Things that are long: The wait between two of my entries The legend downtown The libertarian national convention on C-SPAN 2 The movie "Gone with the Wind" AND... This extremely awesome conversation between me and Gretchen about camp. I'm going to make this into a website called camp treehugger, because Gretchen is that awesome. If the color-coordination is too confusing for you, check out Gretchen's entry in simple black-and-white, and then go by the wusses and the cripples. I'm in blue, and Gretchen is in red. Haha, wasnt that tricky? Seriously, I'm AMPlifier47 and she's Heylookitsmysn. AMPlifier47: hey hey hey Heylookitsmysn: heyy andre, how's it going? AMPlifier47: excellent, how're you? Heylookitsmysn: mighty fine. watching Bug Juice on the disney channel, hah. because i'm so cool. you know how it is. AMPlifier47: =-O! thats on? Heylookitsmysn: sure ehffing is, bitch Heylookitsmysn: hah Heylookitsmysn: it's so weird, because it's from like 1997 and all the kids now have to be like, 20. AMPlifier47: what season? AMPlifier47: the second one was from 1999. that's all I know. Heylookitsmysn: i don't knwo which, it's the one with that girl cammie. that's all i know, haha AMPlifier47: I remember connor, the two girls fighting over him, andy, and the british guy. AMPlifier47: ah, they just said waziyatah, so its the first season. Heylookitsmysn: haha uhm...i don't, but i'll believe you Heylookitsmysn: i hate the fat kid, asa. he really bothers me. haha AMPlifier47: asa haha I remember him AMPlifier47: the british guy was season 2, by the way Heylookitsmysn: haha well then i have determined that it is not season two, for there is no british guy thus far AMPlifier47: it's season one. Heylookitsmysn: it's season one then, but not the first time for the camp. it's like season one, part two or something AMPlifier47: session 2, perhaps? AMPlifier47: second half of the summer? Heylookitsmysn: yeah, that sounds about right. we'll go with that Heylookitsmysn: good work andre. you're a good man, hah AMPlifier47: woohah. Heylookitsmysn: wow. i really hate bugs. Heylookitsmysn: when they flock to tv and computer screens AMPlifier47: I hate bats when they flock to my room, Heylookitsmysn: hmm. can't say i've ever had that problem, but i'm very sorry that you have to go throught that, hah AMPlifier47: well, it was one bat, and it flew into my room once. AMPlifier47: but there was definite flocking motion going on. AMPlifier47: =-O! AMPlifier47: camp waziyatah is in maine. Heylookitsmysn: i'm at my pal ken's house staying in his sister katilyn's room...and she has like, crazy small moth-like creature infestation or something Heylookitsmysn: it is? i should go. AMPlifier47: indeed. AMPlifier47: I need to go to some camp. AMPlifier47: but I have none to go to. Heylookitsmysn: i will stalk camp waziyatah. and be all 'OMG BUG JUICE WAS HURRRRRRRRR DAWG!" Heylookitsmysn: because i am ghetto. AMPlifier47: and I'm sort of at that awkward age of being too old for a camper but too young for a counselor AMPlifier47: yep, maine's pretty ghetto. Heylookitsmysn: yeah, i get that. i don't think i ever went to a camp Heylookitsmysn: well i went to soccer camp for a few years Heylookitsmysn: but that's all Heylookitsmysn: and yes, maine is like ghetto central. Heylookitsmysn: compared to canada anyway. AMPlifier47: "Where are Waziyatah campers from?" AMPlifier47: Campers from all parts of the US bring diversity: California, Oregon, Ohio, Wisconsin, Michigan, Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, Utah, etc. AMPlifier47: I'm thinking the "etc." means "the other 41 states" Heylookitsmysn: hah, you would assume so Heylookitsmysn: but that's just what they want yout o think Heylookitsmysn: little do you know that they hate alaskans, and alaskans are not allowed to go to waziyatah, the damn eskimos. AMPlifier47: "this is a discrimination-free zone, unless you're alaskan!" AMPlifier47: "Wazi has doctors affiliated with local hospitals nearby in Bridgton and Norway" AMPlifier47: I dunno about Bridgton, but Norway seems a little far away for medical attention. Heylookitsmysn: exactly. because we allll know (except for those not educated in the ways of the zimbabweans) that waziyatah is zimbabwe-speak for (we hate alaska (and all of its inhabitants, or anyone affiliated with anything even remotely alaskan. offer not valid at any other camps.) Heylookitsmysn: zimbabwe really cuts things down from english. Heylookitsmysn: and yes, norway does seem like a bit of a stretch AMPlifier47: "if your child gets injured, we will send them to scandinavia. assuming they end up in the right country, they'll be fine, but you might have some trouble getting them back." Heylookitsmysn: "it is possible that they some how are sent to the netherlands, and return from amsterdam with a marijuana addiction and