Fellow citizens, I begin this entry unaware of where it shall lead on account of the fact that I don't have anything particular to discuss. Recent events have not warranted an entry, however certain moods in addition to musical accompaniments and starbucks have dictated that I throw some lines down on paper... or more accurately a facsimile of paper in which I can erase, correct and otherwise alter words without having to physically change any print. Fun ain't it? Not as if any of you really haven't thought of that before - it's just a matter of me pointing out what we all already know. It's what I'm good at because, honest to 'god,' that's really all I do. I ought to charge fo my services, but if I were to do something like that it would become too clear that I'm a real jerk... so I'll withhold the fees and wait until I am not only cultured enough, but can also bank roll some kind of psychic hotline/ help centre. Maybe that's my calling... a help centre... sorry, just playing with your emotions; "bad captain, bad." So what's really the deal here? I mean, there's got to be someting rattling around in my brain, right? To be honest, I can't really say. I suppose that in part, some of my feelings are not that dissimilar from that of Mappie, though in all fairness, I will admit that I'm a little more apprehensive about the changing of the tides. So many people are off, on their own way and me... well, I'm staying. And granted, there are some of us who are staying, and they're not so bad. But it's really the ones who help make the ordinary just that, the ordinary... those are the people that I'm going to miss. Not necessarily the experience, or the "walls" per se, it's more of just the presence of said people - the people you thought you had all of the time in the world with and took it for granted. It's odd, because although I'm starting to relike the band that's being played (Default) but my title is really from Jimmy Eat World. I guess that's what it's all about - the things that aren't so obvious becoming more and more apparent as time marches onward, waiting for nobody. I guess, in a lighter sense what it's really calling upon are my feelings of inaction. Sure, the people who make the ordinary are a huge part of what's going on, but it's the other people who, although appear to only be included in "the ordinary" represent so much more than just faces in the hall or filled desks in the classroom next door. But who do you tell, them? And ruin the good-byes; make bad before they leave and you perhaps never see them again? What a fine line to walk here. Do something and risk never seeing them again, or do nothing and risk never seeing them again for a completly different reason. One action gives them reason to run away, the other gives them no reason to come back... So what shall it be, Captain? If only it was so easy. Some things're better black and white, while others... well, others would lack complexity and thus it's charm without the shades of grey. Funny ain't it? What we want the most is always what we don't have and are oftentimes too afraid to reach for. Still, not as if anything'll come of this so, "no use complaining," eh? Right. So onto bigger and better things. The people closest... the ones we kept to the vest. Yea, theyre the ones that you spent the most time with - the ones who you supported, negotiated with and even saw their weakest moments. Defining moments were with them and in one month they'll be but a memory, never to be revisited, others to come back as a glimmer from the past. But that's all it'll be; a glimmer because in the time that they're gone you'd have moved on and gotten over it - tried to block it all from memory. Adaptation to a new situation usually means forgetting, distorting or throwing away the old ones. And as they return in small droves, it'll become oddly apparent that things have changed and it'll be much easier to call the kettle black. But just how right will we be? More accurately, what right will we have to do that then and not in yesteryears? Adaptation is a funny thing, don't you think? I mean, it really changes us, allows us to chameleon-ize, fool and even distort ourselves. But more importantly, it allows us to take advantage of something. It allows us to prosper and succeed all at the cost of, sometimes, our own identity. Problem is that we're so caught up in it that we don't recognize what we've become. We've had been so far removed from what we aimed to become by basically, ourselves. It's impossible for us to diagnose this when we're caught up in this and if we can... well, than chances are you're acting a role. And although you may be patting yourself on the back for not selling-out, the truth is that, yes, you're not an unintentional sell-out but you are a weasel because you're playing people. And the thing with those people is that they believe that they've got the upper hand but how long will it be before someone as ambitious and perhaps even more advantageous comes along and simply runs them through with a dagger? Not long. Karma? Not necessarily, though it is the first conclusion we jump to. I'd call it Univeral Balance - that at any given time there must be and is a maintained balance of forces proportionate to the given matter. It's almost like equity, only in this matter, it relates to universal dymanism. But no evidence, or rather lack of real evidence does not equate to even a theory let along a law so let us pass over this topic and converse upon more finite matters. Wait, "More finite matters"? Who the hell do I think I am? Bloody hell. Part of the problem with the world today - so damned caught up in the precision of speech that we can't sift though the nonsense. I guess I'm guilt of that at times - but that's usually done when I'm attempting to be evasive. And usually by then people get so caught up in what I'm saying they forot why I even said it and the situation has been sucessfully defused. Done and done. Sometimes it's just better that way, know what I mean? Yea, I think we all do. All that aside, I worry about losing some of these people, while others, well others I worry about how they'll spend their time away *shudder* I don't know. But hey, whatever - not much I can do and as the song goes "que sera, sera." Still just wondering how I'll try to slowly introduce August as a month of opportunity when, even if I could, the question would still remain; to what end? I suppose there would be some who'd appreciate a two-day-a-week relationship... who knows. But as my Poopaw use to say "always test the waters before you jump in"... or at least something like that... *shifty eyes* Whatever, the point is time. Let this be my advice to all of you - never try to advance a timetable beyond it's limits; you'll end up making a huge mistaken. But hey, don't take my word for it, I mean, this is coming from the guy who waits for everything and ends up not only missing the moment, but shooting himself in the foot; TWICE. *smiles widely* Could be worse though: I could actually believe that I stand a chance. It's all gravy baby. I'll always have my poopaw... On second thought, let's stop mentioning him because I'm pretty sure that I'm infringing on some copyrights somewhere (namely homestarrunner.com) But what're the chances that they'll actually press charges? Ha, speaking of chances. Odd how it fit so nicely into the content of this entry eh? Who'd a thunk it? Not I says I. "And in the night we'll wish this never ends We'll wish this never ends... ..." Playing the odds, - Captain B. Hesitating