its not like I meant for this happen. I didn't mean to fall in love with him. I swear I didn't. and God do I sometimes wish that I had never met him. but then he hugs me when I don't feel well, or cracks some gay-ass joke when I'm the verge of tears. and then I just can't hate him. I can't. I've tried. God knows I've tried. nothing was supposed to happen this way. things weren't supposed to turn out this way. this was supposed to be over by now. my heart wasn't supposed to hold onto him for this long. God why did it hold on for so long? I love him. and I can't get him out of my head or out of my life and its fucking killing me. because I know that he'll never feel the same way and that he'll never understand. he has someone else and God does it hurt sometimes. I'm jealous, I've never been one to shy away from it. I just wish it wasn't like this. I wish I didn't care so much. I wish my heart wasn't so broken. I'm so tired of crying over him because he could care less that I'm alive. and it hurts. I'm just tired of it hurting to much. I wanna move on, I really do. I swear I do. I wanna love someone who loves me back. but I know that that will never happen. so I guess that's why my heart holds onto him? I don't really know. I don't really know anything anymore. Not that I ever have. so I guess I'll just be quiet and sit back and watch as everyone else moves on. and I guess my heart will always be broken because now I don't really believe that there is any guy out there that can and ever will fix it. I love him. He's amazing. a jerk. but an amazing jerk. his hugs make me feel better no matter how bad my day has gone and when he ignores me it hurts worse than when anyone else does it. I look forward to going to school everyday because it means that I might get a hug, or two, or three, depending on nice he feels like being. I don't sleep because of him. because he's always in my head and on my mind and I think about him constantly. I talk about him all the time, so much that everyone hates me for it. My so-called best-friend uses it against me. deciding to openly flirt with him right in front of me. and I don't know if that hurts worse or if its the fact that he flirts back. It breaks my heart to know I'll never have him. It tears me up inside to think that everyone else gets the chance to be loved while I sit here and love like there is no tomorrow and get none in return. some days I just wanna curl up and cry all day, or die. I just don't understand why it has to be like this. Why do I love the one who will never love me back? God I hate it. I almost think I hate you God, but I know that that isn't true. I just need someone to blame and I can't really blame him. It's not his fault. After all, we can't help who we love and who we don't. Right? I guess that's the only way to think of it. To just follow your heart. Well my heart leads me right to him. I'm just tired of the rejection and the constant pain and feeling of worthlessness. I wanna be happy for once. I want one week to go by where I don't have a depressing moment and where I don't have to have a hug from him just to be that way. I just wanna be loved in return.