so totally not mine . it's from someone else . but it describes how I feel in more ways then one ~~~~ I was watching you and pretend that I was listening to you. It wasn’t really hard. You was so absorbed by this case that you didn’t even notice that I was absent-minded. I was staring at you and thinking... ...do you know how that it is possible to love someone so deeply? Do you know how is it when the last thought before falling asleep and the first after awakening is a thought about somebody? You can even imagine how it is when you are standing in front of a mirror every morning, having hairdo or putting earrings wondering if you would like my look today. Do you know how it is when you are living your life, breathing, talking and doing million other things having deep in your mind this one thought, thought about person you love? I don’t know if you know that. I do. I know it even more then I would like to. I meet you every day and every day I delude myself that it will be today... Maybe today you will look at me in a different way, maybe you will give yourself way with some thoughtless gesture, or that you will simply tell me that finally. And I will just say ‘me too’. But it’s too beautiful too be true. You treat me as a good friend and I... I would like so much to be more important than that. But I will never, not ever, confess to that. No one knows what I’m really like, what I’m thinking about , what of I’m dreaming of. Nobody knows me. Everyone thinks that I’m wise, brave woman who is always professional in everything that she’s doing. But isn’t true. Truth is, that I’m just weak little girl, who needs you so much, who wants to tell you all those think which she’s suppressing for so many years. Speak up it loud and then just cuddle into your arms and burst into tears, so simply, felling a relief that it is all known now, there is nothing left to hide. But I know very well that there isn’t any chance for it. I will never do that. I’m too proud and too ambitious for it. And too cowardly as well. Oh yes, that’s the whole truth about me. I can keep on fighting to the end, I’m not afraid of anything and anybody... apart from this one thing. I’m afraid of hearing my own voice, which would be saying you that I love you. I’m afraid that you spurn me, that you tell me that we are just friends. I’m afraid that you leave me alone. And I know that this is a thing, which I would be unable to stand. I would rather suffer in silence, love you only in whispers and only at the night when I’m lying in empty and cold bed, clanged merely to my pillow. While in the daytime I’m completely different person. I’m tough woman, who can easily cope with everything, who never complain, even if something is howling with pain inside her. This feeling has been growing in my heart for long time and I won’t let it out. I’m keeping it hidden under the mask of coldness and is will remain so, even if it will burst some day, tearing me from inside into thousands of pieces. And sometimes this thing is crossing my mind... that maybe you... maybe you too... But it’s only my heart, which let me still have some hope, in spite of common sense, which always discard that possibility. I don’t want to believe, because I know that disappointment would be too painful. I will never find out the truth. Neither you, nor I will ever say it loud. And nothing will be changed till the last day of ours lives. Unless I will find enough of courage in myself someday to let these three words which could make everything so right out of my mouth...