Steve = Hope Steve = Strength Steve = Advice. I'm in a serious rut, people. And I don't want you to get any mixed signals: I don't need comforts of 'getting better's. I dont need consolement. I need knowledge. I've been the pillar of support to everyone I know for the longest time, keeping my emotions and shortcomings and qualms stuffed down pretty deep for the sake of others. For the sake of their happiness I dropped everything into the well, this hole i've dug into. I've been a guru. I've been the Hero*. It stopped working. I liked giving advice without having to worry about following it. Now nothing comes to mind because I dont even know what i'm doing anymore. But now, with a small instigator, the small spark in the implosion of emotion, things caved. All at once my life, what with the help of a friend i've come to believe is my independance, has fallen. Been squashed. My life is in recession. It's taking steps backward to a place I never want to be again. 'They' dont believe me. I'm being selfish, I shouldnt be feeling how I am, this situation is just temporary. But I was moving forward, moving ahead with vigor and hope and optomism and nobody could sto- WHAM! No warning and all of a sudden i'm bumming rides again and school has lost its appeal and social relations have died. Every fucking corner I turn hides another brick wall, or a door slamming in my face. I can't catch a break. I wasn't exactly pious but damn I had faith. And now even the little things are failing me. The smallest things that I could find comfort in or normalcy in are flipping me the bird and running away just as fast as the big things are. I'm aware life goes in ups and downs, but nobody seems to understand that I need to feel this down. They tell me to be happy, to look ahead to better days and I tell them I just cant. And I shouldnt have to. Let me feel my feelings, people. But no. They cant handle that, i'm being absurd. Well screw them, screw them all. My life is no longer in their hands. Thing is...it's no longer in mine either. .Steve *thanks J.