i remember at one point i used a journal/diary for my thoughts and feelings... not just everyday events that i will soon forget. i feel that if i ponder on each thought, as i use to, i will go insane. i will break down. I know this because its happened before. last summer was hell, especially when i was alone, sitting by myself and thinking about each fear that i had. i was unhappy, and i didnt try to stop myself from being that way. but lately i feel as if i am not thinking enough about anything. i know its because i dont want to face anything that im going through. i just want to be numb to it all and if i keep that up, i will be feelingless and cold. that will eventually come back at me in the end. and i know that it wont be easy. i cant pretend that whats going on is easy, or some happy ride like "its a small world" at disneyland. Ah, if only everything were that simple. heh.. their not. i know first hand. i use to fear that i'd lose you. but maybe, now, i am the one who is letting go. maybe i really did care what people thought. then again, i dont think so. i graduated. what am i going to do with my life? where will i go? with who? whats going to happen? I mean, i havent thought about anything that i should be... not a care. where will i go from? i could be bringing another life into this world.. and i haven't shown any feelings about it. not fear or happiness... nothing. I am just so numb. Because when shit hits the fan as fast as it did for me a month ago... then that is when i shut down everything. Perhaps that is why i need an "exorcist"... she said. you want to clear your head, its not as good as it sounds... its empty. Im shut down. My feelings are nothing right now. I know what youre going through but i dont know how to help you. I dont know what to tell you... Dont shut down. --now i must go and ponder on what i dont feel so that i will feel that again... at least to be human again. to be "alive." i need to come to some type of realization of my life. and all the things in it. . . . - --- - . - --- - . I think that is why i use to love to write... i could do it all day.. about anything. that is why i wanted to be a poet or a song writer. now i can barely do that. I have trust issues... i dont trust many people.. maybe i can count them on my hand... i barely trust the ones that i love.