My life has found some way to turn itself around on me and inside out. So many people that I love and somewhere somehow I know that I'll eventually have to make a choice. One knows she loves me and tells me on a regular basis, I was stupid, left her to make myself better, not realizing that I probably wouldn't be able to see her again untill it was to late, not only that but she's falling in love with a friend of mine whom I consider a brother, or at least, he's falling in love with her. One betrayed me, broke her loyalty not long after our wedding day, though I think I deserved it. Now she's back in a rough spot in her life, she wants me back. She wants to move out here with me, be around someone who understands her and gets along with her, but I can't help but question if she tells me she loves me because she really does, or if she tells me because she needs and escape. One I don't really have a lot of feelings for, she was a friend of mine in my childhood, I make her happy and sometimes I think I might love her, but she has many bad habbits, I know if I ever did decide to be with her she would betray me, many times, but she still makes me feel good. One I just met, we've got a fairly deep relationship but it's mostly physical, though we do have a lot in common and like a lot of the same things, and the poor girl thinks I'm the best thing that's ever happened to her, at least that's what she tells me when she's lying in my bed. I don't think I love her but I think I could learn to love, and that's what scares me the most, love causes too many problems, so I distance myself while I suckle her teats... My love life aside, my job also causes me problems... I finally made a turn around, I've been doing everything I have to and I've been doing a pretty good job at it, then this week I fail a pt test and fall out of a road march, I mean is it really that hard to walk 12 miles with 50 lbs. on your back? In the end I just find myself trying to find an escape, trying to find anything that'll take the edge off, smoking, binge drinking, sex, it's all an escape but is it really the way to go? I now find myself doubting my worth, my purpose, my excuse to live, and again I feel myself falling into my depression but this time instead of killing myself quickly with a blade, I make it a slower, more painful death with bad habits. anyway this has gone on for far to long...