The last time I felt like this was the last time Jake devastated me beyond all reason. Uhg, Christmas. My mother said I looked sick -- I feel ill. I talked to Dave a little bit today and completely distracted him from his sermon. He said something a little disturbing after hearing the entire ordeal that Jake/Kiera have evolved into -- which is completely awful to classify us as, but whatever. He told me we can't be friends... he blatantly told me, with no qualms to waver his voice, that things like this don't work out after you hit a certain level of intimacy in a relationship. It's true that it's hard to revert to friendship -- it does seem impossible, but honestly I can't seem to make myself believe it. Sure, Jake and I are on a complete hiatus in terms of just... existing peacefully, but I don't know -- it was a nasty break up and a beautiful friendship that got sacrificed for a relationship. I still can't believe it can't get better than this. We both fell victim to the enemy -- which means God has something great for us, together or separate. I know it's there. I serve my God -- who is the God of the Impossible... and I only expect to see good things through this whole thing. For us as friends, at the very least. I just can't stay away... and I can't figure out why. Dave told me I can't care about him... we just can't have a relationship because it went too far -- it was either get married or never speak again. I can't understand how two people can get so far and it's just all or nothing. I wanted it to be all... but he didn't understand. Dave doesn't understand really, either... he asked me a question that I never answered... about long distance... how we stumbled over the question is a mystery to me, still. "Would you do it again?" He hadn't asked a loaded question at all, they were very abstract and vague enough to be irrelevant to Jake... it wasn't "would you date someone with the distance" or "would you attempt to date when that is an issue?" It was so specific, his face and the his tone... but he took it back really quickly. I think if there was the promise of marriage (like I thought) and the provision of the monetary issue... of course I would do it again... of course I would cover my heart in stamps and seal it in letters. But that was a long time ago. It looks like I still haven't moved on. Dave called Jake an idiot... which was disgruntling... but if he does talk to Jake about me, he will tell him not to talk to me anymore... to just move on... to forget about me because it's hopeless. And Jake will listen to him. Because he doesn't know what else to do. But I believe in my Awesome God I really do. I believe He will drive this ailment from my head, ears, stomach, and bones. I believe He will heal my heart I believe He will help me forgive I believe He will mend our ties that seem so severed. But I will never forget. I will never forget how much joy, love, and wisdom I found through our relationship. And because of that I can never give up on him. I will never truly let go of his hand... God is holding my right hand always. And God said... he said my left is to my love. I've got Jake weaved between my fingers... but it's like lifeless digits now. Why can't I let go? Because I admire him. Because I love the times we had. Because I love how he and his family showed me the love of my Lord. Because I thought he was funny (not intentionally of course) Because I thought he was contemplative (he still is) Because I thought he was wise (more than I am.) Because I look up to him. Because he listened. And now his ears have been shut off for me a very long time now. I sigh a very deep sigh everytime I remember he's not so much a happy thought anymore. I keep finding traces of him... and I keep tossing them in the box. It's more like a safe-keeping box for now until I can find something else... it's with my bills, my important documents, my bank statements. I only just realized that... the fact that I placed it with things I can't get rid of. My my my... what to do?