its my birthday and i should be happy but i'm not. not fully happy at least.... ***i had school today. it wasnt bad. that guy that i broke up with my boyfriend for, which was the biggest mistake of my life, flirts with me way too much and he said i was acting weird at school today...its cuz he needs to stop flirting. its annoying and he knows i have a boyfriend. but apparently that doesnt stop him. ***my parents are so nice. they got me a gas card, which is great considering gas is retarded expensive. my mom wants to take me to get a tattoo, as i mentioned. but i dont know whats going to happen. i kinda want to go shopping lol. ***brandon came over. he was acting weird. sort of weird. the other half was my doubt coming back...which sucks. it had to come back on my birthday of all days. so that sucked. i have doubt to deal with, which is so retarded. i have hella homework, work tomorrow, i'm going to brandon's...my life is on fast track and it needs to slow down. its engulfing me up and its like suffocating me. ugh. i really really want doubt to go away. i was doing pretty damn good. well, it was in the back of my mind. i dont know whats going on with me. i'm all mixed up and jumbled up and i dont know why. i shouldnt be. i really shouldnt. nothing has happened to make this feeling come back. i dont know. brandon kinda ran out of here tonight, which i can understand. i am annoying when i have doubt. so...i can understand all that. if i still feel this way i dont think i'm gonna go over there. it would just be pointless. life is lame sometimes. it cant just be good and easy all the time. thats ok tho i guess. i really have to pee.... I love him a lot...with all my heart. almost 11 months. :) ********************************************* i've decided he doesnt care. its obvious. i should have seen it before. be stopped doing nice things for me a long time ago. he just doesnt care. ********************************************* well me and brandon talked it over and he reassured me he cares. i believe him. if he didnt, he wouldnt listen to my bullshit all the time. i just get in those stupid moods where i hate so much doubt and its retarded. so i've decided to just shut up and believe him. he hasnt lied to me yet. i'm getting my hair done tomorrow. getting my red hair back. plus black and random blonde lol. I Love Brandon

i think i'm done writing in this thing. i just gotta learn how to delete it....

i havent written in a really long time. i have a lot on my mind right now tho. its almost 1 in the morning and yes i should be asleep but i cant. i'm so stupid for the feelings i have cuz i know they arent true...but i still have them. idk. maybe they are true. brandon went to a party tonight. he was supposed to come over but he went their instead, which is fine cuz we see each other like everyday. and i know he wont drink since he almost died of alcohol poisoning a couple weeks ago. yea i havent even written to mention that i dont think. well it was scary. so i know he isnt drinking. for some reason, dont ask me why, but i'm nervous he might cheat on me. this is obsured cuz hes always saying if i cheated on him i would dump me and he would never cheat on me and i always tell him it would be completely over if he did. and hes a very trustworthy person. and we talk about getting married and everything. so i mean, in reality i know he wouldnt cheat on me. he hasnt ever cheated before. hes very much against it. i'm just totally fucking retarded and i get these lame ass feelings ALL the time and they drive me crazy. idk. i just...i'm gonna be on my period in about 10 days. its prolly pms lol. right on time. so thats my 1 in the morning bitching. i know these feelings are pointless. well, i mean i hope they are. i still have that worry in the back of my head. but why??? wow i drive myself crazy. CHILL! yea i need to chill.

a lot has gone on. i cant type it all now but lets just say i've cried a lot these last few days. it sucks. not sure why life has to be so gay at times. but thats ok i guess. me and brandon are good i guess. yea we are. i need sleep. i'm crabby. anyway, i still feel....eh inside but i'm hoping that all goes away soon. i'll write more later.

i decided to just shut up and still write in here. the last 2 entries were stupid made up entries to see if ppl actually read these things. they either dont or they do and just dont care. prolly the 2nd one lol. i wouldnt care either. me and brandon are AMAZING. its great. i love him soooo much. we have had the best week ever. i dont even know why. we havent done anything different. we are just so happy. its great. i'm so happy. hes so happy. we are happy lol. its so nice. i'm not gonna see him today tho. since he got this new job i have to go over there monday-wednedsay. thursday i chill and stay him. friday-sunday he comes over. so its equal now that i think about it. he comes over 3, i come over 3. nice. we are gonna see a movie tomorrow. ooooo The Hills Have Eyes came out! damn like the best movie ever. seriously. i love it. its soo gross but sooo good. i love them scary movies lol. anyway, i want my bro to get up so he can teach me how to burn cds. damnit. lol. I LOVE BRANDON!

u ppl suck. u should all go kill yourselves.

i'm done with this sight. take care ppl.

