I'm actually writing this a day late, because yesterday when I was suppose to have come on here and write what was on my mind, I got the sudden urge to leave my house on account of the fact that my mother was being overbearing, my father was falling in line and my sister had the nerve to join in my pointing out random faults and poking fun at some of my events. I'm not sure who annoyed me the most. Actually, that's a lie, I know who was annoying me the most, I know who disappointed me the most and I know who I wanted to yell at as well. But that be beside the point. The point is that I decidede to leave yesterday for a few hours with my friends. It was highly productive, save the fact that I got bitten plenty of times, and I think I got bitten twice in the same area because one of them was really really large; like it swelled up and then ten minutes later, it disappeared. The only one/ thing I have left is one on my neck and when I itch it, it looks like it's either a rash, or a freshly put hickey. But enough of that - on to business, shall we? Ever have those dreams that don't require any interpetation, becuase it means exactly what it means. There's so switching of people, or some odd representation from a dead perosn you don't know and really wish you didn't. If you have, I think you might be able to relate to whta I'm about to say, if not... well, sit back, listen and then scrutinize after. See, generally, when I get those (bearing in mind that I do not usually dream) I'm half asleep/ half awake - so I can easily exaplin why everything was so straight forward; 'twas because my mind was awake and thinking about what it was that's bothering me and somehow it got crossed and thrown into a dream state. But never, not once have I ever had such a straight forward dream as I did two nights ago (Thursday night.) I dreamt I was just standing there... standing there by myself and I was standing and crying. I was crying, my head was in my hands, and then I looked up, and when I looked up I saw her there, just standing quite a distance away from me. We said nothing, but when I looked at her I started to cry even more. She was in white, I remember that as well; a white dress almost, simple, very loose... almost like a sleeping gown. That vision of her was imprinted in my mind for all of yesterday and I swear that I can still see her. And then I woke up... ... ... Now, because of what happened, and the fact that I never put it all out there to anyone, I never really... well, I wrote an entry, but I felt it was best to mark it private. I kinda cried, but even though I said I did, I think you and I both know that I've never been one to cry to that extent and so after a handful of undersized tears, I stopped. But my crying and hurting logic is not on trial here, nor is it the point of this entry, therefore I shall continue on with what I was getting at. And so it's all in there and there are times when I talk to her, when I see her I get lost in a totally different train of thought and wonder what the hell did I do. I suppose it's just about then that the converstaion goes silent and then she starts singing or humming. The point is that my dreams are becoming more and more simplistic and in all honesty, this is the second time in three months that this has happened to me and I'm not amused at all. But don't you think it's funny how we unknowingly bring things out to ourselves without really making it interfer with whatever little structure we've concocted that we call our life, our little world or haven. As much as some of us would like to admit that we feel nothing and that we're indestructable and all that rubbish, we have to let it out and deep down inside, we want to because as humans, well, not only do we feel the need to be understood (some omre than others) but must also wipe away whatever it is that's bothering us and start a new. It's almost like those magni-doddles. I'm sure there's at least one of you out there whos understanding what I'm getting at, or at least understand the reference. I mean, when you drew too much, or we screwed something up, we had to erase it. Some of us would erase it after we finished the rest of the picture, but some of us would get rid of it as soon as we scrwed up because it ruined the over all picture, or it was a shame and disgrace. A wounded pride can be a terrible thing, even for a three year old. What I'm trying to say is that the human mind and psyche works in a very similar fashion. Think about it for a moment. Some of us, when issues and problems arise in our life, we try to carry on as normal as possible but then towards the end of the ordeal, then we try to go back and correct or get rid of original problem. The only catch to that is the fact that, much like in drawing, sometimes when erasing the mistakes, you get rid of some of the good portions that you liked because the eraser point that you're erasing with is further up or back from where you thought. Now, some of us, like to deal with it head on. "Confront and Provoke" so to speak. Remove it like it was an unsightly wart. Others do it for the purpose of "moving on smoothly w/o worry" but we all know that anyone dignified to pull a peice of reasoning up out of their hat is doing it becuase of their roolish pride, and you'd have a very difficult time convincing me that it's any less that 9 times out of ten it's the case. However, this can be a negative thing as well, for the newly laid ink that's A-O-K, smudges when you go to work on the bad section. Rattling the sabor, so to speak. Another issue is that sometimes you get so over worked and involved in removing the issue that you forget about what it was that you were originally attempting to achieve and then what do you have? A bigger problem. You see, as humans we strive for perfection in life and fail to realize that it can't happen. Others often opt for the "all I want is happiness" routine, which is merely a dubbed down version of perfection, because as much a we say that "all we want is for things to be alright," what we really mean is "all I want is for everything to be in it's place, perfect and waiting for me to get around to it when I see fit." Operative words in that sentence is the second "I" and the "perfect", because seriously, that's what would make us happy - being able to get to things when we can, and just let everything be where it is and that'll be happiness. But really, that's a form of perfection, is it not? What we must and many of us have yet to realize is the fact that perfection is but a state of mind. I've been saying it for years now (three) and people just think I'm being pessimistic (which, I firmly believe, I never am) or that I'm just using one of my sayings that doesn't have to make sense. But really, you can convince yourself that you're happy in any situation and you will be. Now, some of us take that to an opposite extreme, which can prove hurtful to all involved, but just like all metods, it must be used in the