So me and my Mom just had a nice talk. She basically told me that all I think about is myself, but at least she said it in a nice way. She said that I don't realize what she's going through, but I really do - there's just nothing I can do about any of it. It's all pretty funny, because if you ask anyone that knows me they'll tell you that I live my life for everyone else. I'm usually the last person I think about. I don't know, it got me thinking. All I do is give. I give and give and give, and rarely get anything. I guess what I give just isn't good enough, but I don't know what else I can spare. There comes a point where you look at yourself and say there is honestly nothing more you can give up, if I were to let anything go there would be nothing left. Still though, I'll continue to give because that's who I am. I wish I could get some closure. I need it either way to get on with my life, whichever way it goes. I just can't seem to believe you meant all that stuff, and I might be lying to myself - I really don't know. I need to know either way because the only reason I can't let it go is because I don't believe it. I know that sounds crazy, but it's true. I mean if you did, yeah I'll be upset but at least I'll know and I'll deal. I need to know right now. My sister got put in the hospital yesterday for self mutilation and depression. She's fifteen fucking years old. They sent her home today because they "needed the bed." My Mom went to pick her up like she was told to and while they were coming home she tried to jump out of the car. My Mom had to yake her right back, she didn't know what else to do. What can you really do? We don't want her in that place, we really don't but she's out of control. She's so different from how she used to be and I hope still is. I guess we'll see in time. My self defense mechanisms are kickin in real good, like they're supposed to. I guess I'm just trying to put off dealing with everything that's going on right now, but I know I can't keep it up for forever. I got two hours of sleep last night and my weekly intake of food would probably leave room to spare in Tyra Banks' stomach. I don't know what to do. I feel so alone and kind of numb, and I just don't know. I wish I did. It may sound absurd, but don't be naive Even heroes have the right to bleed I may be disturbed, but won't you concede Even heroes have the right to dream It's not easy to be me [Five.For.Fighting]