I feel, sometimes, that I take everything for granted... and at other times I truly cannot decipher if I take advantage of things to their best ability/potential. Am I supposed to? Jake asked me if I was going to follow him -- directly after blowing into my ear. Allegedly such action results in receiving person to follow administering winder blower where ever they tred. I think, perhaps, maybe I could, would... should? I have no idea. I really just want to pray all hours of the day to get everything flushed out and severely discharged -- let everything go. I feel sure that I haven't at all. I am aware since I had a panic attack today... I could barely listen to Jake talk about leaving. Leaving. Again. I don't understand. It's not that I don't understand his motive or desire to leave, but why I am so utterly inclined to miss him. It's a devastating feeling, sometimes. It tears my heart in what feels like two completely separate pieces... I feel like if he leaves for a year or whatever that I will have twice the pain. Twice the length. Twice the weird disconnected feeling. I totally pressed into God while he was gone, that is soooo great, but I don't think that him leaving will necessarily generate that again. I mean, I love how I am still growing and pressing and yearning to be closer and more intimate with my Father... but this desolate sort of lump... this pining... I hate it. I will not hold back on that one, because I have the truest disdain for it. It cannot be Godly -- I prayed so hard while he was gone, to not want him with me, to respect God's plans, to appreciate what he was doing. It's so incredible. It really is... and I know... that it may not really be where I am headed. We were talking on the trampoline as the sun gently fell from the sky... the dark blue met the great white light that divided it from the pink and orange stains that painted the sky... the moon was overhead with such a brilliant illumination... and he, for one moment, disappointed me. Now I have been under the impression that he has never disappointed me, despite what I have said, shown, or refused to say -- he is an amazing indiviual. But tonight I felt let down almost -- he said he wasn't sure that I not considering the possibility of him being "the one." Of course I am... it has actually been a foremost prevalent thought of late... Would I be with him? I don't think I understand dating so much... but I know I have something that I'm aiming for... the purpose of us. I really want to know what he's all about, know why I want to be with him... why I sometimes dream of us having a family... a house... a large dog and that absolutely ridiculous stare that married couples have. It's almost like an equal appreciation and adoration for one another... I guess I kind of want that? But why now? I love him. I wanted to tell him so many times... especially lying beneath those stars as he tried hard to put it into a comprehendable, cohesive kind of spiel... to tell me that he had thoughts of me doing a DTS... letting everything pan out to revolve around his path. It can't be like that. We've got to do what we've got to do... it hurts so terribly, though. I don't expect him to conform to please me... and I surely hope he was sincere when he basically reiterated the same basic principle. I'm here to please God. To love Him. To spread the gospel... and if France really gives me a heart for missions, so be it... otherwise, to VCU for me. I'm really impressed Jake confessed to such thoughts -- it's a big thing to do that, but completely impossible with out the bigger, greater God that we serve. He kind of had me stumble there in thought -- why I am here. Trick question? Probably not. It was for me... because other than that -- "To love Him more everyday"... how do I take action in that? What am I supposed to do? That... is my answer. yes, a question. Tonight at the door he said, "You have a lot of things to think about." Thank you, Jake... in the most pleasant way possible... because I wouldn't have HALF as much if we hadn't talked. That was a big talk... that was a huge talk. Very compressed and disrupted, but nonetheless addressed, at the very least. I don't know... maybe 18 will feel different? Maybe I'll suddenly mature over night. I hardly find it possible, but I want it. I want to just be at peace with everything... even the fact that I might not have him for another Christmas... ::sigh:: He's a great guy, but is this going to work? Am I strong enough? I think I still don't trust God as much as I want to... and that can be a really big problem. It's not that I don't trust Him, it's that I don't trust His children. That is sticky. It is. Meh, I think I want a stronger will... I'm finding I want to be around Jake MORE everyday. Stay focus, K. Rook. Stay focused. I hate cleaning bathrooms... well, four in two hours. Being with Mrs. Juda today was almost ridiculously hard. It's never been that bad. Ever. I think perhaps she is on edge due to Helen's leaving... about two days now... I still have to write her. Hm. I don't know how to feel. BUGS. Yep. This is more like a relationship journal... but then again, all I've been around lately is Jake. I probably should chill with that. I think I want to go to Biarritz. Unsolved mystery... I just know the last time I felt like this... I joined No Compromise. It's compelling. And only one thing can make me feel like that: The sweet sweet victory of Jesus. Ha. I feel like I've started writing for an audience. Banzai gave the tip off... I may have been discovered. My oh my... looks like I might be moving to LJ... or back to LJ? Pfffft.