Nic called twice within 24 hours. thats an amazing record for him.

He only calls like once every 3-4 weeks. i knew he'd call soon. the only thing i can depend on him for is to call me right when i think im finally getting over him. is that what he wants? why cant i just tell him off? Probably because i really care for him A LOT!

Sometimes i feel like life just kick me in the face. Recently, i was in the process of quoting that to one friend, and another friend kicked me in my bad knee. Ironic... yes. Anyway, so i was sitting in a friend's room tonight just talking and its the first time i have seen her like all semester. and its a small school so its not often that you dont see someone. anyway, out of no where she told me that her and her room mate had recently been talking about how much they miss hanging out with me. I have no idea why but i just started to cry. i am such a pansy and right now i want to kick myself in the face. i have cried so much lately and for no reason! Ok, i have a reason... I have some type of chemical inbalance in my body that i am being put on medication for soon.... I hate not having control over my body like this.

so anyone who knows me well knows that I quickly became close to a guy, Nic, that I worked with at camp. Anyone who knows that story also knows that I have been stood up by him three times. The most recent time was about a month ago he promised to come see me at school and he never came and he never called! Until now. He just called me and I am such a girl because I didn't even get mad at him for not coming and not calling. We just talked about what is going on in our lives and it ended with the promise that he will call me agian tomorrow night. It also ended with him saying "goodnight, i love you" What the crap am i supposed to do about that? I think he might have been drunk. Im pretty sure he is drunk most often when he calls me. I am so flippin confused and when i hung up the phone i threw it agianst the wall and fell on my bed. it took everything inside of me to not punch a hole through the wall. i am so freaking ticked off yet at the same time i am so happy that he called me that i couldnt help but smile when i heard his voice. only two guys in my life have ever caused me to lose all rational thought in my head. the one guy i dated my senior year of high school and we had been best friends forever before that. but things didnt work out there and it still hurts to see him but thats a whole other story!!! Now Nic comes along and i couldnt help but fall in love with him. Im not saying by any means that I love him. those words can only come after a long time together. but i definately have feelings for him and i want to tell him so bad it hurts! but he keeps standing me up and then not calling and do i really deserve a guy like that? or do i deserve better? i like to think that i deserve better, but who knows??? BAH! Sometimes i just want to curl up in a corner and forget i exist! Today has been one of those days before he called and after he called i just didnt know what to do with life. I need to talk to Laura or Christy, or Emily, or Sami... or Kelli... any of my girls. Too bad they are in one dorm and i am in another and its past curfew. this blows! I want to cuss so bad!

Go ahead. Kick me. I'm already feeling down. I feel like I've been kicked in the face while im down. Sometimes i just want to go home to heaven rather than continue to try and unravel God's puzzle of a life gave me. Im fighting what feels like a losing battle with depression. I have become like a pro at feeling the moods coming on and preventing them but tonight i just let it go. I can usually contol them better than this. I dont think it helps that I was diagnosed with a medical condition that causes depression so now i really can use it as an excuse. thats not good. I cussed at a girl i barely even know who has been nothing but nice to me since the moment she introduced herself and took my tray up at dinner b/c i had just finished CC practice and she was just being her normal caring self. I told off the oldest friend i have left in this crazy messed up world. She pissed me off which under normal circumstances it would not have bothered me but i have reached the point where i already just want to die. Being forgotten by such a close friend was a kick in the face while i was already down. Ever since knowing her she has been the emotional one and i was her firm foundation. Her needs always came before my own and the one night i really truly needed her, she didnt care. She was selfish and didnt care. Im tired of giving myself just to be slapped in the face. Im not a door mat and i will not be walked on anymore! I hate her and I hate her most of all becasue I love her and there is nothing anyone can do that to change that. Its like God is telling me i am not aloud to hate her! WHY!? I hate this.

