So if I've never mentioned it before... I have said to others that I had a feeling if I were to stay in this relationship with the love of my life, my mom will stop talking to me. Where my predictions correct? SURVEY SAYS........ YES!!! Fuck. The Details below: New Year's Eve was boring as all hell. New Years Day... Ahh well. I got home and there were three messages on the house phone. All from Conrad. Saying, "I love your daughter so much. I want to start this new year off right. I dont want to fight anymore. I love amber. I am just calling to say happy new years." "what does he expect?? a response?" She asked me. "no" ::but at least he had the balls to call you and tell you that:: "he sounds drunk." hmm... uh okay mom.. if you say so. "he isnt." "and you believe that?" "yes i do." "i dont trust him... but you trust him too much." maybe. She and i went to go eat and then shop for her. she wanted to blow some money. "so do you still insist on this relationship?" I said yes to her question. "well then if you still plan to marry him then you can just forget about having a relationship with me. we wont be talking." alright, that is fucked up. make me choose. if you want to be so righteous in the eyes of God then why dont you look in your Bible and read about Forgiveness. Ever think of that mom? "you are lowering your expectations.." she tells me. WHY?? because he is of a different race? why because he made a single mistake and you dont trust him? its my life. So now it comes to this.. a choice. i have to choose 1 of 3 options. 1) Choose her. my mom. 2) the one single person who loves me, cares about me, would do anything for me. who, i in return, love as well. OR 3) choose neither and be done with IT. how fucked up is it for her to do that to me? her only child. i dont have a father... i guess i wont have a mother either. i know that she will get some of the family to stop talking to me as well. its just how she is. I'm hurt. I'm completely hurt. Yet, at the same time i feel so numb. I can't cry. I cant laugh or think, or feel at this moment. "you'll be 18 soon. do what you want. but if you are staying with him then we will stop talking. cut off contact." is that what you really want???? Fuck it. Life has gone to shit. I know either way i choose my life will be hell. forever. die? yeah, thought about it. i thought about jumping out my window and see how hard i would hit the ground. naw, that wouldnt work. i wouldnt do it any way. it was just a simple thought. and you wonder why i use to do the shit i did. i got into drugs, i cut. maybe just to leave everything all behind me would be a good solution. if she does tell the family they will blame me for everything again, for the family spliting.. but what i say and what i think will be swept under the rug like it was never there in the first place. THANKS GUYS! I love you too! ::sigh:: shit hit the fan, hard. but i think i know which option i will be choosing. to some it might not be right, but i feel it is. to others, they might understand and do the same thing. who knows... - - - - - - - - - - - - UPDATE!: The day went by, not fast and not slow... I tried all day to call conrad.. i had to talk to him, i had to tell him. i finally got a hold of him. it was hard to breath, i was shaking, i was hurting. after all day, i cried... i showed some emotion to it all. "i have to talk to you... i tried to call you but you werent home. but i really need to talk to you." i started off. I started to cry. my voice started to shake. "whats wrong amber? you are making me worried. tell me please." so i said, "remember when i told you that nobody can never make me stop loving you... even my mom?" "yes." "well... ::pause:: i dont have a dad and i wont have a mom. i was talking to my mom yesterday about you." then i told him -everything.. what she said.. i was crying so hard, he was crying now. then he said, "amber i need to say something... so please dont interrupt me." Shit, i knew what was coming next... i know what he is going to say. "i am just a guy, some guy. i dont want to hurt you. or give you problems with you and your family. i love you, and i want to be with you, i cant lie about that. but im just some guy. im nothing. there are so many guys and you will fall in love with them.. in time you will forget me." i kept stopping him through this whole thing. i yelled out no several times. my crying came more and more. i said several times for him not to leave me. "amber dont be selfish its your mom and your family." i told him that i already made my decision. im following my heart. i said "conrad dont leave me please, i need you more than i ever did before." i never realized until just now how much i really love him... its so big and so much that when he almost ended it with me, i felt how bad it hurt and how much it would hurt if i didnt have him. "conrad, i chose you because i love you so much. if i didnt i wouldnt have done that. if i chose my family i would be so unhappy. you dont hurt me, my mom is hurting me by doing this. if i didnt have you then i would have nothing. you are my everything. you are so important to me." finally i said, "ive made my decision... i did." He said, "its your decision.." other things were said, other thoughts expressed but all in all... i chose what was going to make me more happy. and now, i feel good about it. hurt on the fact that i will lose some one either way... but this wouldnt have happened if it was forced to me. i feel good about this and i know this is right for me. i love my family... i do. but i love conrad, and i dont want anyone else.. he isnt just some guy to me, he is my everything. we are still together, and soon going to be a lot closer. where ever that might be... but i know its soon. "dry your eyes, amber." he told me. then started suggesting things or places we could go or do together. "we are walking together through life." he said. from now on.. we are. it was the hardest call i ever made. but i made it. and i feel better. i feel stronger, and more in love. the few i have talked to agree with my decision. some offered a place to stay and some offered to come over and just talk... anything to be here for me. so, thank you. even with what a kid should do, the parent should be there for the kid even if they dont agree with them. (now i just have to worry about HER.) until then.. later! - - - - - - - - - - - Another Update: Now i know i have a least a few people who agree with me... some family, some friends, some people ive never met before. so she cant get my whole family against me. its painful. no, im not going to kill myself. im not really into that. but i would go to an island to get away, if i had to. haha. i never realized until today how much i love him.