“He doesnt like you. What were you thinking?” "There is nothing special about you at all, ever wonder why you never have a boyfriend huh?" "I thought this time I would have a chance I thought this time would be different." "Isnt that what you said all those other times? Youre soft you need to be fucking stronger. Face the facts you arent good enough for anyone." "I know, whats wrong with me? " "Whats wrong with you? Everything is wrong with you. Your eyes are always twitching looking like youre on some kind of drug or something. You dont have an hourglass shaped body. Your face gets red all the time and people notice these things. As for your personality, thats even worse! Youre annoying as hell. You always open up to people and tell them things they dont really care about. Quite frankly no one wants to listen to you anyway. This is why you never have a boyfriend. No one can stand you. They wont tell it to your face but you know its true. They talk about you behind your back. Why do you even trust them?" "No Theyre my friends. They wouldnt do that." "Thats what they tell you. I see otherwise. You shouldnt have fallen for you. You KNEW it wouldnt be any different than last year. Why did you go against what you said?" "I really liked him. He seemed different from the others. He seemed so kind and genuine. I thought it would work. I thought Id have a chance." "You knew you didnt have a chance. You shouldnt have fallen for him. He was too good for you. He was everything you ever wanted in a guy. Why did you ever think you had a chance?" "I felt so much different around him than any other guy I have ever liked. I felt so amazing around him. His touch was like heaven. I just Felt amazing when I was with him and I dont know why. It just felt right" "Well thats why you cant have this. This is your punishment for what you did to the others. You hurt others and this is showing you the pain they feel. And the worst thing is, is that you CONTINUE to hurt them. Wont you ever learn your lesson." "Ive never felt like this about anyone before I wish I didnt have to learn this way" "Suck it up. Youre supposed to be strong. You cant love and you need to deal with that. Youre fucking nothing" "See he doesnt care If he cared he would have said something" "I know" "He would have talked to you about it. He would have asked what was wrong. " "Yes" "He doesnt care about you does he?" "No he doesnt" "Good youre learning. You deserve nothing" "I know" "You're a freak and you know it. You tried to change yourself well what the fuck did you become hmm?" "I became myself" "What the fuck does that mean? You're worthless" "I know." "You're a failure" "Yes" "You are fucking nothing and you deserve nothing." "I know" "He probably likes another girl" "I know" "She's better than you" "She is" "Why's that?" "Because I'm nothing" ~Kristina

The failure sits. Her thoughts wander as nothing can reach her mind but the thoughts of her mistake. She stares at herself feeling hatred for everything she has done. She takes in a deep breath and runs a hand through her hair. She stares blankly at the person looking back at her. What is it that she has become. Certainly something must be wrong here because this is definatly not what she wanted. She looks at herself. Her hair falling in her face, eyeliner circling her eyes. She feels so insecure without it. She balls her hand into a fist shoving it into the bathroom counter. She glares at the person staring back at her in the mirror. She hates everything about herself. She knows noone would disagree with her now. She has said and done so many things she regrets. She sits here now mind racing. Memories flood her brain and she tries to keep them away. Only one week and she's already screwed everything up. She really didn't mean for anything to happen. In fact she tried to prevent it. She screams as her failure makes itself present in her mind. Strong urges consume her but she resists. She knows that nothing she ever does is right. She is a reject. Nobody wants her anyway. Not everything put into this world was meant to be there. Her parents think she's a burden. Maybe if she wasn't here they wouldn't have a problem. Her friends find her bothersome. They wouldn't have to deal with her if she wasn't here. Honestly who would miss her if she was gone? She's always messing up. Always making mistakes. She never does anything good. Sighs escape her lips as she sits in this chair.What is wrong with her. Apparently she's nothing. Maybe she can truely make beauty stay if she takes her life. Noone loves her. Not her friends. Noone. Telling her that you'd miss her would just be a lie. A tear falls as she clicks the next button on her Ipod. She runs a hand through her hair pulling her legs up into a cross legged position in the chair. She doesn't know what to do with herself. Doing her best is never enough. Everything she does is just ruins. Nothing ever makes sense to her anymore. She tries to find outlets. But who knows what could happen this time... Signed, The Failure ~Kristina

