Greetings, I'm feeling a little beaten up, but not in the way that I ought to be. I should be tired by now, see, I'm at hour 46 on only two hours sleep. I guess I'll wait until tomorrow night, working until twelve. One of the many perks is that I don't have to withstand another bloody hour of sunday mass. Oh well, I guess it'll be interesting to see how things work out for the next two months or so. But none of that has to do with the mood I'm in right now, so I'll just fast-forward through all... most... no, some of the nonsense and cut straight to the storyline. So my mother and I developed a week by week plan on the most efficient way to decorate the house this year so that my father and I don't freeze our gonads off. I started to unpack some of the stuff for a section o the house and went about the business of placing thing where they had been last year - consequently, where we thought they looked best given the space and item. Whilst going about my business, it occurred to me that Christmas had over the years, simply become less and less to me. I don't mean this in the, you know, -oh-look, I'm-fifteen-years-older-and-it-doesn't-have-the-same-magic-as-it-did-when-I-was-three- way, I mean it in the sense that it barely means anything to me kind of way. There's a part of me that enjoys it, but there's an portion of me that's three times larger that wouldn't mind if it was swept away under the rug forever and ever and it I wouldn't care much. I mean, look at the people who start their christmas shopping at the beginning of November... what?!?! To most of those people it appears to the rest of us as though christmas is mandatory chore, so they start to accomplish their task gradually, over an extended period of time so that it doesn't hurt as much. Don't get me wrong, some people do it for financial reasons and I say more power to ya because I know what it's like to be on a budget, of any kind and know of this impending expense. For those people it's completely different, but don't tell me that all of these people do it because they're trying to spread around their dollars. Poppycock! And then when they finish before december sixth even rolls around, you get them asking "So, have you finished your christmas shopping?" You know, when they ask you with that smug look on their face, trying to rub in the fact that they don't have to beat up old ladies for gifts that'll be forgotten six months into the year. That's also about the same time that I want to say "No, I have not started, but unlike your dumbass, I won't over spend my money because we both know that you'll get caught up in the late-christmas marketing schemes and'll wind up buying more than you should have. Whereas I won't, because not only will I no have the money by the time I'm done, but if I do, I'll swear off of buying anything for the next two months, including food so that my wallet can recover!" Yea. But I usually feel sorry for that person, so I laugh off the question and lie with an "I'm almost done." But that's just the tip of my thoughts, I mean, Christmas has become more of a reason for me to practice my strategic sensibility than anything else. That's all I see it as, been in the making for afew years now. Don't confuse the notion with the sentiment of 'finding the perfect gift,' because although I dispise being a poor-gifter, I've easily concluded that unless the person means the world - I mean the WORLD to you, don't even bother trying to hunt down that perfect gift becuase chances are that they have something like it, or it'll be interpreted with the wrong light... but I guess if the gift comes off too strong, than it wouldn't be the perfect gift. Of course, you as the gifter may think it's appropriate given how you feel for the person, but what if the friendship doesn't mean as much to said person? Yea. So really, don't even bother with the 'perfect' gift - go for the 'good,' 'thoughtful,' or 'useful' 'gift,' trust me here folks. But back to what I was saying, I was thinking how it was really no more than a collection of missions for me, just things I have to navigate through in order to get to the end and declare myself a genius. And then it hit me while I was shaping the garland for the mantle - I've reduced christmas to what it translated into for me. Then I started wondering when the hell it was in my life that I aquired the idiocy that enabled me ruin christmas, for myself. Even I can't fully put it together, but I'm torn between these two worlds of harsh reality - A spade is a spade and nothing more, and head in the clouds. And no, I'm not bipolar, I'm just stuck between dreaming and wakefulness. Maybe I ought to become a seer or something? Big money in that - assuming you get a loyal customer base. But this whole Christmas thing is getting to me. I'll start the bulk of my shopping come December five - seems resonable enough. Twenty days, less a few exams - almost three full weeks, so I'm in good shape. But no sooner than I had finished the last piece of garland, something else struck me, and it stuck with me all throughout dinner - still is on my mind, and I know it may be hard to believe, but it could very well have been the driving force of this entire entry - soon to be overshadowed by an observation I feel ought to be put out there. What I had to square with is that I'll be alone again this