Pierrot: noun; formerly, a stock character in French pantomimes, wearing white pantaloons and a loose white jacket with big buttons. They are a sad people, I think. Though they are the characters that most make people laugh in those old skits. But does the audience ever wonder who the person is behind the mask? I know that in theatre you're supposed to suspend your reality and get lost in the production - but as I watched this old movie on Bravo, I couldn't help but wonder ... who is the person behind the mask? What are they truly feeling? What sort of Pierrot would I be if it was me behind the mask? I'm enjoying my swinging chair much. Very much. Woke up around 5 AM again with that immense feeling of starving...ness, so I make a pot of coffee (first coffee I've had in months; I've been craving) and I go out to sit in my swing and watch the sun come up. I love the way a cool spring morning smells and feels. So I just sat outside, swinging away, sipping on coffee. I saw a ruby-throat this morning. I love my hummingbirds. It made me smile. I think the kolibri is one a spirit animal. I know the red-tailed hawk is - but I've been dreaming about hummingbirds and seeing them more often recently. All in all, it was a peaceful morning. I kept going back for coffee and just swung all morning. I don't know exactly how long I was out there, just watching the sky and the birds, smelling the air. I love having a corner apartment. David came out once, wanted to know what I was doing up so early. You know, I think I'm immune to caffeine now - I hadn't really HAD any caffeine - intensely - for about a month. I had that coffee - Millstone (the best in the world, in my humble opinion) - and I knew it wasn't decaf, yet it still had no effect on me whatsoever. Go figure. I fell asleep in my chair - When I woke up, it was cloudy and I had the couch's quilt over me. My guess is that David came out again and put that on. I eventually went back inside because it started getting a little warm outside. Now, it's over 80 degrees and cloudy - and I can't take it. 80 degrees is hot for me. I want to go somewhere else that's cooler - with rain. I want it to rain. THE SKIES ARE TEASING ME TODAY! Damn them. David's gone again. He went somewhere - I don't know where, but he has work tonight, so I guess he had to run some errands before he went. And, uhm ... I snuck out again. Just a ways down the street to the gas station. Got myself a pack of cloves (since David still hasn't given me back my old pack) and I thought I'd try some of this Dr Pepper red fusion stuff. It's pretty good. I don't really like cherries too much, though - but this stuff's actually not too bad. Did you ever notice that there's no period after the Dr in Dr Pepper? It's true. There is one after the Pepper though. How odd is this? Dr is an abbreviation. It's SUPPOSED to have a period ... right? See? This is exactly the reason why America's youth can't spell or use correct grammar - because the things they eat and drink promote bad English - like "kool" and "lite" and Mello Yello and Dr Pepper. Stupid marketing. Damn them all. So, anyway, I walk in, get my stuff, go to the counter to get my cloves and it's Jeff! I thought he was working the night shift, guess not anymore. I was greeted with a "Hey! It's Baxter." Ah, yes, I think it's the only person in my listening audience aside from friends and David who actually knows what I look like in real life. And I'd like to take this oppotunity to say that William Kuehn is a very beautiful and talented man. (Drummer for Rainer Maria. In fact, all three of them are beautiful and talented people. I WILL see them perform live one day. Oh yes, I will. "Rainer Maria keeps getting better at its gender-fluid, psychoanalytic rock ..." - New York Times. I like them. Check out their site at www.rainermaria.com - and check out the video for "Ears Ring" - go to mtv.com and download it so the fuckers will play this great music on the AIR. I hate MTV, too. If you like what you hear, buy the album "Long Knives Drawn" for it kicks some major ass.) Yeah well ... I don't know really what else to write about right now so I guess I'll move on to the dreams I had last night. Well, uhm - hrm. I don't remember much. I don't even really remember what goes in what dream or in what order it happened, but I can try my best. I remember something about going through this garden with Evan - it's more like a courtyard for this large mansion - it could be that boarding school again. I'm not sure. But I know that a lot of people are there. And this garden is very colorful - and there's this man-made but beautiful stream that flows through it, with many different-colored and species of fish. I have to catch one for ... some reason - something about having my own fish in the aquarium inside - it's an acceptance thing, I think. Evan fills this plasic bag with water and I kneel down next to the stream - and I watch all of these different colors just go swimming by, all these beautiful pebbles on the bottom ... and I reach in ... and I catch this beautiful red double-tail betta and put it in the bag. Evan twists the bag closed and we both stand - and I'm thinking ... any fish I wanted - it had to be the one that came to me. I wasn't allowed to hunt for it, I had to put my hand in the water and it had to be the fish that came to it ... and it just had to be a fish that does best on its own - and doesn't really work well in groups - that's why they're called "Japanese fighting fish" ... And I was going to put this in with all of those other fish? Bettas only get along with certain other species ... Evan hands me the bag and I stare at the fish all the way back to the mansion/school. I don't know what to think of anything. I don't really want to put it in the aquarium; I'd much rather keep it for myself. Does this hole some sort of deep-seeded fear of crowds? Insecurity of being placed with others, afraid I won't fit in and only cause trouble? Evan and I go into the place and I walk for a while, going up some stairs, rounding a lot of corners, until I come into this room that is a little dark, but lit by all of these different aquariums - they're all lit by a different-colored light or have different backgrounds or something ... and there's a lady there, I can't remember what she looked like, but she takes my fish and is going to put it into one of the aquariums ... but then I'm distracted by something, and I don't remember what, nor do I remember if she put the fish in the tank or even if the fish got along with the others if she did. Another part of a dream that I remember is from my third eye's point of view - the omniscient one again. I see the French president - only, it's not Jeac, it's a different person, and he has a dark-haired daughter with a ... scarf? She's older, maybe mid-twenties. She's supposed to go into space - like, on a shuttle mission - and she's going somewhere with her father. They're surrounded by body guards and people. I feel like she's supposed to be something great, something big - become an important figure ... But suddenly, she gets shot in the stomach - she falls, and people start to crowd around her while a few bodyguards go off to find the one who shot her. She's on the floor and people are circled around her, her father is holding her while someone else is yelling for help. And somehow, there's like this hole in the circle just for me - and I'm there, I lower down close to this girl's face ... And it's like she can see me - she stares right at me. I don't understand French, but it was like our minds were linked then, like I could understand her - she was thinking "It's you" like she was relieved to see me, or happy to. And I give her a smile. And she smiles, too, despite the pain she's in and the possibility that she might be dying. Her father is crying now; the French President is crying. But it's like everything's closed off to her - she wants to know if she's dying. I tell her that she's destined to do great things, and to hold on for her father's sake. The fact that she's destined to do great things should be enough to say that she's not dying - though she would come close to it, and everyone would be scared for her for a long while. I touch her brow, as if to brush some sweat from it as she smiles at me again, as if I'm really there. And that's all I remember regarding her. I remember something about a choir, and being forced from one room to another, getting lost for a moment, then being pulled toward strange rooms again ... there's lots of people there ... but I'm alone ... ... no Evan. I was confused, lost, and scared ... And that's all I remember ... "Come play my game - Inhale, inhale, you're the victim! Come play my game - Exhale, exhale, exhale!" - Prodigy, "Breathe" ... I feel like I haven't heard that song in forever ... but it was in that dream - the one where I'm forced from one room to another. I should probably go now ... stop writing and whatnot - I'm sure there's something I need to do somewhere ... like, make food or do laundry or something. Blessed be