So, i've been out of it.

So what?

I've got alot in my head that's twisting and distorting and all i want is to fix it. But the best way for me to do that is to go home and spend time with the people that can help me do that. The only people that really know what's going on. Facebook is my enemy, it makes me homesick and hopeful and then i pull away and see what i have and i want to cry. I can't talk to Evan about it because he gets upset and once he's upset it doesn't matter what i say or what i'm trying to tell him because he blows up in my face, So that he's upset with me because i'm upset. i don't expel everything i needed too and that me more upset that before. At least James lets me rant and lets me think that he actually thinks it's interesting. i tell Evan and all i get is, "you're so silly and cute" like i didn't say a word!

one problem with men is i've always felt that i'm a doll for them to play with. to pick up and handle, but what i find charming and real, is when they treat me like a woman. Previous boyfriends had made me feel like wind-ups with limited actions, or pull strings with limited words, now i feel like the collector's addition, put me in the case and look at me. But i don't want to be a doll at all. I partly want to go home so that i can be free again.

What does it mean to be mature? to be responsible? that doesn't seem to fit. What am i doing here? i don't belong here.