Hurrah. The weekend is almost here. A storm has been blowing through North Carolina so it's been raining off and on all day. Luckily the football game was cancled so I didn't have to do anything this afternoon. I am really enjoying art. I look forward to that class every day; which is something that never happens. Lunch was not so good for me today. I don't know what was going through my head. I was kindof just out of it and not thinking. I know I hurt someone's feelings. Someone I really care about. Which is something I hate doing. Me and my big mouth that I can't keep shut. I guess I was just kindof frustraited with a bunch of stuff at the time. I know I called her a whore. Yes she's right I don't have any room to talk. If anything I'm the fucking whore here. I really don't know what I was saying. Jealousy was probably brewing up again but this time I just didn't recognize it until after I had already spouted shit. Well I didn't mean what I said. I hope she will forgive me. Because yes I am jealous. I want to have a relationship. I want to have my first kiss. I feel like such a loser being sixteen and not even been kissed yet. I mean yeah I've been in relationships but I don't know. Maybe I was too afraid to take it further. Maybe they were too afraid to try. Whatever it was it just didn't work out. Of course I know they wanted to. They told me. I mean I know they loved me alot. I guess I just didn't have much of that feeling towards them and that's why those didn't last. I want a relationship that will last. One that I can actually have someone to love. I'm sick of all this fake shit. So yes I am sorry to her. She knows who she is. After school today I hung around with Joel. My ride left me so I was frantic about getting a ride home. I was about ready to get a ride from Albert if I had to. I really didn't want my mom to ground me again. It's anoying. She grounded me for doing my fucking homework at Arbies. Bitch. Okay well I'm done writing now. I'm gonna do something else now. ~Kristina

Well I think I'm over it. I don't really feel that twinge of jealousy anymore. You know that little feeling in your stomach that feels like you've just plummeted from a tall building. I mean it's been the story of my life. All these good things keep getting taken away from me. I guess I'm just used to it now. Because when a good thing comes my way I really can't tell anymore. I'm always losing. I just get to sit back and get jealous. I guess I should just give up. I don't think anything's going to be different this year. Why would it be? I guess I'm feeling lonely today. I've been in an up and down mood all day today. Of course I still feel bad when I see them together. But I really don't think I'm jealous of them anymore. Of course I wish I had what they have but I need to realize that it isn't going to happen. I mean there must be something wrong with me or something because I'm never what anyone wants. I just want to feel love. I'm so sick of being faked. I'm so sick of the same shit happening all the time. I'm not going to expect anything different this year. My friend's have been awesome. School is really tiring. I came home and took a nap today because I was completely worn out today. I keep getting headaches and it sucks. I'm tired of talking about school. This weekend might be good. I'm going with someone to the Nickelback and Hoobastank concert on Sunday. My mom bought me an extra ticket for one of my friend's to come. Unfortunatly my friends are being losers and keep canceling on me. Hopefully I'll find someone to go with by then. Ack I hate feeling this lonely right now. It makes me have second thoughts about alot of things, which makes me do stupid things. I'm not going to do something stupid this time. I'm gonna just stop and give up on this. I'm tired of always getting my heart shoved back in my face. I'm tired of people being fakes. I've seen love die way too many times when it deserved to be alive. I've seen you cry way too many times when you deserved to be alive. ~Kristina

