So last night was bad.. well it was good.. James is soo funny, and Brittany is really nice. andi was being mean to Trav and seh was being mean to James all at teh same time.. and if i wasnt so sick it woudl avhe been a blast. but there food came and i had to look away, b/c i felt like i was goin to throw up. but it was all together fun..we said it was James;s birthday.. and haa. well i went to bed at 9 last night.. b/c i felt so bad i couldnt stand.. and when i woke up this morning iwas soo dizy but i made myself eat.. and now i feel better!! but i still dont want to go to school b/c i need today.. These past to days have been wierdly awsome. like i feel so good, me and Travis are awsome, I love my friends, and my family. I wastn ready to go back to school, to drama, to worrying today. I spend i good deal of time worrybign about karen.. b.c i love taht girl and she helps me so much.. i want to do the same for her.. but i feel inable to help her. and taht makes me mad b.c i ahve done what she is doin except instead of drinking.. i smoked..but i still cut.. and i want to help her stop, but i cant. And people think she needs to go to a counsler but thats the worst thing.. U have to sort through these things alone.. and it just takes time.. adn i have no problem giving other poeple time... Time for karen scares me for some reason...i think its b/c out friendship as a limit.. b./c she is a year older then me and she is leavin after next year.. and i want the old karen back b4 then. I worry b/c Megan her Best friend doesnt understand... and is making her feel worse about herself rather then helping her. and i shouildnt say taht b/c its ahrd to help and not judge.. and i love megan. but it still worries me for Karen sake taht they are having problems. This year isnt over but i already no that i changed...Im happy, i no illnever feel happy all over b/c i will always ahve the burden of my dad. which is always there. i never really let on to how bad it makes me feel.. but it makes me feel pretty bad.. all the time its always on my mind.. it never realy goes away. this year i have gotten myself into a relationship i like, and im finally growign and learning to forget my past, and get over my dad, b/c i LOVE my grandpa and i no he loves me.. and thats just as good as my dad.. kinda. I have these friend that i never ever i want to think about leaving.. they help me soomuch.. i have never had people that just call me and i just call them and i automatically feel better. i Hate talking on the fon, but i love calling them and gettign there calls. I have never had really good close friends, until now.. b/c they made me relize taht the one person i thought i realy had.. i dont.. i mean i ahve them but not how i thought i did.. and i think i found that yesterday.. and it makes me sad. but they are also in my past.. Me and my mom were talking about college two days ago.. and i need to bring my grades up and i need to do somethign b.c i need money to go to colorado.. but i no everyone says there leaving now.. but i ahve a feeling a lot people wong. I could always go to Mizzou b/c ill feel safe. and ill no people and it will b comfortable.. but then whenits time to leave taht.. and completely b on my own.. i wont have the experiance of goint somewhere and knowing no one.. you no?? my mom asked she likes ur not goin with ne of ur friends.. and i think if go to college with them it will b easier to stay in touch later on. but the ? remains will i regret not stay here and being able to see people.. or will i reget giving up my dream and not goin to colorado?? As of today im moving on.. i wan to have the option of goin to colorado or Mizzou.. **good grades **dont take my friends for granite..try to keep them close and not fall into being the old me ** spend more time with nmy family.. ** keep my relationship with Trav strong! Yesterday when Trav came in and i intorduced everyone it was amazign all the people that eh ahdnt met that mattered were in the same place. and when i intorduced Patrick it was right after kory and b4 tricia and i was like this is kory's significant other.oops i mean friend. tricia goes ya im kory's wife.. me and patrick get along.. and he Patric was liek ya shes our significant other. B4 Trav got there they were all liek mm how old is he.. they all cared even Patric he started it.. and kory;s like if he honks and doesnt come out then im gunna punch him.. and Patric is liek nwo they have cell fons and hell just call and say he is outside.. adn sure enough that ios waht he did.. and Patric iwas like should i go with u... i was like yes i have always wanted u to chaparone my date.. Patric is a dumbass hes dumber and less responsible then i am!! but i loved and i we pulled away u could see in the window toward the dinning room i just stared through the window.. that image will never leave my mind.. i wish i had a camera and i could have captured it.. it was amazing.. from today on its a new me.. im taking my glasses off and throwing away these past few weeks and puttin my contact in!! read catalyst.. its good!! this is realy long.. my longets one with out lyrics. i needed today