Forever is a long time. I fell in love. The heart has no control over what it decides to love, it simply … does. It simply … is. I’ve been … bad, this past week. Not bad as if in “Seth’s been a bad boy” but bad as if in … life has been completely … horrible. Monday I went to the doctor’s – because I’m sick, and my lovely talked me into it. Had blood drawn and a CAT scan. Had some shots and an IV to clear up the build up in my lungs. Doctor was concerned that I might have this Meningitis Crypt-stuff – I think you get it from playing in dirt. I found out Tuesday that a very good friend of mine is HIV positive. I did not know this. I always imagined her being around forever, you know? Growing old to be this major civil rights leader … I never imagined her having to go through this. Apparently, she contracted it when she was thirteen – when she shared a knife during cutting. Yes, she used to cut. The girl she used to cut with committed suicide. She didn’t find out until she was sixteen, though, that she was HIV positive. She’s going through this government program, though – it’s a research study thing that is testing a new drug. She gets paid for doing this plus she gets her drug cocktail for free – as well as any shots or special treatment she needs. Her parents … don’t even know that she’s been diagnosed with HIV. It’s just … devastating to learn something like this. Such a good friend, who you always thought was going to be there – a new and totally amazing friend that you felt like you’ve known for so long and have grown so attached and close to – and you realize … she’s not going to always be there … So you will have to be there for her. This … has been my week. I didn’t know if I was going to make it through. Yesterday, I got the results of my CAT scan back. Disc is pressing against my spinal cord, fluid is building up, applying pressure. Going to have to have surgery, regardless of what this Monday’s MRI says – yes, I’m getting an MRI on Monday. I don’t think … that people realize just how afraid I am … of having surgery. They’re going to put me to sleep … and they’re going to cut me up. No one is going to be there to hold my hand as they put me to sleep. They keep telling me everything is going to be all right, that I’ll be okay – but that doesn’t stop me from being scared, and it doesn’t change the fact that no one’s going to be there to hold my hand. My cat has been lonely. He’s sitting here, in the computer lab with me. I feel bad … because he’s been alone in the apartment. People are hardly there anymore. And right now, he’s curled up on my shoes by my feet … I love my cat. I’ve missed him. He came to me – a stray … and I love him dearly. He had a lung problem a couple summers ago. Cost a lot of money to heal him, but he’s mostly recovered. Yes, he’s not as healthy as he used to be, but he’s still my magical Mr. Mistoffelees. Lee for short. Aww – he’s snoring. Anyway … I’m sure … that everyone out there has been so curious as to know what’s been going on in my life. This entry … is the extremely watered-down version of what I wrote in my notebook this past week, since the site has been down … Yes, a lot has happened. And yes, I do feel very devastated … and yes, I feel like I’m going to die, even though I know I’m not going to, that doesn’t stop me from feeling like I am. Yes, my life is shit right now. And to top everything off, my lovely is upset with me. Life is just fucking peachy. Life sucks. And people suck. They suck balls. I hate people. In fact, I hate most everything and everyone right now … except for those I love. Lee included. Going to go … sleep for a while …