Well yesterday Ron picked me up and we went to his house...(first time I've ever been there.) His dogs are sooo cute they were like jumping all over me...he lead me upstairs to a room. He locked the dogs out. Here I'm thinking that this is his room I'm in...I could've sworn he told me it was too. It turned out to be his little brother Zach's room (yes we fucked on his little brothers bed but I didn't know until after the fact). Well as usual he's always all over me kissing me hugging me and shit. Then he tries to go further I tried stopping him cause I didn't want to cheat on Shaun again but like I don't know whenever I'm with Ron it's like I can't say no and keep it at that. I just fall in love with him all over again when I'm around him I just don't understand it. Don't get me wrong but I love Shaun with all my heart it's just that a girl has needs and no I'm not talking about sex. But what I am talking about is that I need somone to be there and Shaun he's just never there. And I'm not used to the fact of being with someone who doesn't even love me yet...it just makes me feel so awkward. I mean here is a guy who I'm going out with, who's overprotective of me, who gets mad at me whenever I hang out with my ex Ron, someone that whenever I'm around him he's like the sweetest most loveable guy, someone I almost had sex with...but he doesn't "fall in love right away." I just don't understand it, everything is so confusing. I like being with Ron but I don't want to leave Shaun cause I like being with him too...I know if I left Shaun that he would like hate me forever and I would most likely never see him and his friends again...I'm not using the boy at all it's just that I'm so overly attached to him I would be devastated if that were to happen. But then there's Ron...who is there for me...who I see more than Shaun...who loves me so much...who thinks me and him will be married someday. But I did leave Ron for a reason. That reason was cause of him lieing to me about the smallest stupidest things ever, but lately I don't think I've caught him in a lie yet. And his friends seem to be off my ass lately thank God. I don't know what to do it's just that I have such strong feelings for so many people I confuse myself so much to the point I don't know what is true anymore. Then there's Jimmy G. Yeah he was an online boyfriend that I very rarely talked to on the phone. I've know him for 2 years and went out with him for over a year. He knows me better than anybody else in this world. The beginning of the relationship was the greatest thing in the world and then it slowly had gotten worse...with his constant drinking and him always trying to kill himself. It had gotten so bad that we were both tearing each other apart...we both would try to kill ourselves. The fights would get so bad we wouldn't talk for like weeks or even block each other. But yet I loved him with all my heart and still do to this very day. And the whole thing with Ron coming into my life made things even worse cause I fell for him. But October 30th 2003 was the last day I was with Jimmy G. He went out with other girls told me he was going to come back to me soon. He never did. Then he changed even more than I thought possible. Yeah he slowed down on the drinking but then he started doing pot. He's become so into himself proud that he can get ass from like all these girls and then shares all this with me like I want to know but I don't. Before I started going out with Shaun when I was with Ron...Jimmy G wanted me to come back to him...but something deep down inside told me I wasn't ready to...I couldn't put us through all that pain again...it told me to wait...to wait until we're both ready...until things had gotten better. I still love him so much...he was my first true love...but now lately he's just become worse like I don't even know him anymore. I try to be there for him and help him but it just doesn't seem to work anymore. But he is one person that I could never give up on no matter how bad the situation can be. Then there is Jack. My bestest guy friend. Ron's best friend. That's how I met him...through Ron. He is also an ex boyfriend for like 4 days. Someone who has always been there for me...someone who never gave up on me no matter what I was going through. If it weren't for him I wouldn't be alive so many times cause he has talked me out of killing myself. He was always there when I needed someone to talk to, he was always there to listen and to give me advice. I could always have a good laugh and have fun with him...whether it be online, on the phone, or in person. He used to love me back then when we were going out for those 4 days, had feelings for me. But now only loves me as a friend...but even that makes me feel like I'm on top of the world just knowing I have such a great friend. But sometimes he can get so angry with me that he'll block me saying that he's never going to talk to me again...walking out of my life...but it's mostly my fault cause of how I look at things in this world so negatively how I always give up on everything when he's just trying to help me out. And I really am thankful that he tries to help me that he's there for me. I'm crying right now as I'm typing this out cause I miss Jack so much I just feel so alone right now without him in my life. Right now he has me blocked not wanting to talk to me anymore cause of my selfishness and how stupid I can be. Looking back on all our memories and fun times we had makes me miss him more and more each day knowing I can't do anything to make him talk to me again. And if he ever reads this I just want you to know that I'm really sorry and that I never meant for any of this shit to happen. I love you so much Jack. You're my best friend that I thought I would never have. You have made such a big impact on my life that I'll never be the same. I thank you so much for being there for me when no one else was. I just wish you had the heart to forgive me :'( I really like you. I just want you to know I want you in my life. Never letting you go. From now until forever. If you just give me a chance I'll always be there for you. Right by your side, to love and to guard to protect and guide. There's a place in my heart, where you'll always be for as long as I live and even eternity. You are a good friend who will never be replaced anytime I was feeling down you put a smile on my face. So remember this always to forever be true know in your heart I'll always be with you! I dedicate that poem to my best friend Jack!