tonight really kinda sux. I think I really have problems. I have never ever ever really been able to describe to someone else how I really feel...one word wraps it up for me .... DOWN. And tonight that isn't enough. I wonder why I even ever give this thing the time of day... maybe because I know that one day I will be courageous enough to write about how I REALLY feel. Instead of ignoring it. I miss Jared. I love him and hate him all at once. And I didn't know that was possible for someone to do until he wasn't sleeping next to me anymore. Tonight I watched Levi play and wanted to cry because I wondered if he even knew who Jared was...and if Jared knew the little things that he does. If it weren't for me TELLING him that he does these things...Jared would never know. Levi clams up when we go visit...he doesn't do the little things that he does...the little things. The other day...after our visit...My mom asked Levi if he went to see his daddy. And Levi said "Yes". And she asked him if that made him happy. And he said "No talk". My mom asked "You don't want to talk??? Why not?" And he said "I don't want talk, Gramma!" And my mom turned to me and said "He clams up when you talk about Jared..." And I said "I know". I know. This kid is not even three and he doesn't like to talk about his dad???!!! WTF? Sometimes Levi will look at the pictures of his dad and say "I miss daddy...". And then he pouts...like he is angry. PLAIN AS DAY I try to talk to him about it...but he's three! All he understands is that he is mad and doesn't know why. It bugs me. I had a dream last night that Jared came home and he was wearing Pink Lace PJ's and we were going out to a club and we were kissing and enjoying our time together. And then I woke up and it pissed me off to no end that I wasn't kissing him in real life. I could not care less about him wearing Pink Lace PJ's...I just wanted to be here with him and kissing him. The way I want to kiss him. Not with some Jamaican-American telling me "Yua toooo kloze nouw! Yua neeeed ta sipareght!" Yeah...what she said... (hold on while I rip my Jaw off) EDIT: My entry got interupted because my dad broke down and I had to go get him...so on and on again I go...with bubbles from my soap box..... Jared isn't the only reason why I get like this... I want my own place again. I'm in debt and I can't get enough money saved up to pay off this $3,000 eviction on my record so I COULD get my own place again. AND I KNOW it's ONLY 3 grand...and I am THANKFUL! Most people are in debt 10 times that! Which makes it even more sad that I can't come up with the money to clean my credit up... oh well, theres always next year.... I can't have things my way and I am throwing a hissey fit. K I'm done...someone else can soap it up now... B