I want to write an entry. But I don't know where to begin. I'm going to die. At least, I feel that way. Around 7 o'clock this morning, I had a panic attack. Everything is catching up with me. Work, school, health, friends, stress. I don't know how much more of it I can take. I just want it to end. Maybe not die, but close myself off for a while. Lock myself in my room and waste away for a few days ... with no worries, no school no work, no nothing - But I can't do that. Because then I'll start to worry about my friends ... and how are they fending without me? Because I carry the whole fucking world on my shoulder. I had a talk with David today about that. He finally called me out on something I already knew ... only he did it a bit more harshly than I would have done it to myself. Said I have to stop fucking doing everything for everyone ... especially the whole ordeal between Kelley and Brad. Said that I can't fix all of their problems. Said that I'm trying to do everything for everyone else and that I rarely ever do anything for myself except make the occasional pot of tea only for me - but that's because no one else in the apartment will drink it. I can't carry the world anymore. I have to help Seth for a while. Oh, if only David knew the half of it. It's frightening. I'm the person that friends come to when they want to just spill everything, like a confidant, someone they know they can trust to talk about anything, and I offer an ear and sometimes some advice to help them. But the scary thing is ... I don't have someone that I can talk to ... To tell everything to. My lovely, yes ... but I can't talk to her about HER - because yes, as much as I love and adore and worship and cherish her, I can't talk to her about how some of her habits bother me ... because it's just being redundant ... she knows her problems already, she doesn't need me pointing them out when they bother me. She knows they bother me, too. So what's the point? Just scary that I don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff. I'm doing Stackers again. Because I feel dead and I need energy. My life is too busy, too on-the-go for me to do it on my own. I'm not Super Seth, you know. I can't save the world. I know I shouldn't do them ... and I'll try to stop ... for my lovely, but ... right now I feel like I need them ... at least until my life gets together. But I'll try to stop. For her. Because I love her. And ... I swear ... I have no idea what my life would be like without her. I can't imagine what it would be like right now without her. She may not realize it, but she's impacted my life so much, in so many different areas, that I can't even list them. She's a strength to me. No matter what anyone else says, she is a strength to me. No matter how unstable she thinks she is, or how many problems she has or how shaking her ground may seem ... she is my rock. And I need her. And I couldn't picture what life would be like without her. If something was to happen to her. And every time I actually do think about it, it rips a hole in my soul, almost like she isn't there anymore ... and I lose the ground beneath me, and I'll start to drown ... because my rock would be gone. Or maybe I'm just scared of swimming by myself, fending for myself. Maybe I latch onto her and need her so badly because she keeps claiming she can take care of herself, where I ... I am just a fucking puppet to anyone and everyone else in this world. But not her. And that's why she is my rock. I want to be with her. But so often, I'm afraid, that ... that may never happen. But, my mother used to tell me, that if I wished badly enough, it would happen. And believe me. I'm wishing awful bad right now. I need to be held right now. I do. But there's no one around to hold me. So ... I'm just going to go home ... and bead a while ... then hug a pillow until the wee hours of the morning when David gets in. Maybe I'll e-mail Sarah ... ask her what she's doing for Samhain ...