Since I started this journal, I have never really been able to say exactly what I want to say about Jared and me. I tell a little here and there...but a few people on my buddy list would 1) find it very offensive to read what I feel or 2) never speak to me again. I love each and every one of them with all of my heart, but some feelings are just best kept away from the ones who know you. I would make my journal private, but really what is the point in having a journal on the internet, no less, that no one can read...not even strangers. And it always is good to get a point of view from an outside source ... right? When Jared first left, I thought I could handle anything and everything the Lord handed me. Mind over matter, right? Not so much anymore. I look years older than I did a year and a half ago...and that isn't the way aging is supposed to work! I handled every little problem and tried to do in a respectful way. Then I turned into this big bitch that hated everything and everybody. At first, I wanted to be nice and polite and smile and "work as a family"...with people who WEREN'T my family. And then I wanted to fight them and beat them all up! Neither way worked... So I decided to say "Screw it" and do things MY WAY... this way is working for me... But now I find myself having to deal with Jared being gone. It's a lot harder on me NOW than it ever has been. I wonder if he is the one for me and if maybe God is telling me to move on. I have tried a few things to figure out if Jared and I are supposed to be together...dating, see a psychic, talking to other people...and I can't ever get him off my mind. And it sucks. To want someone so bad and not be able to have them. It sucks. I just saw him on Sunday. And everything I have done and said, I have also told Jared. I have been totally honest with him and he knows everything that has gone on in the past year and a half. At our visit we walked together and held hands at the same time...side by side...and it felt SO GOOD. I don't think I have felt anything so good since I held Levi for the first time...... And it was great. And I knew. B