Alright well I thought I might as well explain my whole life so everyone has an idea of what this shit is really about, and plus I'm bored out of my mind its 12:30am... Well it all started when I was born on May 6, 1987. My dad's mother named me...before she died she asked my dad if he ever had another daughter to name her Pamela Jean...cause she never had a daughter of her own...when I was born...my dad looked up and said "here is your beautiful daughter you've always wanted mom". I never met my dad's parents cause they died before I was born. I was a really happy baby...loved by my whole family and friends of the family. Saw alot of my family all the time. I lived in a quiet neighborhood on Mystic Port Rd. In Toms River, NJ. My Uncle Billy, Aunt Pat, and cousin Krystal lived on the same street as us. I saw my grandparents alot cause they lived really close by...5 minute drive down the highway. Both my parents had really good paying jobs so I could get whatever I wanted. Lived with my mom, dad, my sister Beverly, and my brother Greg (only when he was back from leave)...he was in the army or some shit like that...Desert Storm. I was a mischievious baby...always getting into things...lol I was even beating up my sister back then. Haha once I drank a big bottle of my mom's perfume and she called 911 but they told her it wasn't harmful...they said I was just completely fucking trashed...drunk as a skunk. I was like 3 when that happened lol. When I was 5 I had alot of friends...90% of them were guys. Jimmy my bestest friend who lived next door. We were crazy about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles lol. And then there was my other best friend Chris and his little brother Jason. Once I was standing behind Chris and he swung the baseball bat directly at my face (not on purpose) and I was bleeding like crazy. One time when I was 5...my sister was babysitting me and I climbed up on my toybox and leaned against the window and I fell out the window the whole thing came out...I wasn't hurt though...but I had detectives at my house wondering what the fuck happened lol. I was always getting hurt but I have never broken a bone in my body...very strange. I remember this middle school boy came after me with a huge ass chain once that was scary as hell. Then there was my friend Ashley...she was fucking awesome man. I learned how to ride a 2 wheel bike at the age of 6 without adults...just Ashley lol she dared me to get on it. I was in kindergarten at 5...had to repeat it though cause I wasn't like the other kids that went to pre-school. I had alot of other friends too but don't really remember them that well it's been so long. Used to go on vacation all the time...went to Georgia to see my brother and his stupid jet (saw scary crocodiles in the lagoons too). Went to Maryland...all kinds of places. I used to fight iwith my sister like crazy though...I was cursing at the age 5, I called her an asshole and she told on me...meanie lol. But I had the best relationship with my brother Greg and my neice Melissa...yes she is older than I am my family is really fucked up and old lol. Then Jonathan my nephew came into the picture...once he bit me on my stomach...so weird lol. Also when I was 5 I got my first pet...a parakeet named Benji. Taught him how to talk...he was always out of the cage sitting on my head or my shoulder talking in my ear...he would fetch a little ball too lol...alot like a dog. Family would get together on holidays...and have friends of the family come over too...my Uncle Tommy was like rich he bought me the neatest things in the world. Jimmy moved away to Florida when I was like 6...I was very depressed. There was Lisa one of my best friends...and me and older brother Wayne liked each other so we were I guess "going out". Age 7...beginning of the 1st grade year...one day I came home from school...my mom told me that she had something to tell me...that's when my whole entire life changed right then and there...she told me my grandmother died and that we had to move in with my grandfather to take care of him cause he had alseimers. I just broke down and cried histerically...my life was never going to be the same again...I loved my grandmother so much and missed her dearly. That day came when the funeral was happening...I was in my room all day and night crying...wishing I could bring her back...wishing I could have at least said goodbye to her. Soon after we were packing to move and I had to say goodbye to all of my friends...depressing...had to switch to a new school in the middle of the school year...went from Cedar Grove Elementary to Hooper Avenue Elementary. When we moved in with my grandfather it was like hell...none of us could stand him...cause of the alseimers...it was so annoying. All my friends were afraid of him. My sister's best friend Kurt brought over his pitbull one day...very friendly dog...I was playing around with her and she likes to chew on people's hair so she was chewing on my hair but she accidentally got ahold of my ear lobe...so that's when all the gushing blood started...my mom took me to the emergency room to get my ear lobe stitched back on basically...I still have the scar to prove it...I was scared shitless man I never seen so much blood before and it hurt like a bitch too. Well anyway I made new friends...first one became my boyfriend...Greg. We eventually "broke up". Had alot of guy friends again. Met Jess T, Allison, Jen, Alicia, Jess R...those were all the girls I became friends with. Then these 