Why can't he trust me? I know exactly what he was aiming for. He was testing me. I don't want to be tested. Fuck. Then talking about how I'm apathetic yeah. It bothers me. Not to mention it anoys the crap out of me. Okay so I don't always show emotion. Fuck I've been stressed out about my fucking car crash and he has to pile his shit on top of that. What the fuck man. It's pretty fucking stupid. I know he loved me but you know as I got to know him better I don't know if I loved him. That's why I ended it. I knew something like that couldn't last. He was so insecure about everything. I don't like being tested. So let me describe basically what he did to me. Okay so Mauro was telling me about all this college drama going on. He was telling me all about his little crushes. I thought it was quite cute and interesting. Then he (the guy I was talking about before I'd rather not use his name) IMs me and starts asking me shit. Stuff like: Do you feel anything when he talks about other girls. Fuck I know what he was trying to do. He was trying to see if I fucking still liked Mauro. Well I don't. I realized within the first couple weeks of knowing Mauro that it would never work out between us. Mauro and I are good friends. He needs to trust me and not fucking interogate me about old shit. It pisses me off. Yeah so after his questioning he started questioning whether I thought we should be together still. This is basically how alot of conversations went. Either that or he was talking about how bad my music was. Extremly anoying I must say. So after he asked if I thought we should be together I told him he deserved better. He told me I deserved better. Uh huh. Yeah being stressed out makes me not very emotional in some cases. He needs to understand me more before he tries anything anymore. I'm so sick of him. Love is supposed to be understanding. Love is loss. ~Kristina

Ew. Today was the first day of school. What a drag. I barely got any sleep last night and I know that no one else got sleep last night either. Yeah at like 11 last night I was worried because I didn't know where my schedual was so I had to find it before I could get to sleep. Then I finally fell asleep around 12 and weoke up again at 2. Yay goodie I stayed awake until 4 and then fell asleep and had to wake up at 5:40. So let's see. Let's go through my suckish day and then I'll talk about something that's bothering me. Kay so here we go. I have to be at school at 6:45 for band rehearsal because we fucking suck ass. My first period is Algebra 2. My teacher seems kindof odd... and touch. Which will suck massivly this year. There was noone I knew in the class and she paired people up for the lockers. I got paired with someone I very much dislike so I'll just cary around my shit. I mean I don't really care anyway. After that I'm going over to Art 1 and that seems pretty cool. Not sure about the teacher but I think I can deal. She gave us this weirdo project where we had to draw something out of the shapes she gave us. It was really hard. I had no inspiration so therefore there was no ideas in my head. After that I go to US History which will probably be really easy. I got a good teacher. I have 2nd lunch which sucks because it's the shortest. And what sucks even more is NOT having a car. It frustraits me. But my parents are looking for one and when they find one with what I want then hurrah. But the good thing is that alot of my friends have that lunch so I won't be lonely. Then I have band. Albert was mad at us because we had a game tonight (on the first day of school wtf, whoever thought of that should be shot). The show looked and sounded horrible at practice so that was a blow. I hung around with people after school which was fun. I was really glad I got to see all my friends again. I might be doing stuff with some cool people this weekend. I definatly know that I'm going to Valerie and Vanessa's birthday party tomorow. We're filming another fucking dds. It's gonna be hott! Yeah um We had a football game tonight. Much suckage that was, but Leesville won. That's a first. Yeah pretty crazy huh. Alright well I'm gonna save the thing that's bothering me for tomorow since I've talked to much today. ~Kristina

My stomouch is in knots and I feel like I'm going to cough up my heart. I don't want to cry I really don't. I know I have something good but do I really. What if he doesn't care. I ripped my heart out to hand it to him. I am just hoping he won't shove it back at me. I care so much about him and I don't know where he is or what happend to him. I'm so worried but what if he doesn't care about me? Maybe all this was a joke and I'm going to get my heart broken again. I don't know right now and it's scaring me. But I may also have another choise. I don't know how well I'd be able to handle this heart break. I'm not saying it's going to happen but I'm just scared. And I know I'm making a big deal about this but I'm worried. He hasn't called and he hasn't gotten online so I'm worried. I mean I know this doesn't have anything to do with him liking me. But I'm not going to write about why I'm scared he doesn't like me. I don't know what to do anymore. I know I'm getting way too into things but I wish I wasn't. I wish I didn't have to be like this. I wish I could just live without being such a complainer and everything but I just worry. And I know I anoy the hell out of all of you guys and all my friends and everyone. I wish I wasn't like this. For one day I wish I could be someone else... One day... ~Kristina

