Okay, so things with me and tc are good. But a lot of times, i think about the future and i'm not sure that i want him in my future. And it kinda scares me because 1.)i love him a lot, and i'm not sure how i would get over that 2.)my future, college, career..is just around the corner, it's not going to be long.

Sometimes when we talk about the future, what he wants isnt what i want. He wants a small house in the country. He wants a job but he doesn't want a business job. He doesn't even really know what he does what. He told me maybe he'll go to college and get certified to work on cars or in agriculture. He doesnt want to make a lot of money, just enough to be comfortable.

I want the opposite. I want a nice house in a neighborhood with neighbors. I know exactly where i want to go in my life. I want to make a lot of money and be more than comfortable. I want nice things, not just the okay things. I want to drive a nice car, have nice clothes.

We clash in a lot of things. And I get fed up with him a lot.

First is the sex thing. It's the biggest thing and everytime he brings it up or even jokes about it i just want to leave and not be around him. I like having sex, but not like him. He'd like to have sex everyday 2 times a day if he could. I'd rather not do that. And his excuse is that it's semi-new to him and he likes to do new things a lot. Me? I mean, i do like to have sex, but i like have it when i want to have it, when i'm really horny and can get into it. Half the time i just have sex with him to make him happy because he gets really mad at me when i don't want to do it. When his mom let's him drive the car he expects me to meet him at school early so we can have sex in the back of his car. If his parents go out of town or if my mom isnt going to be home he expects me to do something to get together with him so we can have sex. And if i don't i "don't care" or i "never try to get us together". And sometimes he says we won't even have sex, but we always do because he can't keep his hands off of me and just touching me literally makes his dick hard as rock. He thinks i don't like to have sex and that it makes him think something is wrong with him, but it's not him. I just am not the "sex all the time" person. There are better things to do in life that do sex all the time. I just don't understand. It really makes me mad too! Half the time i feel like all he wants from me is to have sex. To get him off. And even when were not having sex he's wanting to touch me and finger me. I mean, in my car! To me, I think it's really disgusting. He thinks we can get away with that everywhere we are, and we probably could, but it's nasty to do it in public i think. There's just so much i think about this subject, and it just really makes me mad.

Second is hanging out with him. He gets really mad at me when i can't do things with him. Like usually, my mom won't let me, and before? He understood that, but now he takes it out on me and blames me because I can't lie and come see him or something. We hang out before school, a little bit after school, and usually on weekends. To me? That's enough, I mean, i love the time we spend together and when we can't hang out, I'm usually okay with that, but he gets furious with me. Like furious like he breaks things. For example. Since a few months ago, I've actually already had on my calendar to go to the WSPD christmas party Tuesday night. I feel like i'm obligated to go beacuse i am like the one of the older ones in that group. I'm supposed to be the example, and be there for them. Uphold my place there. Well, i told tc i'd hang out with his family and his nana for a christmas dinner sometime this break and just so happens, his nana wants to do dinner tuesday night. I tell him i can't make it. I already have plans. He is pissed off at me now. He cancels things for me all the time and always comes to see me but i can't cancel things for him, and i never make an effort to come see him ever. And that's not true. I am with him when ican, and when i can't, i'm not. And i'm not going to be irresponsible and blow my friends off for him when i've had this planned for quite some while, i just can't. So he's threatened me a couple of things. First, if i dont come over while his parents are out of town during break, hes not going to forget about tuesday night. Second, hes going to put in just as much "effort" as i do so we will never hang out. When i ask him to do something he's going to be busy....It's just so annoying. So he calls me to threaten me this then he says well i'll talk to you tonight bye, and hangs up all fast. He does that all the time. Tries to be the first to hang up or something. He's 18, and he's still really immature. He needs to grow up - a lot. Not just a little. Right now, i really don't even want to talk to him. I don't want to call him tonight for bed or see him at all. I don't like to be threatened like that. He's not being fair to me.

I do love him, and i really put up with a lot from him. His temper? When he gets mad he cusses and yells at me in public, hits things, calls me horrible names. And i just put up with it. I know i dont want to be with him forever. He's not good for me. But i'm kind of afraid to be single. And if we broke up i'm not sure what would happen. I mean, we do so much together, i'd have like no life. School would be awkward as crap and if i saw him with another girl it'd break my heart. I love him a lot, i just don't know what to do about things. I think i've caused a lot of it. I'm actually really selfish when it comes to being with him and sometimes i'm the one that makes him cancel things. But he could not do things for me. And sometimes i make certain things clear that i wouldn't want to live by if it were me, and its really come back on me. Now that i know that i'm his and he's mine i dont worry about a lot of things or make me talk to me 24/7 andi 'm not as jealous. But now he thinks those rules apply to me now too. Like my birthday dinner? It's traditional that my mom and i go to Olive Garden for dinner after school. But tc got so mad that i wouldnt cancel things with my mom for him and said i wouldnt let him take me out, but thats not true. I'm not going to blow my mom off. He's just not as responsible as me. I keep my word and i do things people want. But he will blow anyone off for me blah blah.

Sometimes i wish we werent this attached. It'd be a lot easier.

Sigh, :( i'm so sad about things right now, i just want them to be better, not tense. I feel like i walk on fragile ice on a lake when i'm with him. Half the time i end up "falling through" because i don't do things right for him. I don't make enough effort to be with him, etc. I don't know what to do. It's so complicated.

:(

311.) Penguin :)