I moved to livejournal. http://ohtheaesthetics.livejournal.com

The last time I felt like this was the last time Jake devastated me beyond all reason. Uhg, Christmas. My mother said I looked sick -- I feel ill. I talked to Dave a little bit today and completely distracted him from his sermon. He said something a little disturbing after hearing the entire ordeal that Jake/Kiera have evolved into -- which is completely awful to classify us as, but whatever. He told me we can't be friends... he blatantly told me, with no qualms to waver his voice, that things like this don't work out after you hit a certain level of intimacy in a relationship. It's true that it's hard to revert to friendship -- it does seem impossible, but honestly I can't seem to make myself believe it. Sure, Jake and I are on a complete hiatus in terms of just... existing peacefully, but I don't know -- it was a nasty break up and a beautiful friendship that got sacrificed for a relationship. I still can't believe it can't get better than this. We both fell victim to the enemy -- which means God has something great for us, together or separate. I know it's there. I serve my God -- who is the God of the Impossible... and I only expect to see good things through this whole thing. For us as friends, at the very least. I just can't stay away... and I can't figure out why. Dave told me I can't care about him... we just can't have a relationship because it went too far -- it was either get married or never speak again. I can't understand how two people can get so far and it's just all or nothing. I wanted it to be all... but he didn't understand. Dave doesn't understand really, either... he asked me a question that I never answered... about long distance... how we stumbled over the question is a mystery to me, still. "Would you do it again?" He hadn't asked a loaded question at all, they were very abstract and vague enough to be irrelevant to Jake... it wasn't "would you date someone with the distance" or "would you attempt to date when that is an issue?" It was so specific, his face and the his tone... but he took it back really quickly. I think if there was the promise of marriage (like I thought) and the provision of the monetary issue... of course I would do it again... of course I would cover my heart in stamps and seal it in letters. But that was a long time ago. It looks like I still haven't moved on. Dave called Jake an idiot... which was disgruntling... but if he does talk to Jake about me, he will tell him not to talk to me anymore... to just move on... to forget about me because it's hopeless. And Jake will listen to him. Because he doesn't know what else to do. But I believe in my Awesome God I really do. I believe He will drive this ailment from my head, ears, stomach, and bones. I believe He will heal my heart I believe He will help me forgive I believe He will mend our ties that seem so severed. But I will never forget. I will never forget how much joy, love, and wisdom I found through our relationship. And because of that I can never give up on him. I will never truly let go of his hand... God is holding my right hand always. And God said... he said my left is to my love. I've got Jake weaved between my fingers... but it's like lifeless digits now. Why can't I let go? Because I admire him. Because I love the times we had. Because I love how he and his family showed me the love of my Lord. Because I thought he was funny (not intentionally of course) Because I thought he was contemplative (he still is) Because I thought he was wise (more than I am.) Because I look up to him. Because he listened. And now his ears have been shut off for me a very long time now. I sigh a very deep sigh everytime I remember he's not so much a happy thought anymore. I keep finding traces of him... and I keep tossing them in the box. It's more like a safe-keeping box for now until I can find something else... it's with my bills, my important documents, my bank statements. I only just realized that... the fact that I placed it with things I can't get rid of. My my my... what to do?

This is ridiculous. Come on God, please show me. Please heal me. Please help him. I'm running on ultimatum's now. He goes or I do. Go on, say it... I'm pretty pathetic. I've sacrificed my pride and dignity, but my character will not go down with that ship. shipwreck. relationshipwreck. Dustin is treating me a lot like Jake did... it's catching me off guard. Brother. Brother. Brother. He's just a brother. Keeeeep saying it.

...Is a throw to the wind. But I come back and get you. -- Like a sneeze. Gross. But watch out, because you have no idea what my past entailed... and I can make a mess like nobody's business. Consider your stupid self warned. Oh, and I finally packed you away. Tore photos. Burned things. Feels good. Like I made you feel the way I do.

