*Stumbles through the door* So, I started to re-read all of my entries at 11:16 and got to about the beginning of Feburary - 04. I just don't have the time, but I started to recapture some of my more meaningful memories from yesteryears. In essence, it's reminded me of a few things that I'd forgotten while writing over these years. I realized that come December, it'll be my anniversary with the company. I remembered that one of the reasons why I started this was to be able to look back. And that I kept on doing it for notonly myself but for you also - "50/50," as I put it. Who'd have thunk it eh? I'm starting to feel a little old... really old. I mean, sure I have pre-arthritic joints, but I'm not talking bodily limitations. Have you ever looked back into the years and overlooked everything that's gone on? I mean, sure maybe some of you are too young to do that and get a full effect, but have you ever stepped back, looked back and thought "I've seen so much." Only to be followed by "but it seems so 'insignificant next to the power of the force?'" But seriously now folks, have you ever stood in awe at the things you've privy to only to subsequently negate its greatness by comparing it to the rest of the world? I have... or at least began to, but instead opted against reliving every moment of that past, due to time constraints. But think about it. Look at the stories your parents tell you of when they were younger - imagine the wealth of memories they must possess. And you know that you'll have that kind of memory, but have you ever wondered if you'll remember the things that you remember now - that you've continued to remember for two, three years, or if it'll just be the larger, more significant things. I mean, take for example, I clearly remember a conversation I had with a person five years ago; remember it almost word-for-word. It's still a part of my memory system because I haven't had many of the big things happen to me yet; full post-secondary education, marriage, children, divorce, remarriage, deaths, career(s). I don't know about you, but I know that my memory can only handle so much and then, like a pre-1993 computer, I have to start deleting information; the unused and corrupted files. As it is, most of my childhood is missing and I've already gotten rid of most of the in-depth infomation pertaining to my ex's, 'cause we all know that relationships take up a lot of space. I can't remember the day to day happenings, because those are mostly mundane, but you know the other occurances that aren't pinnacle, but have some kind of meaning to you? Yea, those are the ones that I don't want to lose mostly because they're more numerous than the occurances that mean a whole lot and because those experiences are what, for me anyway, form the 'comfortable.' But I'm thinking that it's that way for a lot of people. Not much that "it's the little things" because those "little things" tend to be the things that we remember because it was so random and because of that, at the time, we assigned it a high rank and refuse to demote it with the passage of time. I'm talking about the moments that take about two point five minutes to dig up (without encouragement) and by the time you remember it you're as satisfied that you could remember it due of the amount of effort it took to remember as you are because of the inherent pleasure you derive from the experience, in and of itself. Those are the ones I'm talking about I'm not sure what'll happen to those and those are what really put me at ease because I an relate to them. I mean, how often does the perfect situations occur, or how often do just the right words come out of your mouth that makes everybody feel good and can be defined as a superior moment? I don't know about you, but they're few and far in between, let me tell ya. I mean, I'm just as witty as the next guy, but superior moments, I think not. I'm telling ya - it's the mediocre moments that make life, life. I suppose that it could be argued that we forget our old mediocre moments and replace them current/ new medicore moments so that it's always changing, while the superior moments are those which stay with us forever... or until we develop a condition related to old-age. But if that's the case, than really aren't we always changing what we define as comfortable and ultimately the ordinary? I guess that that's part of the equation, part of the reason that some of us change in what seems like regular intervals while others change progressively; some do collections and then massive clearings while others let it happen gradually over time. Perks to both, but it's really a personal thing. I guess I'm progressive because slowly my youth went from being a distant memory to a seldom told tale by others ending in me not believing my ears. Odd how things work out eh? I guess this train of thought started when I remembered the entry "Trapdoors" yesterday. I started thinking about someone whom I haven't seen in three months, haven't talked to in close to eight. And when I started thinking about... *clears throat* said person, my mind eventually rolled around to the trapdoors entry because it was a conversation that I remember having close to two years ago - seems like longer though, particularly with the whole school year versus lunar year conundrum. Then I really started thinking about the memories we'd had 'together' and realized that they probably meant more to me than to said person. Not as if I was romantically interested in her, but it was different, it was... special because, we understoood each other and she actually cared. Of course said person is Ms. Popularity for various reasons, so we didn't talk as often as either one of us would have liked. But again, it's these... faded memories, if you will, that really let me look and recognize what it is that I'm not only comfortable with, but remember a time when things were different; a time of comfortability, innocence and simplicity. A time when... ... a time. Naturally that stirred up different occurances over the years that fit the same criterion and that's when it all came to me. Of course, this could all be wrong, which it probably is; but what if I'm right... or somewhat right? I don't know I really just started thinking about the past, a past that's different from the one I usually contemplate and it was interesting because again, in a couple of decades, will I remember these same moments that bring a warped form of quaintness into my life right now? Or will I forever forget these faded memories that bring me so much joy? I shudder to think of how things will turn out because it's one of many things that you can never be too sure about due to the lack of control. I just worry that when my ideas and thoughts relating to days of ole change - to what is presently be my future - that I won't be able to feel the same sense of gratification that I do now. I just find it difficult to be able to project how you'll see the past in the future. I just really got to wondering how it'll all work once we get older and change is all. Sure new memories are great, but if we forget what's gotten us by in the past, aren't we in a sense forgetting who we really are because it's those moments that's, in part, made us who we are? You tell me. Trappingly, - Captain B. Bacardio