Oh man, sometimes life just goes crazy!!! Ok, today has been a really great day. Laura (from camp) came in from Cincy last night and stayed with me. It was so much fun! Her boyfriend's dad is a student here so he stayed there and she stayed with me. We had loads of fun! Chris has a 4 year old little sister that i am going to start watching once a week to help out thier parents. I ran my first Cross Country meet this morning. I definately came in dead last, however, I ran it 6 minutes quicker than i had set a goal for. I ran it in just over 36 minutes. I was really excited!!! I set a goal of 42 minutes for myself because that is what Nichole (a girl on m team) ran at the meet last week. I just wanted to match her time. That course was almost completely flat and well, the course here is not. So my coach was really happy with my time. Anyway, so Laura and i stayed up late talking about camp and life and school and guys and all this crazy stuff. Laura started telling me about her friend Eric and how we would be perfect for each other and she told me all about him and shes going to tell him all about me. THen today, Chris started saying the same thing about me and Eric being perfect for each other. I thought it was kind of funny.... but its a fun thought to start a friendship with a guy that I've kind of been "set up" with. I dont want to start anything beyond that cause i dont know the guy, but Im going up to Cincy soon to stay with Laura and she really wants something to happen. The whole thing is just crazy, but kind of like an exciting adventure. So heres what makes this day really crazy- Nic called me tonight (the guy from camp who stood me up twice) and he says hes coming to see me tomorrow. I'll believe that when it happens. There has only ever been two guys in my life that cause my stomach to do flips and my mind to go blank when i see them. I dated the one my senior year, and nic is the other one. I guess we'll just see if he really comes or not...

I leave for camp in like 4 days. Im so totally psyched. I will be working there all summer as a cabin counselor. im so excited to make a whole new group of friends with my fellow co-workers. I hate when a job is just that... A JOB! This particular summer job will be my life and i cant wait! It is more thana 9-5 kind of job. i am on duty 23 hours a day. One of the biggest responsibilities i have is to live my life as a Christian example and that is what i strive for everyday anyway. things will be a little tougher conisdering this is a handicap camp. I will have to become the arms and feet of these campers. I will have to put myself last if my needs are considered at all. ive been told by my boss to grow to dispise the sound of my own name. Call me crazy, but Im even more excited than ever! I love a challanage and i was raised to work hard.

I'm kind of bummed to be home. I thought i would spend the first few weeks catching up with old friends. BUt in reality, all of those friends have their own lives just the same as me and none of us really have anything in common any more... We have nothing to say and its hard to just pick up where i left off with most people. Except Kaitlin. She is still one of my best friends even if she is off in Texas and I wont get to see her until December. That will make a full year since i last saw her. We still talk a lot. I miss everyone at school and my life is about to branch off in yet another direction when i start my new job as a camp counselor. that'll be a whole new group of friends that i will once agian have to say goodbye to and move on somewhere else. Its nice to have a lot of friends. but it sucks to have to say goodbye. I still miss him. Thats the worst goodbye thats ever happened in my life. He was one of the greatest friends i have ever known and i never understood what we had until it was gone. It's almost like he has died and thank fully after a few questionable times, he is still alive. We just are not friends. THats hard. BUt i helped him and did what God needed me to do. Now he is moving on past his depression and even if im not part of it, im still very happy that it is happening. I just miss my friend.

