I have found its the simple things in life that can make a day so bright. A simple things can spark a smile that doesnt fade for days. At the same time a simple thing can make the day last way to long. "My only regret is that the last words you hear from my lips wont be I Love You" "If I could only relive one day in my life before everything would fade away...I would take even the worst day with you over the greatest that I did not fall asleep next to you." When I said Always and Forever I ment it even more than I even knew. I have so much I wish to say...but you will never hear the words you will never see the tears. I will simply fade into the darkness of the forgotten. But thats ok because my life will always be amazing becasue I will never forget the way I felt when I realized what this really was. Let me leave no illussion. I have brought this on myself. It was me that broke my heart. I have done things that I cant blaime you for holding on to...I think the thing that hurts me the most is the fact that I can see you have moved on.

I find it funny to look back over all this. The thoughts the feeling tied to each entry. I am not even sure they I came to read it. I guess the point of this is to let out my thoughts. I think I have finally managed to lose my mind. I find it the easiest way to live. I wake up with not a care in the world. I fine though that when you let go of all the bad things you also lose all the good. No more pain = no more joy. How did I get to this point well that is a very long story that has been told to many time already. We can leave it at the point when I hit rock bottom and decided that I did want to feel anymore. I wonder how long this state will last. Is it possible to never feel again. So time I hope that it does that I never have to feel some things ever again. Though I have to admit I do miss the good feeling. I spend all my life wanting to be surrounded by honesty. To reach that I make myself honest to all those that I speak with. The only person I continued to lie to was myself. It seems that if you lie long enough it becomes what it real and what was in its place slowly fades to nothing. The life became the lie. Did I ever really care...did I really love? Did I ever really stop loving? I dont know anymore. Do I really beleive what I am saying...I have no clue. Its funny becasue life is so simple yet I keep complicating it beyond what I should.

I feel a strage calm. I think its becasue I am slowly accepting the way things are going. I have a goal and I know I can reach it. I know that everything is just a matter of time. I still have a lot that confuses me and a lot that scares the shit out of me but its all good.

So here I am thinking just how dumb I can be sometimes. After a little fight with her I say man I need a drink. Little did I know that would lead to me drinking myself stupid. Everytime I ran into someone I know they would ask how my situation is going and that would just lead me to another drink. I dont think I have ever consumed that much in such a short time. I just wanted to feel better I just wanted to not hurt. Needless to say I suffered for it the next day. Is this what my life is going to turn into once she is gone. I know that I have little to no chance of holding onto her but right now as all the things around me come crashing down on me I still look to her for hope. I am slowly loseing my family and my career. The people I work for are doing everything they can to fuck me over and the home front is falling apart with no end in sight. So tell me what is there for me? Why can't I just figure this all out? Why cant I just know what to do? What do I have to be to be everything that I want? And where the hell is everyone why do I feel like I am wandering alone?

All I know is that I am just man trying tofigure out. Just who i am and just where I belong. I think know but how do I show who I am. I am so confused dont know what to do. but I try to figure out everything. Who know I might right or I might be wrong but whos to say just who I am. All I know is that I am tryin. When I hold you I know its true I am where I belong. So why am I just siting here so confused. Shouldnt I know what to do. Its so easy form the out side to figure out just what is right. but this time its me. So here I am just a man lost in love with you.

So there I was my temper now flareing pissed off not only that she was not emailing me but about all the things in my situation which just makes it all the more worse. I can see her slowly eraseing me from her life the little things that she wouldnt think I would notice like removeing my name from her myspace or not adding my name of diferent online friend lists. It was one such list that was almost the last draw. I found the site that I needed to go to have my home interent company disconnect my internet. I was only a few clicks away. The load time takeing forever as usual lol so I just started going through my old Entrys. There were words there comeing from me that tore my heart out. I almost forgot how strong I was then and just how much I care about her. I was willing to suffer the pain. Just for her to be happy. Maybe thats what I need now.to just suffer. to feel the pain Just so I can remember exactly what she means to me. Its been almost 6 years now since the first day I laid eyes on her. and not a day of anything do I regret. I wouldnt ever remove her from my life. If she were to walk out my door right this moment tell me it was over that I can call her mine no more well then at least for a small moment in this glimps of an existance. I got to call her my wife. I got to hold her. I got to tell her I love her. Not only that but she is the mother of the most beautiful little girl that I have ever seen and that my daughter. So I closed the window aginst all the anger in my i turned away from it. Makenig her misrable wouldnt help me at all. In face it would probably make things harder. Though when I get home the internet will be ended for a while. I need to pull away the distration just for a moment so she can see me P.S Blair i know you still dont read this but if you ever do I jsut want you to know I love you