theres a couple things i'd like to update on today. first, brandon was a total ass yesterday. for some reason he has it in his head that he doesnt need to call me if plans change. for example, he was supposed to come over yesterday but didnt. instead of calling me for like 2 minutes to let me know this, he just doesnt call. so i finally get realllllllly pissed and i call him. he said he was gonna call. lol. it cracks me up cuz for some reason he doesnt see that calling me when it happens as a good idea. apparently waiting for hours to let me know is out of the question. so i was mad at him. that was gay. then he calls me around 10 or so and wants to talk. not fight lol. the conversations we had yesterday besides that one really sucked. so that was a surprise actually. he never really does that. if we are crabby to each other or we fight, we talk the next day. so that was nice. i'm kinda crabby today. pms. :( next, last night i was talking to my mom about a tattoo idea that i had a friend draw up for me. my mom doesnt want me to get one but i'm going to anway. i'm 19. i'll be 20 in march. so i'm going to. not right now anyways. it'll take a while to save up the money but she cant say no to me. anwyay, my dad comes in asking what we are talking about. my mom said me getting a tattoo. he like freaks out and says no thats where i draw the line. blah blah blah. i'm just standing there, not really believing that he actually thinks he can say no to me. so finally he says something about if i get one i can find myself an apartment. i laughed. that was the stupidest thing in the world to say. i was like fine i dont really care. i'm getting a tattoo if i want to. hes not like no ur not. i said yes i am. he cant stop me. its funny he even thinks he can try and stop me. so that was that. i think i won. well it really doesnt matter. i'll get one if i want one, which i do. i think thats all for now. i'm poor again. it sucks. i think i should have stayed at mcdonalds a little while longer. i wanna go to 6 flags on thursday but i cant cuz i cant afford it. being an adult sucks. thats it. I Love Him.

nothing much lately. real close to a year and a month. exciting! very! lol. today brandon came over. well, we went to a movie, the new X-Men movie. it was good. i really like those movies. then he came over but left at a little after 6 cuz he wasnt feeling good. so that sucked. but i hope he gets better. i'm sure he went home and feel asleep. he looked really tired. aw. hopefully i get to see him tomorrow. :) i gotta go to the dentist tomorrow. yuck. that really sucks a lot. its not that i'm afraid of the dentist cuz i've had everything done to me. teeth pulled, teeth added, cavaties. its funny cuz i brush my teeth religiously. i drink a lot of soda. perhaps thats it. so...that sucks. 2 o'clock. and since i'm 19 my mom doesnt go with me anymore lol. so i gotta be a big girl. that sucks. oh well tho. lol. so i'm gonna go fix some toasted ravilos. hmmmmmmm....my most favoritest food. ooo something good tho. i always know brandon loves me, i mean yea i had some doubt before but deep down it was never a question whether he loved me or not. but lately, hes been really lovely dovely towards me. its been nice. i mean, once again he is always like that. just more recently. its been sweet. :) aw i love that kid lots and lots. I Love Him. <3<3<3 :):):)

i havent been writing on this thing cuz of the problems it was having lol. so i made another diary thing but i will also write in this one too. just cuz i like it. :) almost a year and a month for me and brandon. yay! i went to his house today and we all had dinner. it was a lot of fun actually. all his bro's were there, along with one of his bro's gf and his neice...it was just a lot of fun. i really enjoyed it. me and brandon are good also. i was a little sad tonight for like 5 minutes but i got over it. so thats good. money....damn am i poor right now. my mom and dad's business has yet to get busy. i have about 16 hours that my mom is going to pay me for. i have car payments, insurance, gas, lots of crap that i need money for. i'm literally broke. i have like $16 right now. its totally sad. the business needs to pick up...and fast. i think that might be all for now. i cant really think of anything else new and exciting. have a nice night :) I Love HIM

well everything is better now. saturday was like the worst night ever. it wouldnt have been so bad if i hadnt have been on my period lol. i just would have been pissed off at him. but he called me really early on sunday to explain everything. we fought for a while and i made him realize what he did cuz it was horrible lol. so we are better now. thats all for now. I Love Him

i think me and brandon are over. he was supposed to come over today and he didnt. in fact, he didnt even call me to tell me he wasnt going to anymore. heres the story... he was supposed to come over around 2 after he changed his oil. he called me at like 1 something and told me that he wasnt going to come over till later. the phone conversation was fine. i mean, it was fine. nothing seemed wrong. he was a little crabby but he was fine otherwise. then me and my mom went out and when we came back home i called him. he was eating with his family so he was actin retarded. he doesnt like to say i love u in front of them so i just said it myself. he said he was still coming over after he got done eating. that was a little before 6. its now past 10:30 and i havent talked to him since. he hasnt called or anything. and whats even weirder is we play this online game together and i got on his name to just see the last time he was on and all his characters were erased. every one of them. its like he totally erased them all. so i'm pretty sure hes avoiding me. i mean seriously, i would have to be literally the stupidest person in the world not to realize hes avoiding me. what i dont understand is if he wanted to break up why didnt he just do it? he told me that if he wanted to he would just do it. he also told me that if he wanted a break from me he would just tell me. so i'm confused. i'm not entirely sure what to do. his house phone is busy which leads me to believe hes online. most likely playing that game but with another name. :( hes avoiding me. i dont understand why. but...he is. what am i supposed to do? i want to cry really really hard. i want to kill him. hes prolly cheating on me. fuck this really sucks. :( thats all i can think of right now. my heart is basically broken. i'm taking back those books i bought him. stupid asshole. I Hate Him

