I'm just warning you: This shit's fucking LONG. Be ready or take it in bits at a time. IT IS TOTALLY WORTH IT, though. I went to visit my sister at Northwestern with my friend Chelsea, whose brother also goes to Northwestern, and her friend Anne. It was a very fun trip. We took the train up Thursday, and took the train back Monday. The Train Ride I knew the trip would be good when it just so happened that the girl who sat down next to me turned out to be a Coyote Ugly bartender. Sweeeet. We talked some. She said it was kind of a shithole, but they got a lot of rich guys to come anyway. She said, "I don't know why they'd come. Shouldn't they be off at some martini bar?" She had also mentioned a $500 tip for a $60 tab. I found it awesome that she had brought her dad there. Wildly inappropriate and also very funny. Anne and I unsuccessfully tried to do a Wednesday New York Times crossword puzzle. I had not done one in a while, but was somewhat on point. We got about half way through and decided to quit from headaches. I also won an intense Sudoku three-way race battle by about 15 seconds. Just goes to show you that I am the master samurai of the group. Unfortunately, this train ride also contained the worst smell I have ever endured more than a sniff of in probably my entire life. There was a bathroom problem, or someone shit their pants, or Satan vomited because there was the WORST SMELL OF SHIT on the train. It came in two separate waves and stuck around for a little over five minutes each time. The conductor was ready with coffee to sprinkle in the aisle to mask the smell. This got me thinking: How often of an occurance is this if they have an arsenal of coffee powder to combat odor? Arrival and First Night Got in at around 7PM and met or re-met (from last year's visit) my sister's friends. My sister, her friend, her sister, and I all went to blockbuster and rented Domino. I like more or less any movie, so it was pretty good. It became my birthday about 30 minutes into the movie. We hung out and went to bed. One thing I learned is that every girl at Northwestern absolutely adores Sex and the City. Second day: My BIRTHDAY + Friday We went to ESPN Zone and played video games. I handily defeated my sister at every game we played, especially this one riflery game. We met up with Anne and Chelsea and ate dinner at Pizzeria Due, my dad's favorite place when he lived in Chicago. It was absolutely delicious. Our waiter was so cool, he gave me a free brownie sundae for my birthday! Also, the next table over joined in on the happy birthday song, and wished me a happy birthday when I left. Nice people. It was all absolutely delicious. If you're ever in Chicago and like pizza, eat there. Later that night, the frat SAE, of which Chelsea's brother Dayne is a member, had a party. Dayne made sure it was on my bday. Nice. It was PACKED and not too much fun until we played Circle of Death. I am the best Question Master you've ever seen. That and nine-bust-a-rhyme are CRUCIAL to the game. In truth, not too much happened that night. Saturday This day contained perhaps the biggest ego boost of my life. I apologize if this comes off as arrogant, but it happened exactly as told. You see, I slept in my sister's dorm room. She lives in a sorority. Because of this, there were mainly just girls there, and only one bathroom. One evening, when everyone was getting ready to go out, five or six girls were putting on makeup (or whathaveyou) in the bathroom as I was showering. When I walked out with a towel around my waist, they actually started cheering. Cooing, maybe? Whatever it was, I was elated. I'm not ripped by any means, but it was wonderful to know that college girls appreciate my figure. AHEM, now that I'm officially a douchebag (but an ego-boosted douchebag!) for including that, I'll get on with the rest of my day. There was a beach themed party that was somewhat uneventful aside from meeting a few people. However, my sister's friend, who planned on party hopping, wore a bikini top and brought a shirt to go over it for the other parties. However, she misplaced her shirt and was forced to look like a whore everywhere else she went. It made me laugh. We decided to go to the soccer house, but that plan was quashed when there were four cop cars at that corner. We drove by as if it never happened and went to the wrestlers' house. This guy nicknamed Floppy went on and on drunkenly about how cool and nice and kindhearted my sister was. She later told me she had spoken to Floppy about three times in her life. Soon after, the soccer house, now cop-free, was thinned out and very fun. I played some killer beirut with all big-ten forward Brad North against my sister's roommate and a girl who looked exactly like Paris Hilton. All cool people. We crushed them the first round (10-5). I started off hot the second round with four straight makes to start the game, but it ended up a little closer at 10-7. The last game was down to the wire. We were one shot away from a 3-0 sweep. HOWEVER TRAGEDY STRUCK and we ended up losing 9-10, finishing with a 2-1 record. We hung out some more and eventually hit the hay for a nice sleep. SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAAAAAY! (Monster truck style) On this day, I watched Meet the Fockers with Anne and Chelsea, and because I like every movie, it was good. I also watched some powderpuff football. It was funny to see some girls from the "girly sorority" running around with their arms flailing around in front of them. I was with Anne, Chelsea, and Dayne because my sister had this sorority meeting called Standards. At one point I said, "My sister can't be in powderpuff football because she has Standards". That double-meaning made me laugh. My sister's sorority ended up winning the championship. This one girl on the opposing team was wearing pink shorts and had a somewhat large behind. She played center, so she was the one who snapped the ball to the QB. When the girls were on the line of scrimmmage for the play, Anne said, "That girl in the pink shorts kind of walks funny", to which I replied, "Yeah, but she bends over just fine". That night I saw "Thank You for Smoking". It was chock full of outrageous satire and was very well-written. It's not like a lot of movies in that the entire thing was very tongue-in-cheek, but I liked it. It's not anything you have to rush out and see, but rent it sometime after it comes out. Afterwards, we all got frozen yogurt, which could be classified anywhere between adventure and disaster. My sister asked for a sample of this twist. The guy put his hand on the solid flavor, she said "no, the twist", he put his hand on the OTHER solid flavor, she said "no, the twist", and then put