And once again another day goe by. Another wasted day. I fill like all of them are like that now. I do nothing I learn nothing and I am tired of training people to do a job that I dont even like doing myself. I just wanna be home. I am on day 3 of my diet and now its all easy but thats how it goes for me just need to make it a habbit and it sticks fast. I found out the best way to sleep is for me to just beat myself in the gym at least then I am to exausted to think about anything. So now I wait I cant even get her to email me now at all. It drives me crazy but there is nothing that I can do at a distance and that I think is what makes it easy for her to do it. I wish she truly knew how mush it tares me appart but then again maybe thats why she is like that. There is now so much planing that needs to take place but at this point with her not talking there is nothing that can get done so even if unknowingly she is just makeing thigs harder for the both of us. Well I get to talk to my CO soon and I am going to bring up me getting the hell out of here. I have my new orders and need to get ready to go. I have school so I will actually be in the states for a little while which will be nice. But then again if I cant start talking to blair to get things set up she will be stuck here on her own but I dont think she cares atm. I really hate fighting I like just giveing in but she make that impossable but when I get home things are going to change. I think a lot for the good though I am sure she wont see it that way at first. Like that dame game and messangers. Hell I dont know if I even want the internet in my home anymore. its nothing but a distraction that I dont need. I mean I can understand doing some things from time to time but always being on there is not good. Even though I know I did it myself for so long. Its time for us to get up gett out and do something. Oh well thats enough ranting lol

