I just read all my past entries since Levi. I am an idiot. But i think i know why now. I read about the lesson in Church about letting the Lord work and how he's the only one that knows best. About Everything. He knows what's best and looking back i see everything now. hindsight really is 20/20. Anyways,

Evan and I have been having problems for a year now. Last year at this time i was depressed, and now I am again. But i did have a very different experience right after new years. I got a visit from a friend. One i missed and i still Love. Levi. For once someone came to see me and just to see me. We swam, soaked, shopped, and cuddled. He showed me that i was still beautiful and i still trust him. Completely. and i still love him. but i didn't tell him that. Levi has a girlfriend even if i don't like that she's in high school. At least i know that he won't be married for some time.

I am going to leave Evan

I'm not happy with him, haven't been happy with him since he purposed. and yet i'm not sorry that i said yes. I'm a different person now, i'd like to think that i'm a better person, but i've gone through a few trials out here and i know that i don't belong here. But now i get to find out where i do belong. and to quote she and him... "I want to be where your heart is home"

I want to run to Levi and ask him to take me back. But now.... well i'm not sure he wants me like that anymore. although i know i can turn him on. so physically he still wants me.. but what about the rest of him?

I'm taking Evan's Ultimatium but not because i want to be with someone else, although i do. But i'm doing this for me and my happiness.

Levi told me that he still had the letter that i wrote him for him to read on the plane. and thinking about it, i think that he's the only one that i've given him anything of me to hold on to. I never gave anything to Austin or anyone. Just Levi. and i can't ignore that the only time i've been utterly and truly happy was when we were dating.