I slept. I had a dream. I'm sitting at the kitchen table; there's food set before me, but I don't want to eat. I feel like I should because I know I haven't for a few days, but I don't want to. Evan's around the corner in the actual kitchen, cleaning up, I think. But I'm just staring at the plate. I don't remember what's on it - it's not important anyway. I realize I'm dreaming, I know I'm dreaming - and immediately I start to think about events that happened this afternoon ... and it fills me with so much insecurity, self-doubt, and sadness, that I just breakdown and cry. Outside, the sky goes completely dark and it gets windy - it's like ... a storm in the middle of emptiness, reflecting my feelings perfectly. And you would think that Evan would say something or try something to make me stop crying - but no. He doesn't even come around the corner. So I just throw the plate onto the floor out of ... I don't know what. It doesn't break, the food doesn't even spill - and that just makes me cry even harder. I can't do anything, I can't even break a simple dinner plate. But it was enough to catch Evan's attention because he looks around the corner at me,reddish-blond hair and everything. He aske me what's wrong, and I tell him. I tell him Everything. And it's like he knows that I'm lucid, but he doesn't say anything - no words of comfort, nothing. He just lets me talk on. So I do. I tell him about how I want to help everyone, about how I just wanted -her- to smile. But it was like she didn't want to. I tell her over and over again that I love her, but now it's as if she doesn't believe me. It used to bring a smile to her face, often accompanied by an "I love you, too" and sometimes a kiss or a hug. But now it will go unnoticed, unacknowledged; occasionally, she'll say it back, but lately, I get things like "you keep saying that" or "so you say." It's like she doesn't believe me. And I wonder ... am I saying it too much? Have I worn out those three words that are supposed to mean so much? I tell him about how stupid I am, That I could ever connect to someone like that. How stupid I am to have thought to bring her here; stupid of me to have ever thought, believed, or hoped that we could ever live together as one happy family. Stupid of me. Stupid of me. Stupid of me to think that I could ever mean anything to someone like that. She has her own problems to deal with, she doesn't need to hear about mine. Everything was fine between us until I started talking about myself - everything was fine with me just listening to her; she didn't need to hear about me; no one needs to hear about me. No one believes me anyway. That was another thing I told Evan. I connected with someone so well, I told her everything ... but now I wonder, if she questions the words "I love you" from me,, if she has to try to believe me when I say it ... the does she believe me at all? I tell him about how afraid I am - afraid of being alone, afraid of losing everyone. And lately, I feel as if everyone is slipping away. Friends lying to me, moving away, going to jail, getting married .. it's like I'm slowly fading out of the picture, slowly fading out of everyone's life. It was stupid of me to think that I could every actually make a difference. Stupid of me to think that I could every make anyone happy. Stupid of me to think that anti-depressants would actually work. Studif of me to ever have any sort of faith or hope in someone who doesn't even want it. Stupid of me to have hope at all. Hope seems to do nothing but break hearts and crush spirits. I tried making her happy, I honestly did. But even now, I know that I can't. I just can't make her happy anymore. She even told me herself that there was nothing I could do. So why should I even try? People flock to me, ues, I don't know why - maybe because I'm a nice, kind person? Maybe because I listen to them? A people-pleaser? In any case, when they start to actually get to know me, they go away after a while. So, maybe to keep their company now, I stray from talking about myself. Now I make an unconscious effort to bring conversation back to them instead of me - because I don't want them to find out about me. Because I'm afraid they'll leave. And I'm afraid -she- will leave me. Just like everyone does. I promised her that I would never leave her, but I think that she wants to leave me. I think she's actually trying to push me away. And I know that, technically, she was never physically there, but I do love her. I love her more deeply than she could ever understand ... and it's killing me to know that she questions my "I love you's." I tell Evan how I've wanted more than anything to go to her, to be with her these last few weeks - even if it was just for a 'hello' or a wave ... but anything and everything keeps me from her. and soon, she tells me, she's leaving ... and there will be this vast, empty hole in my life where she was. It's at that moment that Evan calls for Risa ... my kitten ... my kitten that never fails to make me smile ... And I tell him not to bother ... she won't come. She won't come because she's not real - just like none of this is real - just like he's not real. He tells me that he is real, tells me that he loves me. I tell him that he doesn't. That's he's just a dream - a fabrication. He only loves me because I want him to love me. He's everything I want, everything I need - he takes care of me and he loves me, unconditionally - he can't be real. He's everything I ever wanted, a dream of what I want, what I need, what I long for and desire most in my life ... and all that's just a dream. He's not real. And suddenly ... he's not at the corner anymore. He's gone. And I'm alone, sitting at the table, crying ... ... because I am alone. I am alone. I woke up crying. I'm still crying. Because I am ... alone.