Well then... today was strange and different. I don't know where to begin, but it was radically opposing to any other sort of day. I don't think I enjoy these much... but they happen. One80... that was... an eye opener almost. I don't know. The reality that Helen is leaving just really set in all at once. A week. One week. I miss her already. She says she wants to talk. In all my years, that has never been anything of the varying sort to qualify as grand. Blah. I don't know, I've learned a lot from her in these months. It's been really nice to just have her home. And there she goes again. Like everyone else. Anna called her the big sister. Yeah. When I was praying with Anna tonight, it was really like God just told her everything that I didn't say... and we prayed for them. It was incredible... to hear it. God's just incredible like that. It was also kind of strange to hear myself ask for prayer... to admit to what I've been doing... In your face enemy. That's not quaint, but it's a definite feat. I want to rid myself of these "learned ways." I totally put it out there. Not to mention my small conversation with KJ. He started with the whole, "You hated me" gimmick... and grudges really suck when they're held against me. It bothered me, and I had no other time to say it, so I just said it. That I liked him from September until... I don't know... Early October? Something like that. I told him I was basically looking for a reason to not like him -- since I knew I wasn't harboring feelings that were not strickly platonic. I'm not ashamed... and I'm glad, because that means it all the past. That means I'm confident in my feelings for Jake. I know they are sincere. I sometimes don't think he gets that. Telling KJ was retardedly easy... it was so simple that I almost felt like I wasn't even talking about me. Until he inquired how long -- I really didn't want to worry about that, but it happens. So I told him the aforementioned... and he was like, "NO WAY." I definitely did not like him during homecoming. I remember that much. What does it matter? But ouch, he said he could tell. Hahah. But we're still not finished with that whole thing... he wants to speak more on the topic, but truly... when am I to talk to him again? I could call, but I ruled that out on Tuesday. I suppose the charm was in the music and the ease in talking to him. I think I'm really good at deliniating between admiration and ..."feelings," now. KJ was a big lesson... I just hope the boy understands... Dave told all of us who loved Helen to come up, I sprang to my feet, despite all of the recent notions I've been under about her. I do love her. I held her hand. I prayed. There were so many things going through my head. There was Dave going on the microphone. There were people surrounding me that were praying. That is probably my favorite... when we all just come up there. It's so endearing and it is so much love -- it's all God. It's so gracefully chaotic though -- that act of congregating is like poetry. It sends so many delightful shivers through my body. It's an overwhelming presence. He is everywhere. It's great. The mother one and I engaged in a tiff upon my arrival. It bothered me. She said I didn't deserve the money. Of course I don't. But it's not for me, it's for God. I thought she was kind of out of line... I just don't think she enjoys feeling... condemned. Granted, none of us do, but seriously, you don't speak that way to a daughter. Sheesh. She's so oblivious and unconcerned with my life that I cannot stand it. I just walked away. She followed and yelled things at me. There is no way to circumvent these rows. I hate them. I'll call Tim saturday. I have resolved. Or atleast by the end of the week. I'm busy. I called. I was going to write. I just went through a vivid flashback of my speaking with KJ -- and he said my not speaking to him for three months made him "feel like... poop." I didn't think it mattered so much. He apologized. Mehhh, I really mess things up sometimes, but I don't really know any other way to go about it. I get confused sometimes. I really didn't know that I would be able to make it through five months of Jake being forever away -- and I think I was trying grab onto what I would have. There I go again, setting myself up and phasing people out. I'm terrible. But I'm getting better. Perhaps. I make really uneducated and unmindful decisions and take action in the same manner. That just goes to show how lame I can be. That is me. Gosh. I still can't believe I told KJ. God really makes things possible. I just -- can't get over that sometimes. I like how it amazes me... how I am utterly stunned by how He moves and works in me. ME. A year ago I was... on my way. Year. Long. Wow. I can't believe I told Jake. Sometimes I wish I didn't. He seemed distant today. I didn't care for that much. But whatever. P.s. Before I left yesterday evening... Jake picked up his baby cousin and took her into the living room... it was precious -- my heart melted. ha. I'd love to see him with his own one day... that was so sweeeeeet. Aw. I didn't want to leave because I think I like how completely calm and engaging he can be with young ones. jfeiowajfieo. I also wanted to play with Suzanna. I did. She was so small. And she was very talkative. She didn't talk to me much, but she was very observant of me.