I feel like such an idiot. I really need to get out of this fucking house or I'm gonna drive myself insane. I've been crying all fucking day, I've been depressed all fucking day, and I've wanted to talk to him all fucking day. I don't like this, I can't do this. I keep wondering if he's hooking up wit some girl as I'm typing or just stupid stuff like that, which is stupid cuz I know he wouldn't do that. But still... I dunno... I just hope he's finally happy. He got what he wanted, he's back in Hawaii, he's back wit Malik, he's away from his mom, he's chillin wit his brother... I hope he's happy. But we gotta talk about us... We've gotta do something, cuz I really can't do this. I don't do the long distance thing, it would drive me even more insane than I am now, and that's not good. I dunno, it's not that I want us to just stop talking or w/e, I just... I dunno, I want things to stay the way they are, like the way we talk to each other and stuff, but we can't do the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing cuz we both have lives to get on with. He's got his Hawaii life and school's about to start up for me. So yea... We're both gonna find ppl we're interested in. Maybe not as interested as we are in each other or maybe more... I dunno, but we do need to talk about it. I was mad at him... For leaving. For some reason I was hoping that if I told him I didn't want him to leave he'd stay... Yea right. I dunno... I was mad at him for leaving me instead of staying and trying to work stuff out wit his mom. I was mad at him for pretty much choosin Malik over me after all the stuff he said about me being the only person he really trusts, which I still believe is true. But at the same time I'm not mad about that, cuz they've definitely been through some shit together so it's understandable. And then I felt just plain stupid, cuz what I want really isn't important. It's about what he wants and he wants Hawaii and I gotta respect that. As much as I hate it, I gotta respect that... Anyways, Nick came by today. Wow... I didn't know he felt that way about me. He said if me, Anthony, or Pilar moved he'd be devastated. Wow... Didn't realize I was the type of person that would devastate ppl if I moved... hmm... Good to know. But yea... That was a nice little visit, deep meaningful conversation. Then I made my mom feel kinda bad I think. Cuz I came back inside when Nick left and she was just like "What was that about? That was a long visit" or something like that and I was just like "Yes, deep and insightful" or something and she said "Do I wanna know?" "No" "Well damn, guess you don't want me in your business" "No" and I was really just straight faced about it... lol... Then she came in my room later and was all hyper and she jumped on my bed next to me and she was like "So what did you guys talk about that you don't want me to know about?" and I was just kinda like "Hi" so she changed the subject. Yea, that's my mom. Aw man and she told me she made Nikki (my sis) feel like an ass-hole. Cuz the day Eduardo left I called Nikki to see if she was working cuz if she wasn't I was gonna see if she could come over and just chill wit me or w/e, but when I called she said she had to work and I was like "OK n/m" and we hung up. Well, my mom was talking to Nikki earlier today and had said something about Nikki being really mean to me. Talking about how she was all uncaring or w/e when I called. She was like "Damn Nikki, the girl's boyfriend just moved to Hawaii forever, even though I don't think it's forever, and all you can say is 'Yea, I'm working w/e'?" And Nikki was just like "Oh she was...?" "Yea she was calling to see if you could hang out wit her or eat ice cream or something. Next time you need to think before you open your mouth and say something bitchy." Wow... It wasn't even that serious. And it really just didn't happen like that. Nikki was sleep, I asked if she was working, she said yes, I said ok n/m and we hung up. There really was no bitchy-ness involved, but w/e... Go mom. Anyways, my hands are getting kinda tired, it's kinda 12:30 and i gotta be at the school tomorrow, so I'm goin to bed now... Ciao ppl...