I have no clue where to start with this email. I know I have a lot to say to you and I really don’t like doing it this way but I have something I want to say that I want you to see and well you can have this email as proof of my word. I know that the way you look at me has changed dramatically from the way it was when we first met. I went from someone you want to see to someone you rather have nothing to do with. So after many nights of just sitting around thinking back on everything and how I feel about everything I just want you to know what I have had going to my head for the last almost 2 years that we have been married. Actually I want you to know exactly what I was thing always from the day that I first met you. So I guess there is no better place to start than from the very beginning. I was 16 had just started getting tired of really being alone but I never really shared that with anyone but then again I could never find anyone that was someone I would want to be around in a more than friends type of relationship. I came into school that day like I usually did a little early because well I liked the being there with enough time to talk to people you know. I went to sit with one of my friends in the usual place. That morning someone new had came to the table a young girl 14 had made her way there to talk to my friend. The lunch room was crowed as usual and well there was nowhere for her to sit. I knew that she didn’t know me but that didn’t matter so I offered her a place to sit on half the little circle that my big ass was in. It was then as we sat there talking that I noticed something different. This girl just couldn’t stop making me smile. Just being there talking to her. I turned into a blubbering idiot and didn’t know why. That day was a Friday and off she went after school was over to spend the weekend with a friend in FL. Well me and my friend go to the same church and it was there that I found that he had her number. Strangely I actually found myself jealous. I wanted to be the one that was talking to her. Then next day came Monday we were all now once again a school I sat there once again talking to her. Then again during our lunch period we sat and talked again. It was this time that she expressed an interest in me. It was then that I knew that I wanted to make this girl more to me than a friend. So that afternoon I met up with her once again to get her number. And we talked for a while till I needed to head home. The next day while talking to her on the phone we finally decided that we would become a couple. Later that week I went to her house and that day she sang me a song that I will never forget she made me feel like someone actually wanted to be with me and it felt so good and that day we shared our first kiss. And though I never admitted it that night I knew I was in love with this girl. Time skip forward as it does. I had a fight one night with my father and decided to run. I had no clue where to run all I knew is that I needed someone to be with. So I ran toward her house. After over 20 miles I just couldn’t run anymore I didn’t make it my feet were bleeding and I had no more breath left in me. So I turned back. That Sunday she asked if I wanted to go to church with her and of course I said yes. It was that night in the back of her grandmother's car that she told me she loved me for the first time. And without even a moment of hesitation I told her I loved her too. Time again began to move forward. A few days later once again together after a long day and after fighting with my family I made a decision to just drive away. I couldn’t believe that she actually got in the car with me and together we took of not even really knowing where to go. And it was then that I first asked her to be my wife. I was completely shocked when she looked to me and said yes. I have never before felt such happiness. From then on I knew that if I had her I wouldn’t need anything else in my life. The trip ended and we were drug back to the same old town. It was there that I was taken to the side I told about my fate. I was looking at a long time away from here away from anyone in a place I know I didn’t want to go. I was told then that I had two choices one stay fight the system and lose or join the military and leave her alone. I refused to leave her but I told them I would join something. And time moved on. We continued to see each other less often that I wanted to but at least I was getting to see her. I got a phone call one day she said she was going to take the test and I couldn’t believe when she told me the result. I was happy and at the dame time terrified. And my heart was nearly broken of April 5 2003 we that life was no longer with us. Once again the law stood on my door step telling me of my options and once again I refused to let her go. I would not stop seeing her and once again agreed that I would join the military. Time went on and one day at the girls work I found her upset she had mad a decision that tore me inside. She wanted me to go. And so I left I cried and I cried. It wasn’t to long before once again we were together again. From then on I knew I just wanted to be there in her life to make her happy. And once again time continued to a point where she grew tired of my company. This time leaving me for a friend of mine. And against everything in me I tried to help her be with him. After that time I tried to move on. I was already obligated to the navy and that is here I went 6 moths passes for the day I had left the town before I had returned and the first place I wanted to be was where she was. I found myself sitting in front of the school parked in my mothers car staring at the car I knew the girl has driven there in. I wanted so bad to get out and go in but I just couldn't so I drove away. again time moved and I finally found the courage to speak to her. But I never could be brave enough to tell her the words I had in my heart. Again time jumped forward I found myself thousands of miles from all that I knew. In a country that confused me but my mind remained on that girl. Almost a year passed now and I found myself leavening her a comment on her online diary and not long she responded with something that I had hope for the whole time. She said she loved me. I couldn’t believe it she actually still loved me. So we began to talk again and it wasn’t long that I flew home and made this girl my wife. Not long passed and I brought her to live with me in Japan. It was there that I talked her into starting a family again. And not long she was pregnant with our beautiful baby girl. Its wasn’t but a few weeks after that , that I was made to leave. They told me one day I would be back and that nothing would change boy were they wrong. Time passed and I finally returned and there was a big change but I thought it was her and to my surprise I found out later that it was me that had changed. It was that first mistake that I didn’t catch the day she asked me to meet up wit her for food and some how I refused not only that but I compared it to having to go to work. It was unforgivable how could I have done that. Again time moved forward. We seemed to once again be growing apart and for the life of me I couldn’t figure it out. I couldn’t see why her feelings were changing. Then 28 September 2007 our little girl was born. It was then like a new start she looked at me once again full of love full of longing. And again I made another mistake. She asked me to spend time with her once again. Once again I refused my time another devastating choice. How dare I tell her my time was to important. And again time moved on time after time I chose this or that over such a simple thing as time and I couldn’t understand why she was slipping away. She finally spoke up told me exactly what was wrong and I promised over and over to change but the change never stayed more than a few days. Then one night my heart was crushed she looked at me and spoke words I never wanted to hear "I don’t love you anymore" I was devastated I just couldn’t understand what had happened so I reacted the only way I knew how. With anger. Another mistake I made. Time continued and promises continued to be broke. Always the same promises to change to make my priorities right but it never happened. Now I find myself alone even in the most crowded space I hear nothing but her words and my own breaking heart . Now the nights are sleepless now my heart longs and reaches for where hers once were, but find nothing. So now finally after so long I believe with everything that I am I found the man that I once was, but fear now consumes my heart I fear that I figured it out way to late. Now she doesn’t even wish to speak to me. I know now what I must do I know I must show her that I am that man. I know I must remind her some how that she once loved me. So now hear I wait lost in a endless blue waiting for my time. I know it may be to late for me but I could never forgive myself for not trying till the end. So this is the promise to her I am and always will be that man you fell in love with and I promise to show you that every day. I promise I will not let myself forget ever again how precious you are to me. I miss you more than you will ever know and I love you always and forever.

So what is there. Its amazing how different you can start to feel after a few days. Only thing now is the confliction of the old me the bad me and the me that is finding his way once again. Far from home keeps my wife from seeing me and all she can see is my words that she still sees coming from the me she dispises. I want her to see me come back to myself first that way when I come back for her I am that man she fell inlove with its just hard to do at a distance. But over all it is better for me in the end even if I were to fail at showing her. I am back to eating healthy and I have had some fun being back in the gym trying to work my body back to its former glory. I know I still have a ways to go in that matter but starting is the hard part now all I have to do is keep it up. but eh that shouldnt be to hard I used to love working out. I think I have figured out a lot of stuff lately. For one all I want out of life is the same thing everyone else wants is to be happy. I know that being with my wife makes me happy and I remember that it used to make me feel even better knowing she was happy to be with me. I know becomeing a father made me happy. I know that being in shape made me happy or at least know that other people could tell you know. I remember the days when I could be cocky about myself the way I looked well I think its time to get back to that so its back to the running its back to he weight lifting its time for me to get back to being more. Back to being motivated. I think I forgot a lot more than I thought lol. Where did that motivation come from well the same place its going to come from this time. From the disired to be better not only for myself but for her and my little girl I may not be able to hold onto my wife but I will always have my little girl and I will always be there for her. So here is my promise to my wife to my daughter to my friends and to myself. I will be better. It may be impossable to be perfect but I will do everything in my power to make sure that I am the closest thing to it.

