Comrades, For the pat two weeks, I've have the exclusive opportunity of feeling alike absolute garbage. I suppose this song doesn't realy help my mood as it merely highlights one of the many faliures of my current life- but that shall be addressed in a later entry. I've just been feeling so down lately and I can't, for the life of me, explain why. Nothing's awfullywrong in my life - so therefore I shouldn't be complaining. And I mean, I haven't been complaining to anyone about anything- save one perosn who I attempted to open up to - but sh hasn't talked to me since then so... ya. At any rate, I'm sitting here and I've been thinking about everything and none of it ealy seems to phase me and none of it seems to matter. Summer of '69 is playing right now, and when I think about it, I've never had any of those experiences; never a band never a specific group of friend that I could totally relate to... well, maybe agirl that I gave things up for - but that didn't last long. Never had a romantic moment on a girlfriends porch... no memorable romantic moments at all, really. And now that I think about it, I'm quesitonng whether or not everything that I've done, everything that I've been so sure of and regimented about was really worth it. I'm thinking back and starting to question if this is really how I want to proceed in life. I'm re-evaluating he future based on the past and it's relation to the present. Some people said this would come, some said that I'd look back one day and hate myself for the choices I made and the choices I didn't make. Those people generally spoke out of anger...those people were generally me. And so I sit here today, captain of a crew, "a leader," "a bright star amidst the most darkened nights..." ya, that'll be the day. I sit here not so much lost but more unsure. A moment of weakness you ask? Never. I find that one should always stop and assess the value of things before one gets ones self into feculent matters. It's just a matter of not being pleased with myself is all. I guess I end up doing this to myself at least six times a year, but this just isn't cool. It's been almost a month now and I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm not living the way that I'd like myself to be living. It's almost as if... you know how sometimes people have expectations of you - like your parents, teacher, friends, family etc. and you don't necessarily know what it is, but you know it's something great? Ya. I feel like that, only problem is that that one person who happens to have these unknown expectations of me, is me. And I can't bring up the conversation or anything because I'd be talking to myself again and... well... ... just tell me you get what I'm saying, please? Just, just lie to me even. I swear I won't mind. You might question whether the captain has gone out of his mind, if I'm suffering from some form of mental illness. I'll say no to you on that score, simply because up to this point in time I've been and still am capable of my regular feats of functioning. It's basically one of these juxtaosition things that I'm going through is all. I won't go through a few paragraphs attempting to justify my sanity/ right state of mind, but instead, I will continue with my regularly scheduled (which is a lie because they're relatively random and not spatially averaged) entry. I mean, what the hell is going on with me? No one has caught on to anything thus far, but I'm still finding it hard to operate and concern myself with th dya to day dealings of my own life. Right now I have one last essay due sometime next week, and a report due tomorrow in Management and what's more than that... and what's more than that my friends, is that I can't seem to come to terms with myself; can't seem to be pleased enough with myself to want to move on and deal with things the way they are. They say that when you live in the past, that you die a little each day - but how can you die a little each day when you feel like you've been dead your whole life? Anyone? Sometimes I'm not even sure if anyone is listening... if anyone really cares. And it's not that I want people to care, or that deep down inside I'm looking for more attention 'cause truth be known, I'm ot the most open perosn on the face of this planet. Not loking for advice either - lord knows that there's nobody beter suited to give me advice than myself. Usually it's just a matter of me taking my own advice really - and lord knows that sometimes I'm too wishful, stubborn or just blind to actually listen to myself. But looking at his personal track record, who the hell does he think he is, trying to give me advice?! Saving everyone's soul but his own... what a chump. Im now listening to Matchbox 20. I've been listening to them for awhile because not only were they my first real rock band, but they always seem to know what to say and when to say it. In all actuality, I probably just happen to know which songs to tune into and which ones to avoid all together. Mad season is the album, and if you get the chance, take a boo and see if it isn't some good stuff - though, admittedly, the first couple songs aren't anything to necessarily anything to shake a stick at. I leave you with the lyrics to "Bed of Lies" - it's number ten on the album, in case any one cares. No I would not sleep in this bed of lies So toss me out and turn in And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes I'm marking it down to learning I am Don't think that I can take another empty moment Don't think that I can fake another hollow smile It's not enough just to be sorry. Don't think that I could take another talk about it Just like me you got needs And they're only a whisper away And we softly surrender To these lives that we've tendered away No I would not sleep in this bed of lies So toss me out and turn in And they'll be no rest for these tired eyes I'm marking it down to learning I am Don't wanna be the one who turns the whole thing over Don't wanna be somewhere where I just don't belong Where it's not enough just be sorry Don't you know I feel the darkness closing in Tried to be more than me And I gave 'til it all went away And we've only surrendered To the worst part of these winters we've made No I would not sleep in this bed of lies So toss me out and turn in And they'll be no rest for these tired eyes I'm marking it down to learning I am all that I'll ever be When you - lay your hands Over me but don't go weak on me now I know that it's weak But God help me I need this I would not sleep in this bed of lies So toss me out and turn in And they'll be no rest for these tired eyes I'm marking it down to learning X2 'cause I can... Take Care of Yourselves, and Each Other, -Captain B. Marking It Down Post Script - I apologize for this entry not being spectacular but I just... well, it really it doesn't matter anymore anyway.