Today has been a good day. Ian and his brother came over around 2 and we chilled. It was fun. He is a kick ass bass player and he tought me some stuff and we just hung out. He liked my stuff he kept saying how cool everything was lol. Yeah but it was fun! It has been a good day. My dad and I rented Corpse Bride and are gonna watch it tonight yay. So I learned a Marlyn Manson song on bass and guitar. I had alot of fun with him and I'm glad he came over cause he's a really cool guy. I love fishnet gloves. I think Morgs and I are gonna go to the mall so I can get some more. Maybe go cd hunting. Lmao! My doggie is scared of guitars it's funny. I got videos of them yay! XD. I'm having fun! I'm in a very good mood and am rping on my Ian alt cause he's hott. So that's basically it. I'm done talking now. Cause you probably don't wanna listen to me lol. I'm done with putting poems at the end of my things unless it's written by me k? So yeah. That's all I have to say for now bye ~Kristina

I'm sorry to all you guys out there that I have hurt. Cause I know I've done it and you know what? I feel bad. I just... Get my mind locked on one thing and that either ruins or makes my day. Then I end up going off on a rant about it. You all arn't living my life but you're trying to help it. I don't know how you can help it. I'm trying to make it on my own. I havn't appreciated things that I have because I've been so focused on this one thing. And then when it doesn't happen I rant about it. And I've been hurting others. And that's what I'm trying to protect some of you from. Sometimes I tend to be a mean stupid person, I'm not going to deny that. I don't know what it is but I don't appreciate some people. I told you and warned you about me. I knew it wouldn't work out ok? I know you probably won't read this cause you hate me. I told you that I was not very nice. I knew this from when I went out with Steven ok? I learned and I didn't want to hurt you. And I didn't want to lose our friendship. It might be different if we went to the same school but we don't. I'm not the same person online as I am in real life. In real life I'm a coward and a bitch. And you can deny that but havn't I shown you already? I don't mean to do it but I do. And I wanted to keep you from this but you kept coming and I don't understand this. Why would you still keep coming closer when I warned you not too. You're right I do have thorns. And that's why I tried to keep you away. The inner me isn't anything more than a stupid freak of nature. I may be nice online but I'm not. I've changed alot since before and you can't fall back on me because I'm different. I hope you realize that I don't want to hurt you but maybe it would be best if we had a little distance between us. You continue to be mad at me and it's making me even more into this mood of this. If you really want me to commit suicide well you wouldn't be the only one and if you truley want that then fine. Why don't you just come shoot me yourself if I did all that shit to you. I want us to stay just friends there is nothing more. There can NEVER be anything more than that. This was the same thing that happend with Steven and I told you what I did to him. Do you really want someone like that in your life. I wouldn't. So I suggest you back off and find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated cause I don't. Alright other than that there is nothing going on. I'm basically being ditched by someone I thought would be a good friend. I'm not sure sometimes it seems that he can be so nice but then others he just shuns me away. Confuzed? I think so. Anyway Sorry everyone. I hope you'll forgive me ~Kris Now we’re broken on the floor She just wants me to share her It hasn’t been this way before She just wants me to dare her The phone rings And she screams "Stab my back, It’s better when I bleed for you. Walk on me, It never was enough to do." Can’t get passed her Falling faster It's true It hasn’t done a lot for you And every time he held you close Yeah, were you thinking of me? When I needed you the most Well I hope that you’re happy The phone rings And she screams "Stab my back, It’s better when I bleed for you. Walk on me, It never was enough to do." Can’t get passed her Falling faster It's true It’s better when I bleed for you I hope that love he gave you Was just enough to save you You nearly broke my heart Just look at what you’re tearing apart Stab my back It’s better when I bleed for you Walk on me It never was enough to do Can’t get passed her Falling faster It's true It hasn’t done a lot for you It’s better when I bleed for you It never was enough to do It hasn’t done a lot for you -Stab My Back:All American Rejects-

