I had her number in my right hand. A cell phone in my left. ... but I couldn't do it. The more I thought on it, the more afraid I became. What if I didn't sound like she expected me to sound? What if that one little voice, to say that one little line - what if that wasn't enough? What if, when I called, I choked? I couldn't do it. I can't do it. I just ... can't use the phone. I'm sorry. I'm working on it. I'm trying to gather the strength and courage to make the phone call. But the more I think, the more afraid I become. It's not every day that I have this opportunity - with a willing cell phone, with unlimited nights and weekends ... nation-wide calling ... so willingly given to me to make one little phone call ... And I just couldn't do it. I just can't do it. Because the more I think on it, the more I go over it in my head, the more I rehearse - the more terrified I become. As if I wasn't afraid of the phone enough already ... now I'm terrified. I blame my self-doubt. Maybe I'm just under too much pressure - a phone call, a simple "hello" phone call ... it should not carry this much anxiety. Melissa tells me I'll be okay, that everything will be fine - that I can use her cell phone to call her another time, when I'm calmer, when I've worked up enough confidence and nerve. But I'm afraid there won't be another time. It's different, when I'm on the radio ... because there, I'm Baxter. A totally different persona, and people are none the wiser. I can be me, without being me - I can be a real cool guy - because things are scripted, some things are rehearsed and routine and ... it's just different - it's like the stage, only behind the microphone - away from prying eyes. That person is talking, and it's not really you - but in a sense, it is you. So ... I ... apologize, that I can't make this phone call. Not right now. David has the phone guarded, regardless, at home. If I dialed out from that phone, David would know. If I received a call, David would know. If I used his cell phone, David would know ... and I would be in trouble. I have a curfew again ... because ... Paul is back in my life. This should, in itself, explain the phone dilemma. Maybe ... to an extent. The other half of it is me ... all me. Because I'm a coward. Because I actually have a phobia of phones when I'm not working the station - when I'm not in that persona ... But yes ... Paul is back. There have been ground rules laid related to interaction with him. I don't want to get into this now. I just can't. ... I can't. I can't do anything. Because I'm a meek and feeble person. I don't see how anyone can like me, let alone love me. I would think that people feign liking me because they really pity me. I don't blame them. I know I'm pathetic. ... and now I'm going to get to rehearsal early and plot ways to avoid Paul for the next three days. Afraid he might stop by the apartment ... when I'm alone ...