So not only did my day suck but now I have this song stuck in my head. And it's not like one of those Chumbawumba songs... it's one of those songs that makes you sad when you hear it. So yeah...I am sad now. Have been all day. Because of a stupid song. And it's not even a GOOD song. It's "I miss you" by Blink 182. I am almost ashamed to admit that. (hmph) So I went to go see Jared today. Sometimes I swear that if I NEVER see another prison again... even IF he is still locked up ... it won't be too soon. I just want to walk away sometimes. And it's not even totally because of HIM. It's because of all this stress. Levi is sooooo stressing me out! And I feel like I just want to run away. From it all. And I remember feeling like this one other time when he was first born and that was right around his first surgery. I didn't know what to do. Except this time I am by myself and I don't have Jared to lean on. And it sucks. His response: "Ask Samantha to take him for a little while so you can go do stuff." Yeah RIGHT! I am NOT going to ask his sister to take our son so I can go and catch up on sleep. She's an 18 year old girl and the LAST thing she needs is me pawning my kid off on her. His next response: "No one else will take him?" Sure...Sandy will. And then she'll BITCH about it for 4 weeks straight. She'll bitch to the point to where you want to cut her fucking brake lines in her car!!!!!!! SO YOU NEVER HAVE TO HEAR HER BITCH AGAIN! And the last thing I need right now is to go to jail. And along with her bitching, she doesn't bathe him, brush his teeth or feed him the proper way. She lets him fall asleep late afternoon so he is up all night. (And then bitches about how late he stays up!) So I avoid the situation. His third response: "Then just stop coming up here!" And I SHOULD HAVE ran with it. Sometimes I feel like this whole thing is for nothing. ONE minute we are perfect and the next I fucking hate him for making me deal with this shit all by myself. He asked me today if I wanted to find "someone else" to help me with the baby. Meaning: another man, a boyfriend. My response: "Who the fuck is going to want to watch over and help me with YOUR SON while you sit back and chill in Isle O' Carol Vance?" I don't want another man to help me. I want HIM to help me with what he helped me make. Isn't that so fair? GOD! I didn't sign up for this by myself. I didn't make this life for myself, by myself. He SHOULD be here. And his solution is for me to find another man to do HIS JOB? THAT'S fucked up... So needless to say, I left the prison crying and VERY frustrated. And I wanted to throw free-world dirt in his eyes and ask him if it stung. word homie B