For those on my fried list that wanna drop me a line and get faster responces. My email is hagoodm@ddg85.navy.mil

So the day before yesterday or something like that I slam hand finger in a heavl steal door. then through today I continues bumb it into almost everything and it begins bleading all over the place isnt that fun. Doc says I will probably lose the finger nail but hey I get pain pills so I cant complain lol

So I find Myself lost in thought. I have a question in my mind that I so badly want to know the answer to. DO BELEIVE THAT IT IS POSSABLE FOR SOMEONE THAT USED TO LOVE SOMEONE THAT NOW SAYS THEY DONT FEEL THAT WAY TO FALL BACK INLOVE WITH THE OTHER PERSON??? I talked to my wife about our problems told her I want to change that I want to make things different when I get home and my response was this "Yeah well, no offense but I doubt this time will be different." its as if she has already discided that she has lost all hope in me. So like I said does anyone think it is possable to still reach her heart or do you think I am just tearing myself appart for nothing. I mean I realize that the way I was being toward her was wrong and I realize that time after time I have let her down. I honestly just want to fix it all. I know that it will take time I will have to prove to her that I am the man I used to be when she married me. I know that I have messed up a lot. I feel like I have over time the more we have faught lost the motovation that I used to have I mean. I used to be a very motovated idavidual but I dont see any point in going the extra mile anymore. Maybe that was part of my problem when we started haveing problems instead of working toward fixing them I just shut down. I still can feel that fire sometimes inside me calling me to try to bust out and make things happen but I get so easly discuraged. I just need to get home I know once I am there I can acctually do something be someone acctually show her who I am. Being in the navy doesnt help that I made one of the biggest mistakes the day I signed up. Becasue well I see what it does to families now and it sickens me. I have talked to somemany people now and asked them what they think and the problem always falls back on me I am the source so cant I be the fix as well??? I guess I will find out.

Its funny how some times you find beauty in the strangest places. I nice to find a peaceful place in such a hectic time. The Sea is so beautiful at night. Hearng the water crash and seeing nothing but the moonlight and the stars. A nice little escape for a moment a good place to forget for a moment. A calm that my soul longs for. I remember when I used to go out into the open fields back home and just lay out under the stars. I got that same feeling to night a nice chance to reflect to think to be me. Yeah I think I really have found myself this time now just to hold on to this man. I never realize just how far I had gotten away from myself. I have been acting like a total stranger. No more though. So here I am world come at me once again. This time its my turn to make my mark instead of the world marking who I am.

I think I figured out just how to take things off my mind while there is nothing that i can do about it. Seeking out others that need help a doing my best to help them. I mean I know I have my own problems and for now all I can do is accept them for what they are. I really am done spending all day feeling sorry for myself. And I am done beg for pitty with these entries. Its time for me to man up. Its time for me to live by my Moto be cause I know "You get one shot at live, and I will live it with no regrets" from now on. I will make the right choices and if I make a mistake I will accept it. So come on life throw me your best shot I know who I am now I had forgotten for a while but I know now.

You ever feel like you are alone even though there are people around you. That pretty much me right now I cant stand the people that surround me so I might as well be alone you know. I miss the friends that I used to have now it seems as though there are none now.. I hate being stuck in the middle o the ocean with no one to talk to I NEED A FRIEND DO YOU WANNA BE MY FRIEND SEND ME A COMMENT lol se how despreat I am now OMG I used to have tons of friends where the hell did they all go did I really run them all away I am loseing my mind that is if it ever really was there to begin with

