it's been a really long time. I just came back from my trip to calgary. i didn't feel like i really belonged when i was with my sister and mother.

They have their own little emotionally charged world that i don't really experiance. They both seem to have become obsessed with finding some kind of purpose or meaning and they can't be happy with just being. Their souls seem so restless.

I just don't feel the same.

It was a good trip though, i enjoyed the visit and appricate everything that was given and experinced. It made me really feel and realize how long it had been since the last time i was out there. I sure feel like i missed alot. I realized the reason i didn't pursure going out there earlier was because i felt guiltu about d being able to come out too. I don't want to let that prevent me from going out again sooner.

I'm sure MM is going to be upset with me for not visiting her again. I can't help that there isn't enough time and that seeing the kids takes priority. Although last time D and his needs and demands had to be met also and i felt too much pressure and anxiety to try to please everyone. it was easier for me to just do what he wanted. He is my husband after all. i guess i do have an obligation to make him happy once and awhile too. Plus last time getting away from my stress was exactly what i needed last time. i would have hated my sister and best friend is i didn't.

I realize i have no friends on here, and no one even reads my diary. that's fine, that's y i put it out there cause the best place to hid most of the time is in plane sight.