I've resorted to this journal. Uhg... because xanga -- I just can't be on the same network as him... it's like sitting too close to the fire. All I keep getting is heat and ashes. It burns inside... like a rush of utterly disgusting medicine. Only he doesn't help me get better He's making me worse like overdosing -- he makes my veins course with anger and hostility... and pain and lamenting... with stinging and scrapping. I've been looking and searching during my introspective endeavors as to what I did to deserve this. I sacrificed too much for him I gave him too much and received little in return. No, you know what I get? I get a punk who is too consumed with himself to acknowledge anyone else. It's always what he hears from God. Waiting on him to wait on God. Never willing to do the other way around. And I still can't find a way to hate him. No, I'm not confused or grammatically incorrect. I want to hate him so everytime I thought of him I was just roll my eyes and carry on... instead of the bad medicine -- instead of the tears, instead of hurting. I've been fasting and I only feel worse. I really need God here. I know He is, I just... we're far away because of this. Because this boy He put in my life I wish He didn't. It's not much of a gift or a blessing. I could be making good decisions right now and hating life -- like last year. And like now. No difference. There is no difference. I just hate him. Which is what I can't seem to mean. Same day Entry... I TOTALLY WROTE ABOUT THIS... Jake. I wrote about this stuff... this situation... that's how predictable he is. :-/ Someone's been reading my journal... a lot. I don't know who.

I'm breathing in standard, singular breaths well-dispersed through a minute's time. I'm going to take it slow. Like it says in the song... I can do this. "This ain't a movie no No fairy tale conclusion ya'll It gets more confusing everyday Sometimes it's heaven sent Then we head back to hell again We kiss then we make up on the way I hang up you call We rise and we fall And we feel like just walking away As our love advances We take second chances Though it's not a fantasy I Still want you to stay... Take it slow Maybe we'll live and learn Maybe we'll crash and burn Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave, maybe you'll return Maybe another fight Maybe we won't survive But maybe we'll grow We never know baby -- you and I... We're just ordinary people We don't know which way to go Cuz we're ordinary people Maybe we should take it slow We're just ordinary people We don't know which way to go Cuz we're ordinary people Maybe we should take it slow This time we'll take it slow This time we'll take it slow..." So... "I know I misbehaved And you made your mistakes And we both still got room left to grow And though love sometimes hurts I still put you first And we'll make this thing work But I think we should take it slow" Looks like being a Christian earns the short stick of those kinds of things. :-/

Maybe I lied. Maybe I can't stand his silence. Maybe I sat in my car for half an hour crying Maybe I almost had another asthma attack Maybe I want you to tell me your secrets Maybe I could never hate you Maybe I could forgive you Maybe I could go a day without tears coming from my eyes. Maybe we could both grow up And maybe I could die on an island. It's you or me now, because we can't both be on this world.

So now I've passed the whole part about missing/pining... Now I just hate his guts. Finally. But trust me, I'm in no rush to fall into some stupid trap with a hypocrite. "If I was in a relationship I would try my hardest to make it work." You are so full of it.

I thought I'd be used to it by now. You know, you being gone. Trouble is... I stood at the airport yesterday for someone else and hoped you would come. I've just gone stupid for you. I'm going to make this month into something it's not. I'm making it about Corey. And you can't stop me. But I could never fall in love again. You can know that, I suppose.

I never loved nobody fully Always one foot on the ground And by protecting my heart truly I got lost in the sounds I hear in my mind All these voices I hear in my mind all these words I hear in my mind all this music And it breaks my heart And it breaks my heart And it breaks my heart It breaks my heart And suppose I never met you Suppose we never fell in love Suppose I never ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft Suppose I never ever saw you Suppose we never ever called Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall Just to break my fall Just to break my fall Break my fall Break my fall All my friends say that of course its gonna get better Gonna get better Better better better better Better better better I never love nobody fully Always one foot on the ground And by protecting by heart truly I got lost In the sounds I hear in my mind All these voices I hear in my mind all these words I hear in my mind All this music And it breaks my heart It breaks my heart Breaks my Heart Breaks my heart When will you get it?