i dont know....i'm not really happy right now. but whats new? my boyfriend was supposed to come over tonight but hes not anymore cuz his dad didnt come home from work yet. honestly, i dont believe that. i just dont think he wanted to come over today. and then he was talking about coming over tonight when his dad got home. that was 7. i said just forget it. we can hang out tomorrow. and he said he was gonna stay the night tomorrow. i'm just gonna tell him not to. he doesnt like to so whats the point? nothing. to be honest, i dont even want to hang out with him. that sounds bad and i do love him to death but...yea i dont want to. i just...have this stange feeling. like...idk. we didnt hang out last night or tonight and when we talk on the phone, its also pointless. we have really shitty phone conversations. regardless we have an awesome time together and we always have something to talk about. idk. i'm just worrying over the stupidest things i guess. it sucks. UGH! its just....idk lol. i'm gonna be on my period soon. that has something huge to do with it. :( I Love Him ********************************************* i'm talking to him right now and i'm seriously overcome with like so much anger. he makes me so mad...and i dont even know why. he just...he gets online before even considering call me. and he gets a job which is great since he hasnt had one in months now and what does he do instead of call me to let me know? gets online. that...makes me mad and kind of hurt for some reason. it would be so much easier if i didnt care. but i do. :(

well its not technically a new year but me and brandon have been together now for a year and a day. :) woo! i'm excited. i cant believe we lasted a whole year. there were times when i wanted to kill him and vice versa. but overall, its been a great year. i wouldnt change any of it for anything. besides that, i'm done with all my classes for the summer. woo! i have an appointment on friday to sign up for more tho. i think i did ok on the math final. at least, i pray i did. i studied pretty f'in hard so i'm just gonna hope i did ok. my writing final was a piece of cake. all we had to do was read some of our stuff in front of our class and like 2 other ppl. brandon was supposed to come but there was a miscommunication. he was pissed. i was ok lol. anyways, my lip is healing nicely i hope. i'm no longer allowed to mention it around brandon. he gets annoyed so i'll shut up about it around him. i think its doing ok. its a little red but its sort of drying out. which is good. woo! thats all for now i think. I love Him

i'm so nervous and i'm trying so hard not to admit it out loud that i'm nervous. tomorrow i have to work. man the phones. i'm just so nervous that my words will get jumbled up. i dont know. we need this business to work cuz all of our money is in it. i just need to pray hardcore and just have faith that its gonna be ok. i need to relax but its really hard to. i thought working at home was gonna be so easy. its not. its scary and i dont wanna do it anymore. but at the same time, i do. i just need to have faith. it'll be ok. my emotions are all fucked up tonight. i'm not really sure why but they are all going crazy. i'm super sad for some reason. i just want to go in my room and cry but i dont know why. we watched a movie called Crash and that was such a great movie but soo sad and i'm thinking thats what put me in that mood. i'm just...sad. it needs to stop. i feel kind of empty. ugh i dont know. finals are on tuesday and i'm completely scared to death. if i fail my math final, i fail another class, my parents kill me. i just need to study sooo much tomorrow. i hate math. its pointless. then my writing class...we have to read some stuff out loud in front of a bunch of ppl. wow can u say embarrassing? i'm having my boyfriend come to watch me. :) its our one year on tuesday, the day of my finals. i'm so excited. i cant believe A.) thats it been a year and B.) that we are actually still together and still so in love. it rocks. i do love that kid. we hung out yesterday and got into a couple fights. that was lame but everything else was fine. anyway, thats all for now. I Love Him

sometimes i think hes cheating on me. i dont have proof....nothing really just suspicion. idk. i just get weird feelings like he could be. it would be so easy for him to. we live almsot an hour away. it would be too damn easy. he could do it right before i come over without me even knowing. its that easy. it makes me so mad at myself for questioning him after a year. but i still do. i dont tell him tho cuz he'd be both pissed and hurt. so my mouth is kept shut. ugh sometimes i really hate life. not really life in general but a few things jammed into my life. like school. i have a math final that i'll for sure fail no matter how hard i study. like a poem i wrote its Inevitable that i'll fail. its just going to happen. it sucks but thats the way of life. sometimes i wish i didnt like piercings. just got my lip pierced and now i'm paranoid about it getting infected. i clean it religiously. i eat whatever tho.... anyways thats all for now. I love Him

