I've resorted to this journal. Uhg... because xanga -- I just can't be on the same network as him... it's like sitting too close to the fire. All I keep getting is heat and ashes. It burns inside... like a rush of utterly disgusting medicine. Only he doesn't help me get better He's making me worse like overdosing -- he makes my veins course with anger and hostility... and pain and lamenting... with stinging and scrapping. I've been looking and searching during my introspective endeavors as to what I did to deserve this. I sacrificed too much for him I gave him too much and received little in return. No, you know what I get? I get a punk who is too consumed with himself to acknowledge anyone else. It's always what he hears from God. Waiting on him to wait on God. Never willing to do the other way around. And I still can't find a way to hate him. No, I'm not confused or grammatically incorrect. I want to hate him so everytime I thought of him I was just roll my eyes and carry on... instead of the bad medicine -- instead of the tears, instead of hurting. I've been fasting and I only feel worse. I really need God here. I know He is, I just... we're far away because of this. Because this boy He put in my life I wish He didn't. It's not much of a gift or a blessing. I could be making good decisions right now and hating life -- like last year. And like now. No difference. There is no difference. I just hate him. Which is what I can't seem to mean. Same day Entry... I TOTALLY WROTE ABOUT THIS... Jake. I wrote about this stuff... this situation... that's how predictable he is. :-/ Someone's been reading my journal... a lot. I don't know who.