It's so strange how one person can turn your world upside down. Everything changes in a split second. This person made my week so great ever since he began talking to me. I don't know why he'd talk to me but he did. It's been amazing. It's great to have a friend in a class. Someone who makes me laugh and smile. So yeah yesterday we talked about my videos and stuff. It was fun. Yeah so I think I'll have to go buy some more fishnet gloves so I can give him the shitty pair. Lmao he won't care he'll be happy ^.^. I'm so nice that I get people stuff... I hope that he won't just stop talking to me cause that would hurt so much it'll be crazy... And no I don't like him but I just like him as a friend k? So in other news last night my parents got pissed off at me because I was talking back to them last night. I was eating in the living room and they were like get out. And I was like get over it. So they were like "GO TO YOUR ROOM!" and I said "That's not much of a punishment" and kicked a door and left. I sat in my room with the lights off blasting From First To Last. I ended up going around my room throwing things around in the dark. It was quite nice actually. Then I started beating up a pillow and I probably looked like some crazy freak but I don't care I mean who's watching me? Anyway it was a good way to get my anger out at them. Then I ended up screaming myself basically to sleep but I stopped myself before I actually fell asleep. They didn't even hear it probably because the music was loud. Then I was thinking. I thought about everything. I hate valentines day. It's a day for all the couples to show off to the people who don't have anyone. That's so stupid and I wish it would die! Makes me angry. Although this month seems like a good month for me don't know why though. Anyway I'm listening to Marilyn Manson and jumping around yelling it. I'm having fun so shut up. Morgan's coming over today and I'm gonna try to buy some black nail polish. I have to "Save" morgan from her parents lmao. I wish I could do that sometimes. Anyway I'm off bye guys. ~Kris I'm so tired of being here Suppressed by all my childish fears And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave 'Cause your presence still lingers here And it won't leave me alone These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have All of me You used to captivate me By your resonating life Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind Your face it haunts My once pleasant dreams Your voice it chased away All the sanity in me I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone But though you're still with me I've been alone all along -Evanescence:My Immortal-

Well so far this week has been shit but the past two days have been great. I'm finally being listened to. I actually have maybe a friend in some of my classes. That's a first. I mean sure I've had friends in the past but they were from lunch or something. I thought maybe this thing would last one day but no he talked to me again and we were laughing and joking around. I can't believe this. It is making me feel better. Strange how such a little thing as words can do that to you. Yeah so basically I'll just try to be nice and friendly and laugh and stuff around them. Unless of course I'm having a bad day but whatever. This is fun. Anyway he's a cool guy really nice. No I don't like him but he's a friend and you know he's just cool. Anyway it's nice to have some friends sometimes. That are not all girls. Lmao maybe he should come make movies with us :x. -shrug- Anyway I'm off to watch some videos on the net. Don't have anything better to do. My mom's off at orientation. Oh you know what's getting on my nerves. People come up to me in the hall and go "Your hair is so emo!" and try to get it out of my face. I like it in my face that's why I WEAR it like this. God damn people are retards. Anyway in other news I have now been deamed an official stick! YAY! XD yeah my friends can pick me up even with my books on. Which is kindof scarry. But that's ok I'm glad I'm getting skinnier. K done bye ~Kristina Before I let you go, give me just one more night to show you just how I feel. I lost all my control, if it takes my whole damn life I'll make this up to you. Kind of like the waves, that roll their whole life towards somewhere crashing on the shore That's blown in by the wind that carries the clouds to hide my wish on a fallen star A different kind of pain, is someone there to hold you is someone there to take you away from me.(x2) I tried to let you go I wish I could turn back time and show you just how i feel i needed you to know, if it takes my whole damn life i'll make this up to you Kind of like the waves, that roll their whole life towards somewhere crashing on the shore That's blown in by the wind, that carries the clouds to hide my wish on a fallen star A different kind of pain, is someone there to hold you is someone there to take you away from me. (x2) Before you let me go away Before you let me go away Before you let me go away Before you let me go I needed you to know A different kind of pain, is someone there to hold you is someone there to take you away from me A different kind of pain, is someone there to hold you is someone there to take you away from me A different kind of pain A different kind of pain It's a different kind of pain It's adifferent kind of pain Before you let me go It's a different kind of pain I need you to know It's a different kind of pain It's a different kind.. -cold: A Different Kind Of Pain-