dreadlocks. however, this has only happened seven times, so there is really very little need for concern." AMPlifier47: "we've gone two years without a converted rastafarian, so you have no need to sign a waiver. however, we have you sign the waiver anyway." Heylookitsmysn: "in case your child wusses out on the ropes course and heads to the 'become a converted rastafarian' cabinm located near the back parking lot near the shacks we built for the fat kids and cripples." AMPlifier47: "note that we have special wussy activities to suit your childs wussy needs. we also give them lollies and applesauce for three meals a day." Heylookitsmysn: "and sometimes laxatives for the kids we really don't like. if your child is one of these chosen few, you will most likely receive daily letters asking for your rescue. ignores those. we have no idea what they're talking about and take no responsibilty for what they write, especially if they ramble about some 'gator pit' that your insanely annoying child has made upto make us sound a lot worse than we really are*." Heylookitsmysn: "*although we do have a gator pit." AMPlifier47: "gator feeding happens daily. all of the dangerous people who will try to approach your kid will be fed to the gators. these people include anyone who isn't a staff member." AMPlifier47: "...and any scandinavians within 40 miles of the cabins" Heylookitsmysn: "we also have several trained squirrels that will attack when provoked by scandinavians. in the not-so-rare case that the gators have escaped. warning: if your child has a funny accent or even funnier speech impedement, the squirrels may also attack and your loser child will end up limbless. but really, don't worry. due to your kid's funny voice, some other mean kid would've done the same sometime sooner or later." AMPlifier47: "if your kid is mentally retarded, or enjoys country music, we will take it into our own hands and feed them to the gators. we can't feed them to the squirrels, because then they'd have the taste of fresh blood in their mouths. Last time they got the taste of fresh retarded blood, we lost cabin four." Heylookitsmysn: "which honestly wasn't that bad, because they were all ugly and really brought down the morale of our beautiful waziyatah. anyhow, our boats are pretty and go fast. we will take your kids for weekly trips around the lake, unless they're ugly, very much like cabin 4 was." AMPlifier47: "speaking of the lake, we encourage all of the kids to pee in the lake as frequently as possible. we feel that it gives our water that unmistakable waziyatah flavor." Heylookitsmysn: "on visiting days, we suggest you bring your own water, for the urine-infested lake is also our unpurified water source for all fountains and faucets. it is also the salad dressing." AMPlifier47: "the lettuce is made of hair. if the meal just isnt right for the camper, and it wont be, we encourage them to eat PB&J sandwiches. We grow our very own jalapeno peppers. The peanut butter is chunky instead of smooth. This is because of the scorpions." Heylookitsmysn: "this may lead to uneasy nights for campers. side effects may include vomiting, dizziness, hallucinations, cocaine addictions, freezer burn, mexican hat dance outburts, fatality, or worse...the absolute most horrible cases of diarrhea ever witnessed. and yes, it will be witnessed. we have cameras set up in all the bunks and shoddy outhouses. the cameras are all invisible to the untrained eye, and connected to the internet. if you miss your child, you can most likely see them at www.hotcampkids.ord. see, because it ends in .org, its an okay site. even thought its voyeuristic of your pre-teen kids and will most likely be making t-shirts with fans' favorite campers on the front." AMPlifier47: "we will also have our survivor game, in which we send 16 campers to 'tiger island' to compete in challenges and avoid tigers. the last one living recieves free medical care and an automatic spot in next year's survivor waziyatah. your kids will have a blast, being starved for 39 days!" Heylookitsmysn: "if your child happens to be first to die, your family will receive a consolation plaque which mey either say "sorry for your loss" or "sucks that your kid was very slow and a dumbass." we have never sent one like the first, so yours will most likely be the second. you will also get a coupon to the dominican republic's finest restaraunt, "casa del tacos", which translates into "house of 1000 corpses." AMPlifier47: "The casa del tacos is an excellent restaurant, featuring many exotic mexican foods that have all been spat in. Your family may be grieving, but the enchiladas will be excellent. However, shall you die while your child is at camp, we will make them feel as if you actually almost loved them. " Heylookitsmysn: (by the way, i was just attacked by a giant spider and almost killed myself