3 boys moved in across the street so I was friends with them until they moved away. Then there was Mike...one day I was chilling with him and his older brother Joe who was in high school...Joe's friend Mike was over...well his friend led me into the shed...and he molested me...so I basically never trusted a guy again. I was pretty popular in elementary...then it gradually became worse...I became like an outcast. In 2nd grade I fell for this boy named Corey...he didn't really notice me...I liked him all the way up to 6th grade. In 3rd and 4th grade I was "going out" with the most popular kid in that grade...Donovan...we broke up when 5th grade came around cause he kissed some other girl and I got pissed but he tried apologizing. Then he moved away. He gave me a kiss and hug goodbye. I was always being made fun of in school. I was a good student. But I was a pretty bad kid though...knew alot about sex and some serious profanity at a real young age lol. I met Alyssa in like the 4th grade she was from Brick...it was fun chilling with her but then she moved. Then in 5th grade came Aiksha...best friends with her but that faded when middle school came unfortunately...she became popular and I became a loser. Oh yeah since we had to move in with my grandfather my mom had to quit her job to take care of him...so there was alot less money...which really sucked balls. Last day of 6th grade came and the buses pulled away...I started crying histerically knowing I was never going to walk those halls again. My grandfather had a health aid...I became best friends with her. Not too long after my grandfather was put in the hospital cause he had a stroke he was in there for probably 2 months. Then they transferred him into a nursing home. 3 days after they transferred him there...he died. That's when my family completely fell apart. My Uncle Billy basically tried getting my grandfather's house that we were living in and throw us out on the streets or some shit. But we got the whole morgage thing paid off...so now we don't even speak to them anymore. After my grandfather died...the health aid (Donna) she wouldn't come to the house anymore cause she was too upset about my grandfather being gone...I miss her so much. When I was like 9 I got a dog...Shetland Sheepdog...Rexy (so cute). When I was 10...my parakeet Benji died...5 days before Christmas...he was like 5 1/2 years old...I was devestated...it was the shittiest Christmas ever. I was so depressed I loved that bird to death. Not too long after that my Uncle Larry died. So now my Aunt Ann is alone alot. And when I was 9 I met my Uncle Donny, Aunt Becky and my two cousins Mike and Cassandra for the first time ever in my life...cause they live in Minnesota. I haven't seen them since...but it was great when they were here. Aunt Harold and Aunt Judy live in Florida so I only saw them like 2 or 3 times all my life. 7th grade came...that was a shitty year. Then 8th grade came...I finally got my own computer then. So Alicia introduced me to AIM...talked to this kid Mike Stanley...went out with him online for like a week that didn't work out...then I met this other kid Steve Monteforte...went out with him for like 6 months broke up with him August 2002 cause he had like 5 other online girlfriends...I used to call him alot but that stopped when the relationship stopped. That year I met my best friend Megan and her older brother Robin...who eventually moved behind me :) Last day of 8th grade when buses pulled away I cried histerically cause I was going to miss all my friends that weren't going to the same high school as me and all the awesome teachers too. Then Freshman year came...I met this guy Jake...he was a Junior at the time...Alicia hooked me up with him behind my back so I went out with him for like 9 days. I'm still made fun about it but oh well shit happens. Then I started going out with Jimmy G...(online)...talked to him on the phone too though. First guy I ever fell in love with...true love...still love him to this very day...best days of my life. That relationship lasted a little bit over a year on and off...but that relationship tore us apart like hell...he was an alcoholic...he used to try to kill himself and so did I...I started cutting alot...did it on cam in front of Jimmy G once and he freaked out. It was like the most depressing time of my life when I just wanted to die and never be alive ever again. I began getting eating disorders too...I would go days without eating. My dad is an alcoholic too. He always drove home drunk from the hub and American Legion etc. It was his like 3rd offense...so he got his license taken away for 10 years...cause he got in an accident. So instead of him going to jail he had to go to rehab as an inpatient for a month and be an outpatient for like a few more months...when my dad was gone for that month it was so depressing I missed him so fucking much. And all the letters I would read from him...I would burst out crying it hurt so much. And he still gets drunk to this day :( I fell for this kid in school Frank...stalked him and shit all the time...but yeah last few days of the Freshman year when Alicia told him that I liked him...he asked Alicia for my number and she gave it to him...but he never called me...asshole...his friends give me dirty looks all the time now. Anyways...in like December in my Freshman year...I met this kid online that I had his screen name written down on a piece of paper that I had for like over a year and I found it behind my dresser so I decided