Today started off great. This morning before school we all hung out like we usually do, and it was fun. Then lunch came. And she came..plopped down right beside him (west) and it seemed like I disappeared. I know I said that I understand about him not wanting to get too close to me, but it just plain hurts to see him moving on with another girl right infront of me. AT MY LUNCH TABLE. The one that I invited him into. Yeah it hurted. I'll admit it. Ha..and to think earlier that morning I finally admitted that I had feelings for him. Why is it that the guys I never have an "official" relationship hurt me the most? I talked to Joann about it, and she suggested that I just not even flirt with him, or talk to him like that anymore. And I realize that its best for both of us to let the idea of a relationship go. I know some of you who have been reading my comments to Felicia are like "Why don't you listen to yourself? Take your own advice and don't let another chance pass by." But its so much more complicated than that. I'm leaving in a month and a half. And not just leaving like out of city or out of school, but hundreds of thousands of miles away. All the way back to CALI. And I'm probably the most realistic person ever...I know myself, and I know a long distance relationship just wouldn't do it for me. (I have major trust issues but that's another story all by itself.) Today, for the first time in months, I started to pop my hairband against my wrist. I never understood cutters before, but now I do. No, I'm not saying that I'm a cutter so don't freak people. I wouldn't treat myself like that. But I began to pop my rubberband back in September when everything was going downhill for me and my family. It really helped me release my anger. Then today at lunch, just seeing him with her, the way they were just PERFECT together, triggered something inside of me. I couldn't even look at them..so I saw my hairband around my wrist and just started popping it. My skin was so effin' red, and the skin actually began to look like it was going to bleed, so I stopped. I know my limits. But it scared me kind of..I scared myself. ♥EM