He did it. He dropped the L-bomb. Out of nervousness, I laughed. Again. I do that. That's the first time. Hm. It was rushed. A little. He probably didn't feel comfortable. But hey, I did it once too. But I think I liked it. More to come. Okay. So I called Sarah to check up on Freedom House today... and it turns out I really left her hanging after NC practice on Monday. I initiated that whole conversation by apologizing for my bad attitude... so that was good. I admitted that I was in the wrong and I realized the repercussions of my choices and decision that were portrayed through my behavior. Sometimes I really suck, but she showed my grace and forgave, so that was pretty sweet. I think God gave me that timing... yay. So I was on the phone with Jake for a while this evening. I actually had no desire what so EVER to talk to him -- but I did. And I think I'm glad of it. I'm somewhat out of breath so I think I might try to add to this once more later. Blah, I really don't know any of the part that we learned on Monday. BOOOOO. Alright, I’ve returned with news and a vengeance. Not truly much of a vengeance, more of an understanding and a new sense of clarity since those four hours or so since I last spoke with Jake. It seems like Jake is one of those “when you need it” type of I-love-you-dropping sort of boys. And that’s good. I guess. No sense in overusing the phrase. Desensitizing. About that whole topic, one can be desensitized to words, phrases, and compliments... Then Jake comes back with, “Are you desensitized to God?” Nigga, please. Sorry. But truly, how do those small things compare to someone so great? True... God is all things good, I will grant Jake that, but God made those things, those things do not make God. I think that makes sense to me. I don’t know... if Jake were here, he might be able to tell me different through various styles of preaching methods. Sometimes, for him, that’s all I feel good for... as if I am merely a subject for him to test all of this knowledge and learned ways. I never want him to lose it – but does that warrant my “suffering” for the use of it? Burn. I was talking to Trey in the car today, divulging all of my favorite shows and such... and we hit Sex and the City. Yes, I confessed my secret obsession -- and it's mainly due to the fact that the problems and issues addressed (minus the whole sexual intercourse plot line) are so basic and applicable to the standard female of the 21st century. It's so very trueeeee! I love it. But anyhow, I am currently viewing it, and this Russian is very insistent upon Ms. Bradshaw accompanying him to Paris. PARIS. I'm going there this summer. It's hard to digest. It's also hard to think that I am actually in a relationship. Cold hard facts: I have been dating Jake for more than 10 months. I am going to France this summer for nearly two weeks. I will not be going to Biarritz. I wanted to go just to play with Jake and Anna, and possibly get to visit with July. I really miss my frenchies. I am very jealous of all girls. I don't want to be jealous of all girls. I don't think Jake should ever yield jealousy for males with whom I interact. I think Jake probably knows that I like him. A lot. I could probably tell him what makes him great. I don't ignore the negative. I talked to Andrew Parham today... which was weird. I like being able to admit when I am wrong. I ran out of facts, I ended up just recounting the events of today... bad times. "Nothing is ever one-sided." So apparently Jake was told that today... and I firmly believe that if something is heard more than once, the emphasis is on purpose. So I told him to really considerate it... He believed I was being spoken through. That was crazy. Then he thanked me... and I still cannot comprehend why. So I pointed out a simple phrase, what's the hype? He took it the worst possible way. What a silly. It could mean a lot of things. But of course, he had to pull a Kiera and receive the worst context. I feel awful sometimes, because with him, MAINLY with him... I zone. Oh it's so terrible, but that's only when I'm not being spoken to, just spoken at. Hate it. Loathe it. Yayyyyy. I'm way tired But the show... it's terrible. She goes to Paris with the Russian... and it ends up in an awful mess. Then Big comes because he wants her back. They find each other. And that's it. The new flame ignites the old. That is why I refuse to go with Jake. Unless we were married. And that is not so much an option. boooooooo. I don't want to commit to a place with a person for GOD unless I am committed (legally) to that person and sure I was called by God. Believe it. Mrs. Juda. Goodness. "Maybe you should save that money for another trip!" Pshhhahhh. We'll see what happens in France. Hopefully AJC will open my eyes... maybe. it will. I'm ready.