It has been so long since i actually had an understanding and confidence in who i am. I have lost myself in the identity of my friends. i was becoming a clone of them, or atleast who i thought they wanted me to be. It took me almost the whole year to realize this.. some people were right when they siad i have changed. i still say absolutely everything that has happened this year has been for the Good. i cant think of one bad thing that has happened to my life that is bad. I still miss him. its been almost a year since we had our last really good conversation. ive never been close to any guy like i was with him. im still not close to anyone like that... I know God needed me somewhere else and i couldnt give my heart to him and thats why it had to end. i just wish it could have turned out a little different. Im glad he has moved on... i just wish i could have as well. Its not like i sit and dwell over the fact that he is with another girl. im happy for him. i just wish i couldbe with someone else too. although i do have my commitment to God and thats waymore important than my pride even if i do loose track of my priorities sometimes. Coming off to college iwth my best friend was supposed to make things easier, right? that was worng. She is so different. Or, she is the same and i am the different one. Yeah, thats it. Im trying to grow up and transform from a care free kid to someone who has responisibilities. she is like the least responsibile preson i know. she act like such a child. I feel bad that i am so excited to get away from her this summer. I will be working at a camp away from everything and everyone i know. i am going on my own. this is the first thing i have ever done completely on my own. My family and friends knew nothing about it until i was done and im proud to say that i did it. Im not sure if the folks are so thrilled that i will be gone all summer. but they dont understand how i hate to sit at hoem and do nothing. my summer is devoted to God and doing his will. It will be a life changing summer. i can just feel it. Im already looking forward to coming back to school in the fall and we havent even had finals yet. Within the last month or so i have finally found something to be passionate about agian. and that is SOCCER! I nkow it sounds silly. I start spring training with our girls' team about a month ago and since the first day all i have wanted to do is play soccer. when im not on the field, im in the raquettball room kicking the ball around with friends, or Im running around campus with Brandon or im thinking about soccer or talking about soccer. OK, so it sounds more obsessive then what it is but the truth is, i have not been passionate about anyhting all year. Im finding my confidence agian through soccer and thats what is really important to me... its not fitting in, or being athletic, or having a huge cirlce of friends... whats important to me is having the confidence to do what God needs me to do and soccer is helping me with that. I cant wait to come back in the fall and really get into the sport. FOr now, i have finals to study for and papers to write so this is all for now... and probably the next few months.... please keep me in your prayers over this summer?

We have a short break coming up next week. i really dont want to go home. i just feel like i dont belong their anymore. Im not saying that is a bad thing. I mean, im growing up and figureing out my own path which has been totally amazing so far this year. But then i go home and sometimes i expect my life to pick up where it left off but it cant. I know that. Its just weird. I love it here and i hate being away from my friends for even a day. These girls are like my sisters and the guys look out for me like im their little sister.

I'm not sure if I really do miss my friends here at home or if I am just holding on to the good times because i am too afraid to let go. i had a couple of my friends spend the night last week. We stayed up talking late and the friend i have known longer has not been herself in a long time. She is so quiet when we are together and she just doenst care about a lot. I think she might be depressed. Well, im almost positive she is. I email her a lot just to make sure shes doing ok. Shes coming to visit me at school in the spring. I love seeing her but i dont miss her. I dont think i do. i dont know why. I hate that she has been my best friend for so long and im ok without seeing her. i feel that way about everyone here at home. but i cant stop thinking about my friends at school. i want to be with them. i want to see him. I dont mean the boy here at home that i always talk about. ive been avoiding him a lot. it hurts to see him so i just dont. I hate this

When i talk to him i just want to be in his arms and know that im safe. He's finally at a stable level and isnt depressed like EVER anymore. Its back to being the strong, confident boy that i sarted to fall in love with. His eyes... oh man... i am so easily lost in his eyes. I want to tell him that i never stopped caring about him. But I cant. He is in one state and i now live in another. But when im home i get to see him. sometimes i jsut tell him im too busy because it seems easier that way. I was feeling down the other night and i felt like God must hate me. BUt he talked me through it and it was jsut awesome. It was like the conversations we used to have. i miss those.