So today was a much better day for me. I don't really know anything that happend much. Two guys actually came up and talked to me which made me all ^.^. Yeah he wanted to borrow my fishnet gloves and I was all ok. Lol he called me over first for money though. Yeah sounds dumb but hey no guys ever talk to me so it's a change. I mean guys talk to me but not about anything unless it's "What's the homework" or "Do you have a pencil?" heh. Yeah anyway that made me happy. So then band was normal we had sectionals which I was ok in since Ben wasn't doing them. I hate Ben with a passion. He enjoys picking on me every second of the day and it gets anoying after a while. So yeah that's basically it. I'm done talking now. So here I'll give you the video I worked hard as crap on today: ~Kris I'm warning you this is a sappy video it almost made me cry ok but shut up. (It wouldn't let me post it dirrectly on here I don't know why) http://www.youtube.com/?v=Vbc1pF6LPQo

That's right I hate just about everyone at the moment. Today had to be one of the worst days in my life. I know I have no chance what-so-ever with that guy so I'm giving up. I must forget him. That will be hard as hell. He's a senior what was I thinking. I'm such a fucking moron. Anyway so I realized this last night making my morning miserable while I woke up at fucking 5:45 for band. God damn band and it's early morning rehearsels. Then I told Morgan that I was giving up. God I hate love it sucks and you know what I give up on it. This is fucking stupid if I didn't get my hopes up all the time I would be able to be happy god damn it. Anyway then I made it through first period by trying to be happy and shit. But whatever like that's going to work. Anyway second period was spent reading sleeping reading sleeping basically like this. She only caught me sleeping once durring this time. Then third period we had new seats and I'm not as close to morgan as I was before which sucks. She put me up in the front damn it... Anyway I snuck to the back durring our lab thing and sat with her and did it together and the teacher didn't notice. So lunch is when everything went from bad to worse. So I started talking about gothic clubs which brought up a stupid subject of sterio-types. Of course they all were saying how fucking scarry goths were and that they worshipped the devil. And this was pissing me off while I'm saying "You don't know them all! They are not all like that! You don't know!" and they kept going so I got my stuff and said "FUCK YOU!" and left. I went to this little corner to read my book and not think about those fuckers. Then Steven came over and was all "What's wrong" and so I told him. This was one of the few times when he was actually nice to me. Then I told him about how I had no chance with that guy and that I have no hope or whatever so we went to the lunch room to go show Steven who he is. Of course Brittany had lunch there and she called steven over so I continued walking so I could see my guy. And he wasn't there so I was like D:. I walked back over to go to my wall and as I walk by Brittany says "She's such a poser" really loud so I turned around and flicked her off. That bitch is such a fucking moron. She needs to get over herself. She needs to get her little fat ass out of my life. Does she not have a life of her own so she doesn't have to be so stuck on mine? Anyway I walked back to my corner and started to read again and of course Morgan and them come over and were all "I'm sorry". So I was like ok and they gave me a hug which helped. Yeah I'm still a lil pissed off at them which I may sit at a different table tomorow or something just so I can get away from some of those people. Band was even more hell of course. Ben sat there and they were making fun of my fishnet things. I don't care it doesn't bother me. Anyway they're just anoying. I've been so pissed off I'm worried that I'm getting a little too angry and people may be angry with me. I probably need to calm down but I have good reasons to be angry. You understand... Don't you? ~Kristina Hold me tight Until my breath is gone I don’t want this anymore Tainted memories And lies unfold I cry tears of blood For there is so much pain That I can’t keep it inside of me But I still try Maybe you should squeeze me Until I bleed for you I won’t be able to stop Me from bleeding These scars aren’t healing There’s no use in trying When there’s nothing left To try for The last of this is gone So please make this The last breath I make -The Last: Kristina Wheeler-

