saturday jose asked me if i had plans and if i wanted to hang out. my friend didnt get off work until 12 and i got off at 10... so i'd end up taking the bus to her work pretty late at night. so i went with him and a few of his friends back to his place. what i remember: i had four beers. and i tried speed. i know how fucked up i was that night... because i felt it the next day as well. i also remember raul telling me that he liked me and that i was beautiful and the only one that doesnt see it is me. which is true... im sure i could have more self confidence but i dont. never really did. it was about 2:30 when i got back to my friends house. she was asleep so i tapped on the window. still on the phone with raul. he wouldnt let me off the phone until i was in the house and safe. thats nice of him. i remmember going to the bathroom behind a car. thats gross but i really had to go. hahaha. i dont think i will ever do that again. but when i did it i wasnt complaining... i was having a good time. i was trippin' out. i never felt that way before. i didnt sleep all night. instead i wrote a lot of things down.. to get them out of my head. it was conrad's birthday. we talked a lot that day. it was great. yesterday i worked for the fourth... it was slow and boring. i felt like shit. i wanted to puke. my mom came to the drive thru i took the order but i ran in the back before she drove up and told maria to take the order. i didnt want to see her or talk to her. after she left she called my phone and left me messages that were so long. in one message she was pissed off at me and telling me to call my grandparents because they cry and cry when my name comes up. that makes me feel better. yes, i know i should talk to my mom but in all honesty im scared to. i dont want to go back home and im not ready to do anything. i want to clear my mind from this all for awhile. but that doesnt happen because she keeps calling me. then she calls again and says that she knows that im pregnant and lied about taking the test because i was mad at her. i took the damn test, twice. im not pregnant. and she is saying that she has no idea why im mad at her or anything. UH... did you forget? for the past year we have fought. did you forget that you told me several times to pack and when i did you change your mind? she tells me that she was never mad AT conrad just for the stuff he does. bull shit. she doesnt like him and now she is going to deny that? "amber i just want to let you know that i love you as much as you hate me. and that is a lot." i never said that i hated you. i called my aunt and told her about it... telling her not to tell my mom i called... she did anyway and my mom was mad about that too. my aunt told me that one of my "friends" called her and told her that it was a possibility that i was pregnant. fuck that. i bet i know who it was too. then she tells me that i called her a wacko psycho woman who is in therapy because of me. i never fucking said that. she told me it was Marissa's mom that told her that. and her marissa and louisa have fucking just screwed things up. i never said any of that. fucking bitch. later she calls again telling me that our old neighbor is in the hopital and that i should go see her. guilt. anyway, back to her talking about conrad... saying that ever since i met him i have been a liar and done a lot of bad stuff. well if you didnt hate him i wouldnt have gone out of my way to see him the way i did. now you deny hating him or disliking him? oh NOW you support me and my decision to be with him? why because im not home??? fuck that. i was really going to call her before all of this. i was going to apologize... but right now i am so pissed off. the next call... she goes on and on about a lot of different things not having any clue whats going on... or supposedly. she'll tell others her story then they will believe that and be mad at me. that is why i havent called my family. because they are going to hear from her and make their own judgement... based on her. thats it. im going to write her a letter. i think after crying at work... they let me leave early it was slow... and i missed the fireworks anyway. except a few illegal ones at jordans house. the whole neighborhood was out there shooting them off. they have the streets blocked off. and jordan, being a little drunk, introduces me to his single friends. i still have a boyfriend.. remember? some of them were cute though. but there was this one wierdo who wouldnt leave me alone. i was kind of creeped out. i did talk to this one guy... his name is ryan. we are going to hang out today and he is going to take me to work. no, its nothing. i have a boyfriend. who by which, is coming to visit me soon. =) life sucks. later