to IM him...his name was Ron Corduan. I hooked him up online with my friend Alicia...that didn't work out...so I hooked him up with my friend Megan. They went out for like a week. But the day she was meeting him was New Year's Eve...so I got to meet him too. When he walked in through Megan's door she looked down at the floor all disappointed...I thought they looked cute together. But she completely ignored him all night basically. They were playing video games while I was playing around with Jimmy G's chain necklace I bought him. Then Megan took a big gulp of Apple Cider and Ron was like "don't spill that on me" and she looked at him and spit it all over him...it was hilarious. So he chased her around the house and sat on her on the bed lol. Alicia and her friend came to meet him too...Robin (Megan's older brother) met him too...it was really interesting. The whole night everyone was ignoring him...when we were walking around the neighborhood at night everyone was walking ahead...I was the only one walking and talking to him...I felt really bad...but I never knew I was going to fall for him hard...but that wasn't until 2 months later. So I hooked him back up with Alicia again but that didn't last. Then Ron gave Megan's screen name to his best friend Jack...so Megan and Jack started liking each other always talking on the phone...I hated his guts though...I thought he was an asshole. But then something happened one of their friends Andrew started shit with Megan and she started hating all of them...(their all from Brick). February 10th 2003 came...the day I told Ron that I liked him...they day I broke up with Jimmy G for the first time. The day I started going out with Ron. It was funny I screamed at him in the phone "because I fucking like you damnit!" lmao. That's when it went completely downhill with Jimmy G...alot more fights...alot more cutting...alot more drinking (for him anyway)...but I constantly went back and forth between Ron and Jimmy G. February 21st 2003 was when Ron came to my house and met my parents...scary...first time I hooked up with a guy too :) Well anyway the last day I was going out with Jimmy G was on Halloween he broke up with me and went out with some other girl...told me he was going to come back to me soon but he never did. But that summer when Freshman year was done...I started liking Ron's best friend Jack...became best friends with him...actually met him too...chilled a bunch of times. I kept going through so much bullshit with all my friends and all the guys...so many fights and shit. That summer I found out that one of my good friends died a year or 2 ago during operation and no one ever fucking told me...I was depressed like hell. I miss you Brian... R.I.P. I love you buddy. You were the greatest! Sophomore year came...it was the greatest school year of my life. I started to like this really hot guy named Jim Johnson...to me he looked alot like Jack. He was like perfect...he was so sweet and kind and caring to other girls...very polite...but he didn't like me cause my friend Linda...who he likes...tried hooking me up with him :( March of this year rolled around...I was talking to this guy for months online and his name is Sean Cristy. Decided to meet up with him and I went out with him for like a week I think. But we stayed friends and he took to the "Battle Of The Bands" at his school...(north)...that was fucking awesome...then he took me to see a play at his school too...which was awesome cause we kept ditching Jen (my best friend at the time)...Anyways his friend JD was pretty cool cute and funny but I later found out how much of an asshole he is through Linda...he's like obsessed over her. Anyways...one day Sean came over when Megan was at my house and we were kidding around with him...wrestling and shit. But then he started talking mad shit about Megan's brother so I slapped him in the face and he wound up punching me in the face and it all continued for like 2-3 hours outside...I was beaten the shit out of...but I was still standing in the end...Megan through mud all over his car cause he just like washed it recently lol. I told Linda about it cause she knows him too...she wrote all over his car in lipstick sayin "you fuck with my friend again I'll kill you" and she put hot sauce in his food lmao! But before that whole fight I wound up losing my virginity to that fucking asshole! He was using me for ass. Me, Sean and Alicia played a joke on my best friend Jen...but it was mainly Sean's and Alicia's I just went along with it, but she wound up getting mad at me and not Alicia. So I told her off and told her how she's changed so much. She was my best friend...someone I would run to whenever I had a problem or when I was upset. Her family loved me too and I loved them. But then she started hanging out with the wrong people...they got her into drinking and smoking...and she started dressing all gangster and in Puerto Rican brand names...she's basically completely fake...she literally thinks she's black and now we're not talking anymore. But I miss her so much. I've lost alot of friends over the years. Well anyways back to the Sean subject...my friend Tommy threatened him if he ever came near me or my house or our street again that he will jump his ass (Tommy lives 4 houses down from me)...well never saw Sean Cristy again haha! The day after...Ron came over...I wound up having sex with him too. I thought I got pregnant so that drove both me and Ron absolutely crazy...I took 2 tests but they both came out negative. It was great man lol...2 hours and 17 minutes YEAH! Beginning April rolled around...I went out with Jack for like 4 days...he felt weird about it so he broke it off but he still liked me. April 12th...Easter really early in the morning I was talking online with Shaun...