I don't understand this. I want it so bad. To be able to speak to someone. I want to be able to say something to them. I just can't. I can't speak when I'm around them. I'm afraid... Afraid of what they'll say what they'll think. I'm afraid they will just ignore me... Maybe they won't even talk to me... They'll probably think I'm anoying. Why can't I just talk to him? I'm so afraid... I'm afriad I'll let something out and he'll leave. I'm afraid to give my trust to anyone... When so many others have broken it. I don't want to let myself escape from my comfert zone. Of course I'd be so happy. I want it so bad to be able to walk up and talk to him. My throat feels soar for I am beging to realize the truth about what I can and can't do. This is one of the can'ts. I just CAN'T talk to him. He'll probably be just like the others and what they did to me. They force me to remain in this box that I can't escape from. I feel the tears coming in my eyes. They are begining to travel down my cheeks. I want to talk to him. I just can't talk to someone that I don't know. Just go up to them. I don't want to be turned down again... It's already happend twice this year so what would change about him. I doubt anything would change. But maybe he is different... Maybe he does have a heart.... Maybe he does know how it feels to be turned down. Maybe we'd have alot in common... I can't build myself up to think this cause I know I won't be able to find out. If one day I could find the courage and be brave enough to just say "Hey" or something... To strike up a conversation with him would be one of the most wonderful things ever. But he probably doesn't even know I exist. He doesn't know me. I don't even know his name... I shouldn't even bother. Last time this happend it never worked out and it never will. Maybe this was meant to be... I'm not meant to have someone who loves me... I'm not meant to love anyone... Today at the mall was really fun guys. So I want to thank you for coming even though I wasn't myself today. I know I was acting funny and I wish for god that I could for once just talk to him. To make him laugh to make him smile to see his smile. To gaze into his eyes. It won't work. So I might as well not try... Thanks for reading this if you did... Oh and just so you know I'm not feeling suicidal right now just feel like crying. I probably need to let it out tonight. Get some crap out of my head and onto paper. Didn't feel like writing a poem tonight it wouldn't be enough... ~Kristina Please, please forgive me But I won't be home again Maybe some day you'll look up And barely conscious you'll say to no one Isn't something missing? You won't cry for my absence I know You forgot me long ago Am I that unimportant? Am I so insignificant? Isn't something missing? isn't someone missing me? Even though I'm the sacrifice You won't try for me not now Though I'd die to know you love me I'm all alone isn't someone missing me? Please, please forgive me But I won't be home again I know what you do to yourself I breathe deep and cry aloud "Isn't something missing?" Isn't someone missing me? Even though I'm the sacrifice You won't try for me not now Though I'd die to know you love me I'm all alone isn't someone missing me? And if I bleed, I'll bleed Knowing you don't care And if I sleep just to dream of you I'll wake without you there isn't something missing? isn't something...? Even though I'm the sacrifice You won't try for me not now though I'd die to know you love me I'm all alone Isn't something missing? Isn't someone missing me? -Evanescence Missing-

I am so sick of people. They're just assholes. Can't people for once just act like adults and not be retarted about everything. I mean seriously what does it matter what I wear and what I like in music. It doesn't matter to me what anyone else thinks so I wish some people would get that through their little skulls. If they won't I guess I'll have to hammer it in there. People are so rude and inconsiderate. Today a group of boys were sitting there throwing pizza crust at my friends and I. I'm guessing I was probably their main target seeing as they were right behind me. I don't know though but it's completely stupid. I mean seriously people need to get a fucking life. I'm so sick of their stupid asses being so damn fucked. And then Ben had to keep going on and on about how EVERYONE thinks my music sucks. For one that's not true and two I don't care about Ben cause all I get to hear about is how Amy likes Ben. Ben has a girl friend Amy is pissed off. Everyone's pissed at Ben. Ben is a jerk. Ben is bigheaded. Ben has a big ego. All this shit. What the hell is wrong with them. They're so wrapped up in their pathetic little lives. They really get on my nerves. For one day I wish they would shut up and just play music. At least I have something to get my anger at the world out tonight. I know I seem like I'm such a complainer all the time. I'm not I just write here when I'm angry to get this out. I don't know why those guys got to me today that they were throwing shit at me... I don't know... I'll go write some stuff and play guitar bye Kristina What’s the point in trying When every time you try you fail What’s the point in giving everything yourall When it’s never good enough What’s the point in doing your best When nobody every appreciates it What’s the point in shooting for the goal When the goal is so far away What’s the point of trying anything When it is never appreciated? -What's The Point-Kristina Wheeler-