appropriate situations. I mean, if somebody just lost their mother, father, husband and three children to a fire, you don't walk up to them and say "I'm really sorry, but there's no use crying over split milk." You get wha ti'm saying though, correct? Good. You see, it's the way the human mind workds, although it can be very strong-willed, on average, it's pretty well susceptible to having it's thoughts conerted. It's almost like a mind-over-matter situation, only not as prudent to ones survival (most of the time.) All I'm saying is that because happiness is really a state of mind which we can sometimes control and we really should attempt to get the "all I want is happiness" because A. Happiness cannot last (it's an impossibility for every human being on the planet) B. Happiness dulls the senses C. Happiness is over-rated D. Happiness requires way too much time and effort to set up and organize, and in the end, it never works out. According to the Websters Encyclopedic Dictionary (New Lexicon Version), Happiness is defined as: i. Feelings of joy and pleasure mingled in varying degree. ii. The satisfaction of the deepest desire Now, going by this, one could say "once I have obtained my deepest desire, I've obtained happiness. However, the only problem with that is the fact that one, by law of nature, had to (willingly or unwillingl) sacrifice something in order to obtain that happiness. It is the way it is. You cannot have both, or all, as the french would say, "C'est impossible!" Because it is. So here's the thing, you give up something and make sacrifices, that' all well and dandy, but most of the time, and I'd wager most of the time, the things that you gave up (because they were once in your possession) were more than likely of value. Perhaps they paled in comparison to whatever it was that you were going for, but in all essence, it was of value because your life isn't a business whereby you can carry useless overhead that you're waiting on someone to buy. So you've lost something in order to gain something else and no matter what it was that you have replaced it with, it'll never be the same. I'll give you an example. Technology, a marvelous thing. In the beginning you had to do so much maintainance to it and everything was so manual. Nowadays it's all configured and you just go and boom it happens. There is a problem though, nobody knows the ins and outs becaues the operating systems have been made idiot-proof, so really, you've either got no idea what you're really doing, or if you do, you have no idea what's going. We've traded knowledge in for convenience becuase that's what we wanted. Mind you, it can be a better thing, but the inherent problem with it is the fact that we're being led around by the hand here. Nobody seems to mind, save a few. And if you really thought it out, you might actually want to know the in's and out's, back alleys, sub routes, various commands, etc. etc. I bet you over half the computer using population has no idea how to make a windows 98 program run form the DOS mode. I bet you ten dollars. Because we've traded in one for the other. Mind you, it may not be as simple as that, in relation to happiness, but it's the gerneral principle I'm getting at. So even though you may have obtained the deepest desire here's what ends up happening. Oh, you'll love this. Either one of three things. Whatever you sacrificed you long to get back, while haivng what you already have worked hard to get (having all your cake and eating it too) or, becuase we all know the way humanity is (bigger and better) we want to advance what it is that we already have, make it "perfect" but really, isn't perfection, in itself flawed, through the eyes of humanity? (Don't worry, I'll address that another day.) Or, this one is what'll snag all of you skeptics, life changes and evolves and even if, within that given situation, you label yourself content (which is merely another matter of convincing ourselves that it is better and that it was the best choice) other areas of your life start going awry and then what occurs? Uh oh, well, looks like we've got a new problem to solve. So, really, it's best if we, dare I say it... lower our standards a little. But here's the even bigger quesiton I wish to pose. Can we ever REALLY find HAPPINESS? I mean the hardcore kind of, I'm completely happy and everything is alright and everything will be alright. I think that we have little moments of euphoria, but true happiness, that's a stretch - even if I were feeling in a good mood. One of the obvious problems is that our deepest desires can change and morph on us. And upon realizing this (because if sometihng goes wrong with our plan, we break down) we start making thing extremely generalized, ensuring that in some way, shape or form, we will be able to obtain it and thus not cause our own dissatisfaction beacuse truth be known, we're scared of that happening, we're afraid of our own reality smashing and crashing down on us like a brick house. So you see, our desires become intertwined with reality; based as much on what we were originally wanted (or thought we did) as it is based on the changing occurances of our life. And what are we left with? A mutant form of the blueprint, which, need I point out, was probably dubbed down because so many of us are afraid to dream, fearing that we'll die unhappy; but again, I shall save that for another day as well. But how much can you blame us? One day we're here, the next, we're over there... circumstances are always changing so to have a specific thought out and planned dream would be, foolhardy. I know I'm contradiciting myself, but really, what I'm getting at is that you can't have logic and a dream at the same time. You can opt for only A logical dream by way of a logical logic or A dreamer's dream by way of a dreamer's logic. To have Both, one in the same, is... shall I say, impossible. And each of the two are, respectively, flawed. Now that we've finally established that, the quesiton is, which way is the way to live, by Logic, or by Dreams? But more prudent to this inquiry, is the quesiton of which one would deliver true happiness? I suppose it differs for every single person, and even if it doesn't, I highly doubt that given my two and a probable quarter hours of sleep, I could come to a reasonable conclusion. As for me, I'm content in knowing that I've change my day-to-day goals based on a few over-all facts of my being... naturally, what I've convinced myself what would be best for everyone involved. The only problem arises when, through my convincing and doing better for the best interest of others, I not only take the bullet, but accidently smash the person's head off the ground as I fall to the earth protecting them... And it hurts every time it happens, it hurts a little more actually. There's alot to be said for the repurcussions of convincing oneself of various realities; just take my word on it and be careful. Pacifically, -Captain B. Convinced