(only knew him online) he went out with Alicia online but they never met but that never worked out with them...We decided to hang out the next day cause we had alot in common...April 13th...I met him...he met my parents...everything was cool so we left...that's when my whole life changed again...(I was single at the time)... He was really friendly not shy at all...for some reason I wasn't being shy either...which is really weird. We got to his aunt's house and chilled there...he taught me how to play pool...we sat on the floor playing with the dogs...and then he kissed me...I saw fireworks man like no lie. I somehow wound up being on the pool table making out with him lol. Then like an hour later when we were about to go to his friends house...he asked me out and I said yes...and I'm still going out with him to this very day. I chilled with him every fucking day for like 1-2 weeks...then we gradually started seeing less of each other...he introduced me to his friends, they love me lol...their fucking awesome I love them...and his family too. Later found out my dad used to work with his uncle that passed away recently. So that was cool I guess. Well Shaun knew about Ron and Jack and all that shit...Ron and Jack kept calling my cell phone when I was with out with Shaun and he started bugging out on them and me...he thought I was going to go back to them or some shit like that. And that night Ron, Jack were at my house when Shaun and his friends dropped me off. They left. And then Ron and Jack came out and I chilled with them for a while. The next time that happened Ryan was with them but I told them that Shaun and his friends were gone but they really weren't so Ron comes pulling up and he saw Shaun so he floored it...Shaun and his friends jump into his car and take off after Ron and the gang chasing them all around the neighborhood and down the highway...Fischer Blvd. So that lasted forever...Shaun still gets mad at me whenever I hang out with Ron and Jack...but Shaun and his friends look after me all the time protecting my ass which I'm grateful and thankful for. Beginning of May rolled around...I turned 17 on May 6 and had my birthday party on May 8th on Saturday...couldn't have Ron and Jack come cause I knew there was going to be a fight with Shaun and the rest of them. So it was me, Megan, Shaun, Matt V, Matt, John, Brian, Zach, and Kyle. (All of the guys were Shaun's friends). That night was fucking crazy. They kept stealing Megan's slippers...they locked Megan in the car when the alarm kept going off it was funny. Alot of wrestling going on. The boys were shooting each other with a BB Gun. Matt V. was upset so I was trying to help him feel better and comfort him and try to get him to go upstairs and be with the rest of us. Then later on...I took out the icecream cake for the guys to eat...I went downstairs and sat on the floor...Shaun and Matt V. smushed icecream cake in my face so that's when I went after them...they smushed it in Megan's face too...it created a huge food fight lol. Parents didn't get too upset about the mess lol thank God. But that was like the greatest night of my life. Matt V. eventually went back up north back home to help his dad out but he's going to stay there from what I hear. I miss him alot. I don't know when I'm ever going to see him again. But yeah I started seeing less and less of Shaun cause he never wants to talk or see me when he's pissed at me. It's all cause I still hang around Ron and Jack. So then I started doing stupid shit...I started cheating on Shaun with Ron alot. I told Shaun about it he got even more upset and called me a hoe and a half. This kid I was talking to online for a few months his name is Matt Pasquella. I decided to meet up with him. Had him come to my house when no one was home. That was a big mistake...it went smoothly at first he was nice...we went speeding down the highway in his awesome Mustang GT. We came back to the house...to watch a movie...but that didn't quiet happen. The asshole fucking raped me. Yes raped. And I was bleeding for like 3 days from it. So now I'm back to not trusting guys all that well. Shaun was pissed of the fact I met up with the kid cause he doesn't want me meeting guys from online...especially since I'm with him he doesn't feel the need for me to have more guy friends, he thinks I have enough as it is. But I refused to tell my parents about me getting raped so Shaun called and told my mom...my mom didn't flip out but she was very upset and told me that's why she doesn't want guys at the house when she's not around and that she doesn't want me meeting anyone from online cause their all wackos...well she's kind of wrong there since I met Ron, Jack, Sean, Shaun, and Jimmy G from online...except I never met Jimmy G in person yet. But then she told my dad...he started screaming at me at the top of his lungs and I started crying histerically. He didn't care how I felt he was busy concentrating making my life a living hell. He didn't believe that I was raped he thought I just wanted to have sex with some strange from online for "experience". But then my mom started screaming at him telling him that I was raped and that's completely different from fucking someone intentionally. Then my dad