before it had its chance to break out its lasres.) AMPlifier47: "if your child is attacked by a giant spider and almost killed themself before it had its chance to break out its lasers, we will send him to the wussy zone, next to the cripples. He will get the same lolly and applesauce treatment, because he is no better than the cripples." Heylookitsmysn: what the hell, no, that kid is me, hah. anyway...more with the brochure AMPlifier47: you know, I'm thinking of making this a whole website. :-). Heylookitsmysn: haha you definitely should, it'd be amazing AMPlifier47: yes, I definitely will Heylookitsmysn: as long as i get all the credit. haha Heylookitsmysn: just joshin' yo. Heylookitsmysn: we'll credit jesus. AMPlifier47: we're the "camp owners" Heylookitsmysn: damn straight we are, bitch AMPlifier47: "if your child is being too loud, or there is some other problem, we will ask them nicely to stop. if the problem persists, jesus will give them cancer." Heylookitsmysn: "and if your kid isjewish, we will further their circumcision, regardless of their gender. we may also shoot them in the foot once or twice, but seriously, who gives a shit." AMPlifier47: "our foot-shooting motto is 'toesos are for bozos', which means, quite frankly, your kids are going to have to do a lot to not get their feet shot of." Heylookitsmysn: "basically, unless you send us an extra thousand bucks or so, your kids are going to have some balance issues when they get back home. you may want to call up dr. school about this. sadly, dr. scholl is not an actual person, nor will it ever be cool to actually say "I'm gellin'..." so you and your lameass kids are screwed. speakings of which, the entire staff gets wasted off screwdrivers and straight vodka every night, and include the kids they like in the festivities. we'll need your consent to let us get them smashed. if you do not wish for your children to become alcoholics, we suggest you send them to a different camp with other pussies like you and your kid." AMPlifier47: "if your kids have balance problems, and you cannot find dr scholl, we will send them to scandinavia." Heylookitsmysn: "there, they will be ridiculed by scandinavians in foreign language, so it won't be as bad for them. wait, we don't want your kids happy. screw it. they're off to the gators.." AMPlifier47: "as you can see, we will keep excellent care of you child at camp wziyatah. provided that your child is a gator." Heylookitsmysn: "if your child happens to not be a gator, you may want to try to find dr. school (after all, he is a doctor) and see if he does any plastic surgery work where he turns kids into gators. this is pointless, becauseas previously mentioned, there is no actual dr. scholl. however,we here at waziyatah absolutely love to watch you squirm, soplease, try hard." AMPlifier47: "it is not uncommon for kids to wear gator masks to try and live. however, it is also not uncommon for us to punish your mask-wearing children by beating them with some large, blunt object, such as a bowling pin, or another camper's skull." Heylookitsmysn: "or a gator." Heylookitsmysn: "however, if your kid has a cool mask, we will steal it and then beat them. duct tape may or may not be involved. by may or may not, we mean will." AMPlifier47: "if your kid is allergic to anything, it's in our food. even penicilin, or cat hair." And, we were talking about bad music, so I just thought this snippet was funny, even though snippet is probably not an actual word: Heylookitsmysn: i think the spin doctors should egt more airplay. Heylookitsmysn: yeah that's right, i went there. AMPlifier47: wait, you went where? Heylookitsmysn: well i didnt' actually go anywhere...but i did bring up the spin doctors, who had some fairly horrible music that i like. so, metaphorically, i went there. as in brought up the spin doctors. AMPlifier47: oh. AMPlifier47: I dont know who the spin doctors are. AMPlifier47: are they from the 80's? Heylookitsmysn: haha it's alright. late 80's-early/mid90's ish. round there. AMPlifier47: right right, I was all up ons the spin doctors when I was four. Heylookitsmysn: well i was. i was snorting crank by then. what the hell were you doing, lame-o? AMPlifier47: I was probably pissing my pants and falling over. Heylookitsmysn: well yeah but while snorting crank and listenign to spind doctors, right? Heylookitsmysn: damn kid, you were sheltered. pff. AMPlifier47: oh yea, I was a crank-snorting, doctor-listening, pants-pissing, over-falling four year old! Heylookitsmysn: yeah, now you rememebr. all that crank messed up your memory. i knew i could bring you back, man. AMPlifier47: it's like saving private ryan. Heylookitsmysn: i never saw that, actually. AMPlifier47: neither did I. Heylookitsmysn: hah, well there you go then. you probably did, but just forgot that because of the crank, too.