i just got back from the party...it was pretty fun ...i had a good time there....i got to hang out with alisha and some pretty cool folks...but as for now i guess im jsut like ...dying...i dunno if its that i miss her or that im jsut that tierd but im ...dying....and so much more...i want to cry right now somethigns eating at me i dotn know waht it is or were its from but i dunno waht to do anymore and i dont think i can help my self and i dotn really have alot of people to turn to that can help me at the moment...so ill guess il just sit here and type my heart out..literally. god somone help me . " as tears flow donw my face i stare..stare at the door , i wish i was out there and hoping, hating to get it out...get me out." u think i can right songs lol ?......thats a good snip of one i got running around in my head...rigth now in fact lol....i lvoe the sdong i ahvetn wrote yet...gets me to the point were i think somones telling me the lyrics and im jsut writing them out ...like ghosts of all the music i am are comign through and making me worht the led on my paper....there seem to be only a few things in life now that get me to that point and i dunno were there are right nnow.... i sit alone and wonder ..how your making out............i wish she was here right now...shes so far away...and i cant touch her at all and all i need is to feal somoen there..... and i feal a giggle in my heart , i cant get it out but there a light of hope and the end of every ciggerette you give me that i might make it through with you , but the hopes burning away,i can feal it burning away. i feal ike a ton of bricks, im such a brick , cold and hard and lifeless with no more passion in there concrete walls o now im blocking you out bye not telling you how ive lost you already and i dont want you back and iddont want it to go on with yuo and i hate it that i have to be there , and stil inm so far away thinking about the other one who's even farther away , i will not hur myself anymore for her , but for me, ill arve my only love into my heart and keep it close enought that the blood flowing out will flow back in and keep me alive,like a frozen self in the tub, a icy gaze of hate and a cup of ill tempered lies, i wait for her, i willw ait in the tub then ehre her knowck at my door, crawl out and fall a thousand miles into the tile floor , lose it all then and im not happy,wait for her to find me in my drunkin rageof blod and silver shining in the light of my bathroom, silver in the bathroom... i think im done now ranting about myself ...i dont fel good now i think im gonna go throw up or something, make my self feal better, i wish i had some fucking valium or something,anything right now....my hearts at war ...haha..." and in love and death i find you"