So here's news. I'm STRESSED OUT!!!! Ok? Yeah I've been just wanting to be alone only a few people have been able to talk to me today. Yes the select few in which I decide to talk to. I'm going to have the twins over on monday lmao that rocks < No mom... But she kept going damn parents... Yeah she said I'd get guitar taken away and computer taken away if I don't do it. So I'm gonna do it but if I dissapoint her and Albert it's going to be hell...

Hey guys I've posted some of my videos on a website yay! So now everyone can see them. I'm working on getting Deepest Darkest Secrests out there for you guys but right now I've only uploaded 2 videos. So here is the link to the two videos. Angel in the Dark: http://www.zippyvideos.com/1409476162897606/fine_0002/ Maddi: http://www.zippyvideos.com/8818628692908346/maddi_0001/

So... I was sick today and I just stayed home. Not to mention that I'm sick of people. It's killing me to be here all alone... So did I ever tell you what really happend? Well if I havn't I'll write about it. Alright so let's see. A while ago Austin told me that whole death going out thing. And I was upset for a while. I eventually got over him by hiding myself in the mask of a character I made up online, Elizabeth Swann. I asked people to call me that, I would print out roleplays and it was almost like my life. I spent countless hours on the computer roleplaying this girl who I thought was just what I wanted. No she wasn't perfect. She drank, and she cut, and yet she still had guys that liked her. I thought maybe if I was like her guys would like me more. I got lost into her life and it got quite odd. Friends were ignoring me when I'd talk about my "life," and I really didn't have a life of my own. Yeah I still went out and did stuff, I was just lost in this other world. Friends were worried about me and everything was weird. I was a wreck. Then I met this guy named Simon. He was really nice to me, yes you all know about this. Well he'd call me just to talk and he texed me cute things like little hearts and stuff. I slowly was pulling away the mask I hid over myself. Lizzy was starting to die away in my spirit I was feeling happy again. But then his calls just stopped, no texts or anything. I was wondering what was wrong finally on friday I asked him to go to the mall he said he'd try he never got back to me and then saturday he told me he couldn't like me. So yeah there's my love life for you. It sucks just as I do. I suck at life. I can't believe I let him get to me like this. I can't understand why I had to let my walls come down like they did. I just want to put them back up. Not with Lizzy but with a wall from my friends. I will probably be snappy or I'll ignore you or I'll make you feel bad because I'm weird like that. I hate the way I am which is part of my problem. Alright well I don't wanna say anymore. The other day when I was taking band pictures I almost passed out lol. Half the band almost did XD. ~kristina

I feel so broken up, and I give up. I just want to tell you, so you know. Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you. You are my only one. I'd let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do. You are my only, my only one. Made my mistakes, let you down, and I can't, I can't hold on for too long. Ran my whole life in the ground, and I can't, I can't get up when you're gone. So I did it. I took the plunge... I was nervous but I did it. He said he'd try to go to the mall with me. Well he never called me back I called him but he didn't call me. He didn't go... What is it that's wrong with me huh? Why can't I ever be cared about as I wished. I brought my walls down and my emotional state was opend. I was hurt again so soon... I can't even believe I'm going through this whole thing again. Sobbing again... I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN WHY DIDN'T I STOP IT!!! ~Kristina

So am I living or slowly slowly dying. I keep breaking myself apart over this one little thing. I get different signals and it confuzes me but that's ok... For now once I get this over with everything will be fine. Once this is over I'll be able to grasp it. I'll be able to take in feelings. I'll be able to do things that I have been waiting for, forever. I hope this works out because I'll fall apart if I do this again. I hate breaking myself down to make myself feel bad and worse. It hurts to make myself feel worse and worse about myself... I think I will just take some action. Maybe I just need to stop... I can' just stop the love which will stop the pain all together. I wish that's what I could do but if there's no love within me there's no will to live any longer. ~Kristina