Today's one of those wierd days that my paternal instincts are kicking in. I want to be able to have a family. I want to have a wife, a kid, a dog, a little house with a lawn and a little garden out back, and a little patio with a grill. It's times like these that really make me miss my butterfly, because these were all the things we would have had together, these were the hopes and dreams that I had for us. But they're all gone now because I was too blind to appreciate what I had, too stupid to realize the kind of man I had to be. And now it's all gone, that entire life, those hopes, those dreams. So many times I have hoped and prayed and wished that I could make it work, that I could get all of those things back, but the more I look at it, the more I realize that the two of us have changed too much to ever get back together, to ever really be happy together. I was given a second chance even after I had lost everything, my eyes had been opened enough to appreciate the new things I had found, but I also knew I was still too stupid to be the kind of man I have to be, so I ran away, gave myself a new start in the military,seeking to be reborn, to get rid of all the things in myself that I hated and to gain all of the traits I admired and respected in others. I achieved that goal, but now that I love myself, that I've finally become the person I always wanted and new i had to be, I'm to far away to give my love to those I know deserve it most, I'm too far away to provide the life I always wanted to give to the one person I knew could always make e happy no matter what. And now that I left, all that happiness, that lack of pain and drama, has gone away, and I've left a scar that will always remain. Now ahe says she doesn't want to have anything to do with me, that she wants to let go and say goodbye, that would absolutely destroy the both of us, but I don't know if we could still have the happiness that seemed so inevitable at the time we were together. So for now I turn away from my past and look to my present, my new found friends and family, and I find happiness, they all seem to take away the pain, but those in my past see that as me turning my back on them, as wanting to move on without them, but I can't do that, my heart is still far too close to them for that, but I don't know what to do anymore, and our distance makes it so hard for me to show how much I care for them, and my circumstances make it so hard for me to chose between them. I know how I love the most, and if I thought it was possible to live in this world off of love alone, then she would be my first and only choice and noone, nothing could steer me away from her. But there's so much more to life than that, like experience, the connection of time, which I have with another. LIke understanding, which I have with yet another still. The one who understands knows that I have to have my life away from her and that there is nothing I can do about it, she knows that I have to look out for my friends, to be there for and with them. She knows that I have a job and that I have to take responsiblity within it and do things even when I'm not working in order to succeed. If only I can have the love of the one, the experience with the other, and the understanding of the third within any one of them, then I could truely be happy, but in stead I shall be torn and lost, forever to walk my path maybe not by myself, but definitely alone.