Today was so... long. These days seem to be so elongated and arranged strongly against me and my happiness. That is a relatively silly way to take the length of a day, but I am the queen of exaggeration. Well... at times. So -- Jake decided today, while the scent of spring was thick and its vapors sent me into a lazy haze, that he would tell me that he was to be gone by the end of the year. Yeah. My day basically w e n t l i k e t h i s Good times? No. They most certainly did not come to a screeching halt at all! Stay tuned as we venture to the Common Cup for the worst silence I've yet to experience in my life. It was already kind of weird there. I felt like I did not fit the least bit... sort of like I wasn't there, I was overlooking the events that everyone else had participated in -- almost a psuedo-omnipotent thing. I think God probably gets a lot more joy than I did. Well, there I was, with my magazines -- all by my lonesome at a table that stretched atleast two full lengths of my person. I sat with glazed eyes that perused the pages, the fan cutting my light off in .5 second increments; it was sort of like a really bad introduction to a private investigation movie. If I try, I can recollect that scene in black and white. Over prances Nick. He always seems to know when to give people company. I think that's one of my favorite things about him. But after that... I ended up in the adjacent seating bench beside Nick, who left, then Jake... then I left for Paul, then I returned... and I received one of the most derrogatory stares I have ever had the displeasure of be affected with by his eyes. Jake, that is. I mean, there was the cocked eyebrow, slightly narrowed, and hard eyes. Who knew? I think it made me feel terrible. I then proceeded to talk to him about the whole "I'll be out of here by the end of the year," in a very indirect way. It was a crash and burn sort of topic, so we pretty much succeeded at the matter by continuing to converse. We moved our conversation outside... and the wind was so... sweet. I could taste summer thunderstorms and grass stains. So strange. I told him I didn't think I could do it. I couldn't miss him for a year. I couldn't do it again. I know my limits... and we really tested them these elapsed five months. I cannot stand the thought of him leaving again. He brings a certain element into my life that just... I don't know. It's inexplicable... but I don't feel like that for anyone else. I am so pleased to see him. I am so excited to be around him. I am content with just staring. Praise the Lord for that... since that's pretty much what happened outside. Neither one of us had words to mend the situation or discussion. I knew we were both praying the whole time. I flat out refused to pray with him. I'm still not there. But how long will I have him around to pray with? Eight months? Before he's off again. While I'm here. Doing the school thing. Still living with the mother one. His adventures seem to crush mine. I prayed... but I can't verbalize it with him. I am still uncomfortable with praying in the presence of another person. Especially him. Why? I didn't want him to pray -- I was done. Right there. I was ready to stand up, tell him I never wanted to see him again, and find the last bus to Parham. Just because that seemed like an easier alternative than facing the fact that he is going to leave. It hurts. But it's not about me. But I hate wanting to cry. I hate not being able to stop myself from crying. I hate crying. He has made me cry more than any other person on this world. Besides my mother. But I don't cry because he's hateful. I cry because I can't bear thought of not having him around. God did give me words when we were sitting, staring, starving for anything. I don't know why I don't just go, but it was almost like they were screaming at me. Right after Jake asked me I was glad that he was listening and acting for Jesus. Right after I responded, "of course," the words were pounding in my ears so loud I thought he might hear them anyway. "I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. and I want nothing but the best for you." I don't want to overuse it or devalue it by frequency. I wanted it to be special... and I denied it. ::sigh:: what to do with me? I need to pray. I'm off.