his hand on the middle one (the twist), and she said, "yes, the twist". Anne asked for a VERY SIMPLE vanilla cone. How could they mess it up? Unfortunately, the vanilla ice cream was fucked up and way too hard. The guys kept trying, but it was still too hard. Anne then switched to another flavor, but that was entirely melted. She ended up waiting a few minutes for the vanilla to be just right, completing the eerie similarity to goldilocks. Anne really really laughed at the situation. My order was the only one that went through alright. Raspberry soft serve is delicious. Later that night, I watched the last half of the Thomas Crowne Affair. I didn't exactly get it as I had missed the beginning and it wasn't my type of movie (too romantic), but Pierce Brosnan's character was awesome in a studly manner, and the last 20 minutes or so of the movie made it worth it. We didn't watch it intently, though, and discussed the merits of which would be worse for a college girl to be romantically entangled with: a 70 year-old man or a 12 to 14 year-old boy. I chose the older one as grosser. Also, when this girl Katherine asked me what she should do for her little brother when he visits, I said "Give him an hour with Brad North." Later on in the wee hours of the night, I hung out for a long time in my sister's friend's room (the bikini top one) as they facebooked, talked about their sorority sisters, and discussed fashion. No, I was not very included. It's okay though, because she is a very cool girl. After that was sleep. Nicole. And: If you're going to skim, skim this part: It's not that interesting and not at all funny Sunday afternoon, I had said goodbye to my sister's friend's little sister Nicole, who happened to be visiting at the same time. (Throwing this out there: Smoothest goodbye hug ever.) I decided to lump all of my encounters with her together, so that I can be a pining sixteen year-old in only one paragraph. First off: Nicole's sister is straight-up ferociously attractive. Perhaps the hottest girl I've met. When my sister said that her little sister, who is my year, was visiting at the same time, I was a little excited. When I first met Nicole, she was hanging out in her sister's room in PJs as my sister and I stopped in. (If you look back to Thursday, I went to blockbuster with this girl later that night and we subsequently watched domino, regrettably on opposite sides of a four-person couch). I thought she was somewhat attractive, but nothing spectacular. HOWEVER, on saturday, she was dressed up for a night out: Holy fucking shit, she was absolutely gorgeous. Hands-down the most attractive girl my age. However, I was a dumbass and forgot to actually pay attention or hang out with her, and instead played some beirut, as I didn't really think about her leaving. I am basically furious that I spent very little time with her. I didn't even get a fucking picture of us together. She seemed sort of interested, at least in getting to know me, but I'm obviously just flat out pining for her. (I totes played it cool around her though so it's straight). Hopefully we'll visit at the same time again, as both of our sisters agreed that we should definitely arrange it like that again. However, I wrote all of this so I could add this: Whatever, fuck it. This paragraph definitely suggests that I'm obsessed with her, but I'm just regularly very attracted to her in a non-creepy way. It's really not that intense. I'll just fuck it and move on, as there's no use being an emo kid about it. Sounds like Andre's got a case of the Mondays Our train left at 7:50 AM, which meant about three hours of sleep for Andre. I said goodbye to my sister and got picked up by Dayne at the sorority. Dayne forgot to factor in rush hour traffic, however, so we got there at 7:49 and missed our train. I missed it last year, too, so I'm 0 for 2 lifetime. Anyway, the next train left at 1:15. This meant that we had about five hours to spend in Chicago...but none of us had any money left. Luckily, Anne had her mom's credit card, which we used to get food and a locker for our shit. We met this one guy who helped us out, but was also very creepy because he was old but hit on the two girls. We walked around and hung out at millenium park for a while near a statue of Abraham Lincoln. We walked around town and Anne kept singing the "WANNA FANTA? DONTCHA WANNA, WANNA FANTA?" song. It was annoying but she promised to stop. I had a very delicious burger at this place called Elephant & Castle. It was British, so my meal came with chips, but I am keen so I knew that they were actually fries, but Anne and I still had a fun time referring to them as chips. We went back to the station, and Anne and I completed a Monday crossword puzzle handily in about 15 minutes. We boarded with this guy who also missed the morning train. We wanted to get the set of four seats that face eachother, but they announced that senior citizens and the handicapped would board first, so Chelsea suggested that I act retarded to get the good seats on the train. The guy we were with just stared at us and said, "I'm pretty sure that's what sends you to hell." Hilarious. On the train ride back, we played some guess-that-movie game, and the horrid smell from trip #1 actually came back for a little bit. It was less eventful. For some reason, they were fascinated/impressed with my "improv" skills. (Read: miming menial acts). I am apparently very talented at brushing my teeth in mime. I'm not a fucking mime, though: we improv folk talk. We got in fine and I went straight to my improv workshop thing. This other guy Ben was miming typing on a typewriter, but wasn't bending his fingers and was waving his hands around in a very feminine fashion. This other guy JD commented, "You must have the biggest, gayest typewriter ever". It was sweet. Afterwards, I got home and hung out, happy to be HOOOOOOME. Tuesday was not included in my trip I got my motherfucking liscence on Tuesday. It clearly states: "You may operate a moped at any time." SWEET. After passing my driver's test two weeks ago, I asked the guy if he would check off the box to approve me for a "TANK VEHICLE" liscence. He said no. I don't think I've ever been more disappointed. When I had driven the car and not a tank vehicle to my friend Kyle's house, I had to move my car about ten yards so his mom could get out. I didn't expect him to get in, but he ran and yelled SHOTTY. He asked if he was the first to ride with me, and I said he was. He yelled FUCK YEAH! and started dancing. It was great. Holy shit that was too long. There you have it. Please, read almost the whole thing, because there's good shit in there. Do it in shifts or something: I know you have the potential.