i love him so much... but i met this other guy. i dont know him well but i kind of like him... eh. i wouldnt leave him for this other guy. but i do have some sort of feelings for him. i know its normal... but after all that talk of me experiencing new things was really planted in my head. so i was thinking about him more than my own boyfriend. thats terrible. i havent talked to my boyfriend for a few days... which makes it harder. i think i need that constant reminder from him that he loves me and that i love him. i think... part of me wished that i met my boyfriend later in life so i could date people... but i felt so guilty for those feelings... i cried. i called my friend and she reassured me that they were normal feelings to have. and that this long distance thing is hard but that i was strong enough to handle it... even for this long. a part of me wanted to be with this new person but all of me didnt want to lose what i had and who i have... my reassurance: so i called my boyfriend and asked if he felt that he would be missing out on anything since he was young and in a relationship. he said no and that he didnt need to know anything else or anyone else... only me. i asked how many girlfriends he had to see how experienced he was in meeting people or what type of person he liked... this part really got to me... he asked me if i was having any doubts. i said no...... he said you could lie to me but you cant lie to yourself. how right is that? but he said that if i wanted to meet other guys to get to know more things that he would step back and let me. he would let us go our own roads and if we were meant to be together and if we really loved each other then we would come back together. he told me that i would never lose him but that if i wanted to try other things then i can or i could. "do you love me enough to let me go?" I asked him and he said yes. I admire that so much... i dont know if i could do that... i love him so much, so completely... but it would be hard for me to let him go. i told him that i wanted to be with him and things would be so much better if we were together and that the only thing i want to know or experience is my life with him. so i had a moment of doubt... i was/am attracted to others but i would leave the person i want my life with just for some short "fling" with someone that i dont love. but what he did was so big of him... he is so awesome and gives me even more reason to love him. i could never think of leaving him or being with others. so what if one day i might feel like im going to regret not being with other people or experience things that most people do... i met my first love and my only love earlier than most. timing is everything. i wasnt sure what was going through my head all day. but just talking to him made me feel so much better. and he said, "if you ever want to meet someone else... just tell me. you can and remember that i am always going to be here for you and i am always going to love you." i cried. this conversation got really deep as it went on. i admire him so much. i love him so completely. i told him how much easier it would be if he were here and that i could see him everyday or be with him. and he said that he wants to be here too. i am probably going to go to college here and move in with my friend or him if he is here. my friend and i made or are in the process of making a list of 100 things we want to do before we are 30. and we want to become roommates. or me and my boyfriend which ever. but i talked to her and she was there for me. but anyway... i told him about a few things that i want to do and he wants to do them with me... i was happy. here are a few: jump out of plane, learn to cook, get a tattoo. he and i are going to get one together or me and my friend. there are so many things. but i told him about that. he said that he wasnt going to tell me but he might move here after march.... or something. im excited. i want to get a job and pay for my own stuff and get a car and do so much... im excited and scared to grow and live. but im happy now. i feel better now that i talked to him. my love. its natural... dont feel guilty. - - - - - - - - - - as i talked to conrad he told me that if i wanted we could go our own ways, but not to break up... not completely. if otherwise we could always be really good friends. i told him that i didnt want him to be just my friend, i wanted him to be more to me. he said that if i wanted to be more experienced or to meet new people to just tell him and not keep it behind his back. i dont i thought i would or might but i dont... i just want him. i know i am young and he knows that i am too. he is as well. but i told him that he has balls to love me so much to give me up. if one goes and its meant to be then they will be back. i told him that i dont know if i could do that... maybe that i am selfish. but he isnt. not one bit. he said if i chose to do that then he wouldnt be mad or sad... but just want me to be happy. he makes me happy, therefore, he is what i want... only him.