I think today is the first day I acctually took the time to step back and look at my life where it started and where it is going and I must say that I very discused with myself and the way I have been. I have come to realize that I cant blame my wife for not wanting to be with me. Hell if I wasnt stuck to me I wouldnt want to be with me lol. I just realize that I have been full of broken promise and she gave me chance after chance after chance to change. I know I know its always seems to be that way we never realize till it is too late then we just want it to make everything better and well thats just not how the world works. I know there is know way I can go back and change all the things that I have done all the things that I have said. But at least now I can understand. I really with I had done this sooner before it got to this point but there is nothing for me to do now except hope for the best. I still think is so funny that it was so obvious but I was so blind. I mean I keep every email every note and all that becasue well for one I have the world worst memory when it comes to stuff I say or read I can remember events and all hell I can tell you in detail the day I knew I fell in love and the day I first asked my wife to merry me I can even tell you how it was the first day that I met her but if you ask me what I said 20 mins ago I have no clue I dont know why my memory works like that it just does but thats off the subject. So today I went back and started reading and trust me over the last over a year there is a lot to read and I aint even close to being done. I know I have made a lot of promise and I know that there are very few if any that I acctually kept and you know what I feel like I jack ass for it. I step back and think how could I have done that or how could I not hav done that. What the hell was so important that I couldt just be a husband. I think a lot of it has to do with me just leting the kid inside me take over and not really care about anything other than myself I mean yeah realized that I was a little selfish but I dont think I could have ever thought it was this bad. I wish there really was something that I could do. But I am pretty sure that it is too late. That I waited way to long to try and figure out my life. So what can I say I know Sorry is nowhere near enough. I do wonder for tiem ott time and I am sure I always will what would have been different if I had stoped and TRIED like a real husband should. I think the thing that breaks my heart the most is know that she did love me and at the time I was to worried about myself. So what do I do where do I go from here. that is what is now lingering on my mind. I could try again to talk to her about it but I am sure she is fed up with trying . I know I would be. So now I sit here lost in thought maybe I will think of somthing maybe jsut maybe I will figure it all out.

Do I break my own heart and let her go or do I break hers by haveing her stay with me. Both chioces I think would tare me apart. Both lead to many unwanted tears. She doesnt want to be with me anymore but I dont want to let her go I know that in the end I will probably break down and make what most would call the right cioce but I am selfish I dont want to have ot hurt I dont want to have to let her go but this is something I know I can just be selfish about I have her to think about and what would be best for our little girl. Would it be right to force her to grow up in a family where her mother doesnt want to be there. What do I do how do you make a chioce like this how do tell the person that you care for most that they can leave and go home when in your heart their home is with you. Blair I just want you to know that I love you with all my heart. And I really dont want to lose you! ; ;

Things are well simply fake, and the sad thing is I amlost rather it be fake than not be there at all. I fear so much being alone loseing the woman that I love and loseing my baby girl. I dont know if she left me if I would be able to stand looking at my little one she reminds me so much of her mother. Oh well for now at least I have this fake happyness from her though I know she is not happy being with me and I know she doesnt look at me like she used to she lostthat spark we used to share. I dont want to be alone I dont want to hurt. I love her so much the both of them. I just wish I know how to be better to just be good enough oh well I guess only thing left now is time to see where this goes. Hopefully I can help her find the feeling that she lost hopefully I can help her find the love she had for me. I love you so much Blair you still are and always will be my everything

You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly. ~ Sam Keen I have loved to the point of madness, That which is called madness, That which to me, Is the only sensible way to love. F. Sagan You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~Henny Youngman To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead. ~Bertrand Russell, Earl Russell Love works in miracles every day: such as weakening the strong, and stretching the weak; making fools of the wise, and wise men of fools; favouring the passions, destroying reason, and in a word, turning everything topsy-turvy. ~ Marguerite De Valois "There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved." ~George Sand~ My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me. ~ Winston Churchill ---------------------------------------------- Alright well this is what the title says it is some quotes to ponder. I think alot becasue I spend so much time wraped up in my own mind locked away from everyone. I have no friends I have merly my wife and I question how long will I be able to hold onto the only thing I have ever had that is truely worth dieing for. Blair if you could only see how my heart hurts when you say some of the things you say. I know I probably smother the hell out of you, But I cany help it when you get so in love, it make you want to suround yourself with it. So I suround myself in you. Blair I am falling apart inside sometimes. One day things just seem so good then the next its like I cant do anything right. I truely hope you arnt haveing to fake happyness at least not all the time. I so wish my life wasnt as fake as it alreeady is. The only real thing I know anymore is how much I love you.

So it seems that things are getting a little better for me though I am not sure if I should completly let myself fall into this feeling once again or not. My beautiful Wife and myself had been haveing a lot of problems. But it seems that it has had an almost dromatic change over tha last I weould say almost a month now. I can acctually tell that she cares. I almosty bursted into tears when she told me she didnt want me to leave before this underway. I havent heard her say that in a while. Hell it was to the point at one time she told me she rather had me gone then home so yeah its a really good change. I cant stand being away from her though I am not sure she can tell it. Oh well I guess she would see how I felt if she even read this snymore but in a way its good she doesnt I guess I can let things out that I kinda want to tell her so I dont mind if she reads it but I dont have the nerve to ever tell her to read it lol well I guess thats all I got I love you beautiful With all my heart and soul