called up my brother telling him and my dad started crying on the phone. But I didn't bother pressing charges or anything because I don't want to go through all that drama court bullshit cause that shit lasts forever. Plus word gets around fast too. Then some stupid bitch that Shaun is friends with messaged me on the wouldyouhitthis site. She wanted me to hook up with her cause she is bi but I said no obviously. And then she started to fuck with my head. She told me that Shaun was bi and that he would hook up with his friend Zach and I started to believe her cause she's friends with and knew him longer. I was like "I had a feeling he might be into guys." Then she turns around and said "Oh my fucking God you think he's into guys you're sick I'm going to tell him to find someone better than your skanky ass"...so obviously I flipped out and threatened to kill the stupid bitch. I called up Shaun and told him that she's planning to break us up but he told me not to worry about it...the stupid bitch told him what I said about me thinking that he's into guys. He completely flipped the fuck out on me yelling "what the fuck you think I'm into guys?" and then he hung up on my ass. I tried calling back but he refused to pick up his cell phone...I left a message telling him that I never hang up on him when I get mad and for him to call me back when he's cooled off. Which wasn't until a week later and he just got mad at me again anyways. Shaun called me like a week ago when I was sleeping so he told me to call him back when I'm more awake...I called him back that night but he didn't pick up he just sent me to his voicemail. I haven't talked or seen him since so whatever. I don't know what the fuck is going on with us anymore. It was like I don't know maybe 2 weeks ago...Jack IM'd me and I was giving him an attitude cause I was upset about my shitty life. And I told him that I was going to drop out of high school and not go to college and shit like that...he got pissed, I kept making up so many excuses...so he decided to walk out of my life and stop talking to me. He doesn't like talking to failures. But I really miss him so much. I never meant any of the shit I said. I love the boy to death. I have some serious anger issues too. I always have to punch something when I'm pissed off...I start shaking uncontrollably. Once I punched my dresser cause Jack pissed me off...and my knuckles were almost broken and it started bleeding a little bit. Alicia, Megan, and Jen were there to witness that lol. One time my dad came home drunk and I got really pissed off about it and Megan was over...I think Alicia was too...well anyway I wanted to get out of the house and my mom told me I wasn't going anywhere and I was like "oh yeah watch me." I went to walk out the back door and she grabbed ahold of my arm but I broke free and jumped the fence and Megan and Alicia followed after me. I can't remember what happened...but one time I got pissed and left the house ran away to Megan's house and I wasn't planning to go back at all that night but I did...it was a school night so yeah. Shaun was like "you should've called me I would've came to pick you up." I really don't think he would've though. Shaun is always wanting to me to somehow get out of the house for me to sleepover but he just doesn't get it that there is now way I can get away with that with the parents that I have. Not only do I have so many damn problems but so do my friends and I always try to be there and help them out. But there is only so much I can really do. I still haven't met Jimmy G. He's become worse. He stopped loving me. He let go of me a while ago. He's so into himself now...proud that he can get ass from all these girls and shares it with me like I want to know...but I don't. He slowed down on the alcohol but now he's doing pot. And the rest of my friends are always drinking and doing pot...I just don't understand this bullshit anymore. Megan's brother Robin is in jail for 9 accounts. He was supposed to get parole but that didn't happen. I miss him alot even though I don't really know him all that well and haven't chilled with him that much at all...he's still a pretty cool kid. I almost cried the day before he went to jail when he gave me a hug goodbye :( My oldest sister Barbie recently got fired from her job...she almost got kicked out of her apartment along with my neice and nephew. But I think she found another job...not too sure. My whole family basically fell apart. Never see anybody anymore. Ever since we moved here friends of the family just like disappeared don't even hear from them anymore either. My Aunt Ann's dog EC passed away last week. I used to dogsit for her while my Aunt was in Pennsylvania. I miss that dog so much. So now my Aunt is like completely alone now. My cousin Kenney is in Iraq...fighting the stupid war...I fucking hate it...those stupid bastards shot at him...they missed but still he could've died. Not only that but he has a son named Andrew who is I guess he's my 2nd cousin or some shit and he's like handicapped...well his mother moved him all the way out to fucking Arizona away from my Aunt Ann...so now she can't even see her own grandchild anymore. Well anyways...that's my life. A living hell basically. There's alot more to it, those were just the basics...can't really remember anything else at the top of my head. Took me forever to type all this shit out cause it's so long and everybody kept IMing me the whole time. I started typing this at 12:30am and now it's 5:25am.