I have had the most amazing two weeks of my life. I have been in my dorm room to sleep and change and thats about it. Jenna, who lives down the hall, some how thinks i have chnaged from a sweet innocent girl to someone who has no regard towards authority. Ok, so i have gotten myself into a little trouble with pranks and breaking curfew. But come on, i am 19 years old with a midnight curfew. give me a break!! Ive become good friends with some amazing girls who definately know when its time to get serious and do their work but at the same time they know how to have fun. we have had some amazing nighs hanging out with the guys and looking at stars. I have never seen so many stars at one time. Jenna doesnt understand why i want to be friends with them. but to be honest, Jenna and i were never close to begin with. she always just critisized me and told me what i did wrong. so whatever. i think shes just jealous that my friends and i have been hanging out with two guys she worked with over the summer and thought would become her best friends here at school. these guys are amazing. And then there is this guy Josh, who gives the best back massages. I gave him a 30 minute message yesterday and he fell asleep. I love when people fall asleep when im rubbing on them. It means they are comfortable with me. Last night was open dorms so the girls could come in our dorm rooms and we could go in theirs. of course, doors had to be open and all that but thats ok cuase it just means nothing bad will be going on. I was in Josh and Brian's room with some other girls and i was laying on Josh's bed (which is agianst the rules cause feet have to be on the ground) and i totally fell asleep. BUt for all those dirty thoughts you may be having, he was sitting on the floor. I woke up to him rubbing my shoulder and looked around and everyone was gone. That was weird. But he just walked down the hall with me cause everyone had gone to Evan's room to watch a music video who directed. that was cool. Josh is so incredibly sweet. I spent all day with him (and a bunch of other people) we played cards and pool and watched movies. I took the most random road trip last night. We drove and hour and a half with 6 of us in a car just so we could have long neck bottles of ALE 8 and eat at toco bell. We could have had ale 8 and toco bell here but it was 10:30 and we wanted to go on a random road trip. ok... study time so this entry must end.

Im home agian. I saw him over the weekend. We spent 2 hours in the park just talking. It was raining. All i could think about is how much i wish things had worked out and how badly i wanted to kiss him. im so dumb. I worked today and yesterday. Its the first day Ive worked in over 4 months. i really liked it. But somehow i messed up my knee because i forgot my brace back at school. I have my check up tomorrow, too. OH NO! Ive spent a lot of time with the family. Its been fun. i think ive gained 5 pounds since being home. thats bad. but I'll be spending plenty of time in the gym when i get back to school. its like an addiction. I love being home but it seems like i didnt miss my friends from here as much as i thought i did. like i dont really care if i get to spend time with them. i did get to see them at church and i would love to spend time with Lauren and Brit. But Im missing my girls back at school, too. I feel so torn. This is nuts.

How long are you going to conitue talking to me like those letters were never written? Or those conversations never took place? You go on acting like nothing is wrong. How long are you going to keep this mask on before one of us breaks??

Quick side note... today is my 19th birthday. OK, somedday i will tell you what really went through my head. Someday I will just tell you that I was and still am scarred. but not just for us as a couple. i fear for your safety. it is not fair that i always worry if you are safe from yourself. i gave too much of myself to protect you and as just a friend i could easily protect you from yourself and give all of me to do so. But as your girlfriend it was a sudden overwhelming fear that all the blame would land on me if something happened. would it have been allmy fault if something happened to you?? I couldnt handle being responsible in that situation. i had to let you go. i had to let you live on your own. I was being sucked in to a world i wasnt strong enough to survive in. This doesnt even make sense to me, how could i ever explain it to you in a way you would understand...???

So this is my second entry today... but its the weekend and I've been done with classes since 11 and nearly the entire campus is gone for the weekend. I'm getting ready to head out with some girls to go ice skating. Thats exciting. Then tomorrow i am heading out with Sarah for the rest of the weekend. We'll be back late Sunday night... For now Im left alone in my room with my own thoughts. That's scary... So here's whats in my head.. and since no one ever reads this anyway im safe to be completely honest. He has been on my mind a lot lately. If i had not come away to school would things have turned out differently?? Would we still be together?? Would I have finally been able to kiss the only guy i have ever truely cared about?? Who knows... I just wish we both would have held tighter to that friendship we had. I'm a jerk. and he said some things that hurt. But he never understood that I had to turn and walk away. I had to look at him and lie and tell him the relationship wouldnt work. I got scared because we were too close. I wasnt ready to be so close to anyone yet. I wouldnt even let him kiss me. he ment too much. i wasnt ready to move to that level. So many people are like, kissing is no big deal. But it is. Its more than Ive ever given to a boy. Im going to be 19 in three days. Sure, ive kissed two boys before... but to kiss someone that means more to me than just a boy to kiss... thats something i wasnt prepared for. I wasnt prepared to fall in love. I wasnt ready. i was just in high school. high school relationships are meaningless, right? So why does this one hurt so much? I never felt safer than when he had his arms around me. But then things changed. When i was with him, its not that i didnt feel safe, but i was scared of how far i would let myself go with him. how far would he let me go with him? How far would he try to get me to go? I dont know if i could have stuck to my boudaries... but oh man... why didnt i just give it a chance??

