Well this is perfect both my parents are off this week. Already their screaming and fighting and shit. But other than that it was pretty cool. My dad kept bugging my mom so she started beating on him and I started punching him in the arm real hard and he threw his steel toed boot at me but he missed haha! Then I started punching him again and he chased me all over the house and I went out in the porch and tried to hold the door closed but he opened it and came after me and like pried my mouth open shoving his smelly socks in my mouth...YUCK! Just got off the phone with Megan...some weird shit is going on...between Mike and Sarah...I really need to talk to Mike and find out what is wrong with him...he's been acting really fucking weird lately. I'm so like lost and confused...last night this kid Frankie IM'd me out of no where...one of Jack's friends...he said he wanted to chill with me and go out with me etc. But then later on tonight I found out he didn't really like me he just wanted to see if I would say I would fuck him...asshole. Then Jack unblocked me not quite sure why though cause he never IM'd me or anything. Jack has another girlfriend from what I've read...congratulations! I'm happy for him I really am it's just I don't know...I guess I'm jealous...I get jealous over every guy I like that's with someone else. Things were so much easier back when we were little and guys had "cooties" haha. But yeah anyways my summer has been a total bummer this year. Everyone is always mad at me. And I only saw my boyfriend 2 times this summer that's it 2 times...how fucking sad is that. Here I am thinking oh yay I get to spend so much time with my boyfriend all summer yet I'm sitting here on my lazy ass doing absolutely nothing. I also thought I would be hanging out with Jack alot this summer too since I don't see him that much...but nope he's fucking mad at me like always. Thought Jimmy G was going to come down and see me like he said he was...but nope he never did...what else is new. Also thought I'd spend more time with the family but actually my family just grew apart even more. Thought I would be driving alot too but nope my brother doesn't have any time to take me out. My sister is about to have her baby in like 2 days...I can't wait...I don't know if it's a boy or girl yet...it's going to be my 3rd time being an aunt :) I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what my heart wants anymore either. It's going to be 4 months that me and Shaun have been going out in like 4 days. I really miss Shaun alot. All our fun times together. It's all played back in my head perfectly over and over again. I miss what it was like to actually have fun. I miss being in his arms, kissing him, cuddling with him, him teasing me all the time lol but now their all like memories...pictures in my head...all I see is his smile and his blue eyes. My adrenaline is always going in such a rush when I'm around him cause he's just an exciting person to be around. I remember the day we met like it was yesterday. It was like one of the best days in my life. The day that someone great came into my life. I look at the picture of me and him all the time and cry remembering the good times. He's a really good person...someone who was there protecting and looking out for me, thinking of what's best. And here I'm being such a bitch and asshole cheating on him. I know that it's my fault for why I don't see Shaun. And I hate myself for it, I hate that I'm such a horrible person...such a horrible girlfriend. People sit back and watch thinking that they know what I'm going through...but they don't. They will never understand. I wish I could just go back in time and fix everything but I can't. I've been so caught up in my own feelings that I don't give the time to think about other people's feelings. I'm emotionally unstable I can't handle these situations without panicing. I wish you could just like somehow know who you're meant to be with, it would be so much easier, less painful, and less confusing. I don't understand why they choose me...why all the guys want to go out with me...what is so great about me? Absolutely nothing. I can't stand the fact that I love so many people, I really can't, but I can't do anything about it. I've never felt so comfortable around a guy in my whole entire life until I met Shaun. I used to be the most shyest person ever but when he came into my life it's just like I've known him forever. I feel so safe in his arms like no one can ever hurt me. But I hate being alone. That's all it ever is now...me...alone. What really hurts the most is Jack not being in my life anymore. The worst thing that could ever happen is to lose a good friend. I loved being in his arms. Sure we beat up on each other alot but it's all fun and games. He's someone I can always have fun with. We get into so many fights it's unbelievable. Jack is the funniest person I know. To tell you the truth Jack is the kind of guy that I've always dreamed of having...like his personality is just perfect and I find him attractive so that makes it even better. No matter how much he can possibly hate me I will always love him with all my heart. He's like my guardian angel that looks after me. Wow I remember like almost 2 years ago I hated his guts, thought he was the biggest asshole ever...but as time flew by...I just became to like him more and more. I wish he could understand how I feel about him and how much it hurts without him in my life. Whenever I was sad or upset Jack was there to put a smile on my face. He was a loyal friend. Hardly ever lied to me at all. Whenever Ron did something behind my back Jack would tell me about it. Jack was always there to help. He stood up for my ass alot of times too. Last Valentine's Day was so lonely but Jack promised me that he would make it better...he came over that night...and gave me a hug...I had like the biggest smile on my face. One night a few months ago Jack, Ron, Ryan and PJ came over when Megan was over my house...they were all hanging around Ron's car trying to get Megan out cause they had to go. Jack came up to me and gave me a hug goodbye...and the next thing I knew he kissed me on the cheek...I totally did not expect that...I was like in shock...in another world...but then I kissed him on the cheek back. I had like the biggest smile on my face. That was probably one of my most happiest days yet. One of those days I wish I still had now. I know I told him that he made these past 2 years a living hell for me...but really he didn't...he made these past 2 years great. I'm nothing without Jack. A part of me is gone and I won't move on. It feels like the end of the world has come. Now that Jack is gone I have no one to run to...it's so hard. It's one chance in your lifetime to prove yourself and I completely blew it. Everything I ever had is just slipping away through my fingers. So much shit is going through my head, it feels like it's about to explode. Jack you were the only one who was truly there for me, the only one who would actually put up with my bullshit, the only one who could talk me out of killing myself. I'm still here today because of you. If I had a choice between my life before I met you or right now you never wanting to talk to me again...I would pick right now...cause I would know you, I would be able to look back on all the memories of us...and know that there are some decent guys in this world after all. It's all my fault...I made you hate me, I made you stop talking to me...I'm the one who made my life a living hell. I'm sorry that I give you an attitude when you try to talk to me. I was wrong you aren't just any guy you do mean the world to me, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. I never meant to be a complete asshole and bitch to you. I'm sorry for always correcting you and shit. You were right you are the only one who ever really wanted to help me and I didn't believe you cause of I'm so fucking stupid to see it. You were right all along...and for me to find that out...I had to lose you. I regret everything stupid hurtful thing I ever said or did to you. You changed my outlook on life...but yet I still can't be happy...because you're gone. You're not a bad kid at all Jack, it's just really hard for me to trust someone after all the shit I've been going through all my life. But now I know that I can trust you. And I'm going to try to make things better...in hope that you will be my friend again...cause Jack...I need you so much...I miss you buddy. I'm not even going to try to kill myself. I stopped that because I made a promise to you that I wouldn't do that anymore...and I'm going to keep my promise. You told me to be me...not like my parents...you're right about that too...why would anyone want to be like their parents? After all the times I've treated like shit so badly I don't understand why you would want to try to help me...but I thank you so much I'm really grateful that you cleared things up for me. I know you're never coming back. So many things remind me of you. Yeah you're right...I do have Shaun and Ron...but I still need you Jack. You were my best friend, that's why I need you...not the past tense needed...but need as in I still do cause you were there for me more than most. You may not realize this now but girlfriends are not always going to be there for you...but true friends will. And I will always be here for you no matter what...because I care about you so much...more than you know. If I had one wish...that I could have anything I ever wanted...I wouldn't make the wish for Shaun...I would make the wish for you...not to have you as a friend to get you talking to me again...but for you to be happy forever to have a great life...as a reward for all the nice things you've done for me. I love you. ~^~Never shall he be forgotten~^~