lets see...nothing new. but i wanted to write cuz i'm hella bored. i'm going to a friend's house today to do her hair. she wants highlights...i've never done highlights before. so i'm hoping i do an awesome job today. :/ brandon went to school today to look at his classes, talk to teachers, all that good stuff. he promised he would call before he went today. nope lol. he sure didnt. i hope we dont go back to that shit...me bitching all the time cuz he doesnt ever call when he says hes going to. ugh! my mom is mad at me cuz i freaked out when she asked me if i could take my brother somewhere. i didnt want to cuz i had plans...but now i feel bad. shes not really talking to me. i just told her i was sorry..so perhaps everything is ok now lol. other then that, i have 6 papers due on friday. 2 are done. 2 more will be done later tonight. then 2 more tomrrow. so i'm gonna be done with that shit. finally. anyway, i guess thats all for now. less then a week till 1 year :). i'm not gonna bitch at him tonight if he calls. i'm tired of caring. so i'm done caring if he calls me or not. I Love Him

real fast cuz i'm hella tired... i got my lip pierced my parents found out about me dropping a class and everythings ok now. a week till me and brandon's 1 year. i have doubt...fuck! we have kittens that have no mother so we have to feed them ourselves... thats all.. I LOve Brandon

well, me and my boyfriend talked it over. he called me this morning asking me if i was still mad. i wasnt mad...just upset i guess. we talked blah blah blah. he told me he was just in a crabby mood and he picked on me cuz i was there. so i made sure everything he accused me of wasnt true, which i really didnt think it was, and that was it. i felt a little strange when he came over. but other then that, i was fine. nothing really happened today. i did 349823745897293489 loads of laundry. that sucked. but it needed to be done and i wanted to help my mom out. i gotta clean my room before saturday. stupid baby shower. ugh. i have another one to go to on the 21st i think. that should fun i guess. my boyfriend was supposed to go home and get on diablo with me but he didnt. :( so i'm a little sad. not too bad tho. i have class tomorrow. i really cant wait till school is over. i cant stand it. i really really really cant. it sucks. i need to find something else or somewhere else to go. cuz this isnt cutting it. i already dropped one class. my mom still doesnt know. i'm afraid to tell her. :/ i'm getting my lip pierced on saturday. well i might. i really want to. me and brandon are also gonna look at puppies cuz i really want one. :) well thats all for now. I Love Him.

my boyfriend last night told me i was 2 things. the first thing i am is possessive. and the second thing that i do is i dont want him to be with his family. like i dont want him to spend time with them. apparently cuz i wanted to get off the phone last night is why i dont want him to have a relationship with his family. how unbelieveably gay is that? the whole possessive thing, i dont know how i am. i never thought i was. but apparently i am. i thought possessive ppl didnt let their boyfriends do stuff. he brought up a time when i didnt want him to go to his bro's college cuz i knew he would get hit on. well he went to a frat/sorority party, got drunk, and woke up not remembering how he had gotten there. hm...forgive me if that made me a little mad. but other than that i didnt realize i was being that way. and about his parents...lol how big of a bitch am i? apparently i dont want my boyfriend to spend time with his mom and dad. i 110% do not have a problem with that or have i ever had a problem with that or have i ever even complained about that. why the hell would i? he just like attacked me last night. out of nowhere. like i'm the worst person ever or something. the only problem i ever had was when i thought his mom was like having a competition with me, she would obviously win, and the time he ignored me in his mom's car. when we got up to his room that day, he asked me if i was mad cuz he talked to his mom. lol. no damnit i dont care if he talks to his mom. but ignoring me was pretty shitty and i'm not entirely sure why he did it but he still did. anyway, so he like threw all this down my throat and called me a baby a lot cuz i kept saying ok or i'm sorry or cuz i was taking it to heart. excuse me for taking it to heart when the things i'm being accused of are pretty shitty. i dont want him to spend time with his family? seriously how lame does that sound? as for the possessiveness, i dont even want to see him. if i'm being possessive i almost want to say thats fine, go do whatever u want in the world, but i'm not gonna hang with u cuz i dont want to be that way towards u. yea i am being a little immature about this but....it hurts and i feel so stupid. he said he cant wait till i tell him something that bothers me so he can be a fucking baby like i am. nice. perhaps if he had said it in a nicer way, i wouldnt have gotten so upset. jamming it down someone's throat sure isnt the way to go. anyways, thats all for now. i quit my job and i couldnt be happier. :)