year. Not in the sense that I won't have anywhere to go come the twenty-fifth... although the usual plans in itself can barely be considered with people. I guess it counts if your body is there, even if your heart and mind aren't eh? All that aside, I'm talking about relationship - single christmas number nineteen, single new years number nineteen as well, and no it's not a mistake in relation to my age, think about it. Think it'll be awhile 'til the magic works itself back into my life, and if it does, it'll have to be through the fact that I'm experiencing something new - like spending part of my christmas with that special someone. And no, I refuse to get comfotable and create those kinds of memories in a relationship that only exists vicariously through a friendship. It's just all so... whatever. In relation to this, Im slowly starting to get a theory going on how people who ACTUALLY timeline their futures, timeline their futures. Seems to me that these people'll put an EMPHASIS on whatever area of life they're less successful/ exerienced in - or to a lesser extent, on whatever area they're least sure of. For some people, it's a matter of starting a famliy, buying the house, et cetera. For others, they got a mini-plan of how their career'll play out, where they want to be and how they want to be doing what they're doing. And yet some plan it in terms of their future aquisitions. I just find it funny is all. I mean, it's way too early to call this theory conclusive, but I've got some good things going here. I think after I'm done this, I'll conduct an adjoining, yet discreet examination on if these same people use the same criteria to mark their past experiences, or if there's at least a pattern on how they bookmark the past. I think I'll be interested in this one. But I shall now return from my little featurette to the main attraction - or at least where I need my attention to be, for the time being. Ever just want to be taken, or take someone skating just because, do the whole random romantic thing for a day or entire weekend, in the winter just because? If you've actually experienced it, I feel that I must advise you to hold on to that feeling, to those feelings, because the truth is that you never know; even if you now loathe the other, you can still treasure the feeling and not the memory; don't even think of the memory. *ponders* If you can successfully accomplish that, you must share with me how it is possible. For some reason I've really been worried about my future. Not in the usual relationship way, that I've decided I'll always have a knack for. I mean, if I can trick a person into actually marrying me, the rest'll work itself out in the end, I'm convinced. I'm just worried about the little things, and everybody says the usual, you know, the whole "you'll do just fine," but what about finances; what if I screw my whole family into debit? What if I die early without being able to provide for them in death? Would I ever make a good father? I know some think it's stupid to be thinking about it, while other consider it such questions without merit on the basis that it's impossible to know, thus why worry? Is this what growing up is suppose to really be like? Worrying about things you can't control? 'Cause if that's the case then we'd all have been, in a sense, grown up ever since grade six when we worried for a week who'll ask us to dance at the dance and if you'll get the chance to kiss amanda or lindsay, samuel or richard. Remember those days? And no, I'm not hinting at any homo or bisexuality, but if that's the case for you than that's alright to. I suppose what makes the lines distinctionly bold are the subjects of which we worry. I mean, shouldn't I be worrying about these things just before I get married, or while I'm (not litereally) having my first child? But then again, I am prone to having rediculous trains of thought, just look at all my entries for the past year, how frightening *shudder* I think I may be starting to lose my Captain-ness.... is thatpossible. To lose the essense of what you once were, while still being who you are? I suppose it's just a matter of gradual Metamorphosis, know what I mean? So 'person A,' starts to change and incorporate other things into herself, then here comes a point whereby said person's essence is as much A as B, and than we start to see the decline of A up to a point whereby the essence of 'person A' is now B, thereby constituting the change of title from 'person A' to 'person B.' I know that made sense on some plain. Maybe I am changing a little, becoming a little less patient with the usual suspects around me everyday. Should learn to fight the temptation in a better sense, or I shall surely fall from my platform, which admittedly is not all that elevated off the ground. I should also learn to fight the temptation to believe that not only do I have reason to get, but a valid idea for a tatoo... but alas, I fear the worse. What else is new, eh? And now, for some reason I want to talk about John Locke, but even the mentioning of the idea violates the fact that I should regress to a time where I screened my ideas before saying them with more care. Maybe they'll be thrusted back upon me in a moment of humility. I just hope it happens sooner rather than later because I know I could use a good wallop. Retreatingly, - Captain B. Nign