I hate being fat. I hate reading. I hate snooping. I hate head aches. I hate homework I hate funerals. I hate not being able to do anything.

It's something like remembering that whole process... before the dating. Before the hugging. Before the kisses. Before the sexual intimacy. I miss before the conceiving of a child. I miss before the months of waiting the months of growing larger of the the being inside existing. Before the mistakes. Pregnancy. Unplanned. Mistake? When other couples strive for a child... one time unprotected... maybe it was more that increased the chances... But how on earth was is so EASY? God has a child born for a reason. That's why we can't kill it. It's a gift right? But you're barely half-way done with highschool and the freshman in college. You don't even know. You have no idea. What to do?

TELL ME HOW HIS VOICE MAILS ALWAYS GET DELETED. ALWAYS. I don't have his voice at all. That hurts my heart.

I just really need to clear my head... I can't work if I've confused. I looked for a box to put you away in... something different so I could always know you were there... because you always different. And that night you asked why I felt like I had to be different from everyone else... I wanted to slap you and tell you that I hoped you found someone who would treat you like everyone else. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you were so ignorant to me. To my feelings. To my heart. Which was always on my sleeve for you. It still is. And I pretty much still resent you for that. Really, I almost wish I hadn't asked for all of it back... It sits here beside my desk and taunts me. I think that's why my desk is so completely filthy... so papers and books will eventually cover the entire sight of it. It always hurts a little bit. I still want to put you away in a box. I wasn't going to... honestly, but I don't need them to remind me of you anymore. I kept them out with the fear I might forget you. Truly Jake, I don't need pictures and letters to remind me of you. I wish it was the same way for you. But that's what you were to me, letters, experiences, declarations, a person to share my life with like that. Every detail. You were the one. You never let me say, "The past is the past, can we just start from here?" You didn't let me. You held it against me as much as I you. Because I walked into your past and I walked out of my own. I just wanted to go with you. I wanted that silly triangle I wanted to travel I wanted to serve with you. I still do. I guess. I wish I didn't... just because it's not possible. Hearts are weird. My heart was weird for three years. THREE YEARS. Then you came and made it weirder... you came... and it's almost been two years. And my three years was without the reciprocation for that guy. That's what he was. How can you dare to compare yourself to him? You degraded yourself. If that's what you want to be just one of many... fine. But I couldn't stand that you made me just another girl. And for that, I may never forgive you.

Oh fierce emotions, plague me no longer I beg, I plead, I fall to my knees. Oh God, why must I suffer? Suffer the indignance of unreciprocation. For so little of time did you allow the utter happiness of this small convinience. The closest thing to heaven I had. Now gone. Dead. Stomped out like an accidental fire. Please, extinguish the things that are vital to living, not things that would kill me.

I give up. I haven't forgiven yet.

I really miss him, I do... and I'm so angry at him for being who he is... because that person isn't really in my life... he's just an idea now. And idea that exists some 4,000 miles away. I miss his smiles the way his eyes light up I miss the way his voice sounds How much I love the small cracks and changing pitches when he gets excited I miss how my whole body felt nervous and overcome by small igniting sparks every time I walked into a room and his eyes rolled over my person. I miss playing soccer with him I miss playing games chasing walking just existing in the same place our places are different now. Why does my heart tease me that our places could be the same some day? Why does it taunt me when it seems so silly? I miss dancing with him I miss the small moments of silence with him where I could close my eyes and sing if I wanted and he wouldn't think I was stupid. I want to spend my life with him, hopping from islands to countries to small cafe's for french fries and milkshakes. I want the uncertainty of him... and the certainty of God always be the center of our relationship. I want to be able to wake up and smile, thinking that he is the love of my life remember that I get to love him the way I know I do and I get to grow with him. And I could hold his hand anytime I wanted. Such hands Hands that completely cover my own within his. Perfect fit, that's what I would say. I wonder if I could ever fit him.

She's going to be strong Check the stats, you know I didn't care.

Who wants us apart more? ...God or the enemy?

I miss you.