It's been awile sine i've written in here. So much is going on. So many feelings good and bad about so many different things. College life has been great. Pretty much everything i expected it to be. Im still (and will always be) working on building friendships with the girls around the dorm. i avoid boys a lot. i just dont need to get mixed up in that sort of relationship right now. Im still missing my boy back home a whole lot. But then there is this one guy here and i just dont know what to say about him. He is everything Ive ever wanted in a guy. He has a strong relationship with God and we both feed off of each other's strengths in our faith. I've always wnated that. Its draining to be the sole sorce of strength in a relationship. This boy strives hard to be a man of God. he isnt easily influensed by the people and culture around him. He does his own thing for God and its totally attractive. We've had a lot of good, long conversations over the past couple of months.. but thats just it... We've only known each other a couple of months. We are both trying hard to focus on our studies and most definately on our relationships with God. But i wouldnt mind if things gadually developed into more. But then i cant help thinking about my boy back home. We broke up back in May. we didnt even date long. But our relationship was more focused on the friendship part of it rather than the high school relationship thing. and I miss the friendship.. but it's too hard to know that i cant let myself be with him. No one will ever understand... I just cant let myself fall in love with him. Moving past the topic of Boys... I am going ice skating tonight with some friends. Im so excited. i just cant let the folks find out because i recently had knee surgery and im not supposed to be doing anything like that for a long time. Im not even aloud to run for a year. which takes me to July. AS IF!!! I've been running since september. Nothing serious. Mostly just chasing people down the hall... But I will most definately be running by spring. Im not telling the folks this either, but im going out for the girls' soccer team next year. So starting in the spring and going through the summer i am dedicating myself to some hardcore training. My mother, especially, would flip if she ever found out. shes so protective of me. If it wasnt for my knee, she would be all for it... so I was thinking, How am I going to explain to her why I have to be at school 2 weeks early next fall? I came to the conclusion that I will just tell her i am the manager of the soccer team and I need to be there. Ok, so its a bold faced lie which is definately a sin... But she just wouldnt understand and its my life.. not hers. Thats why I have no intentions of telling her that I have chosen a major! She wouldnt like my choice either. and its not like shes paying for my education. Im on my own!!!! im out of here for now... fun evening ahead of me!!!

I hung around my house most of the day. Its kind of weird to be home. i dont think my sister likes me being home but she'll survive. i leave tomorrow. I did not get to see him this weekend. Well, i will tomorrow but thats just at church and i wont be able to tell him what i wanted to. although im not even sure what it is that i want to tell him. i hung out at the church with my youth minister for awhile. hes an amazing guy and i wish i had one more year with him as youth minister. but im learning a lot at school about the bible and its stuff that you just cant teach to all high school kids. there is such a wide range of understanding... if that makes sense. my new friends are cool. Sami has got to be the coolest!!!! I do miss my girls back home. i hope to someday have friends half as great as they are. i love them!!! God is amazing and i cant even explain the great things he is doing in my life. im really working on trying to turst him a little more and rely on my own understanding less. I cant out dream God. i just wish i knew what he needed me to do with my life.

Im going home agian. Its only the second weekend since I've been here that i have been able to go home. i want to see him. i want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. Im tired of hearing that what happened was ok and im tired of hearing that im ok. Im not ok. But i want to hear that everything is going to be ok... thats all i want!! Everyone says its no big deal and it was just a kiss. Ok, so it was just a kiss. But it was a stolen kiss and now everyone is talking about it and me as if its some story line of a soap opera. thats all my school is. Gossip travels so quickly. like the day my window got broken. It happened at 1:30 in the morning and by noon the whole campus knew. oh, those boys turned themselves in... and they didnt get expelled. so everything is ok.