I've got a new persuasion in my head, a new idea. In some ways a new complex, one that the most expensive therapist would have a swell time dissecting. I've come to expect a lot from my life. Every day I wake up expecting something to be a certain way, expecting- in many ways predicting- that others would act the way that they have been proven to. I say this a lot and it comes out pretty hubristic: I know what's going to happen, almost always. I am rarely surprised. And I think that's becoming more of a handicap than I used to think it would be. Because lately I've been looking for some mores. No, not s'mores, but "mores". As in I know I've got girls but we'll never be "more" than ____. Or I've got a job but it's really got nothing more to offer. I'll be 21 soon and as I enter an era in which many people thing that more means excess and gluttony, I think I'm beginning to yearn for a world in which more means better, more means progress. So the uncaring yeti of a lover I've been over the last few years has begun to soften. I search for more now that ever before. I think I'm ready to want a girlfriend. But not just having for having's sake. I think I'm open for the right thing to come along, and with a little prudence I'm taking the blinders off so that I'll recognize it when it approaches. The blinders have been on for years, be them previous stigma I've entertained or previous dreams I've held dear. I'm beginning to realize that the reason such heights were never reached was because the trail I'd been looking to follow led somewhere else. These girls I've been wanting to view in one light don't exist on that spectrum, and it's taken me months, in some cases years, to realize and accept this. So I don't know the purpose behind this. I don't hold myself to such strict definition that this is somehow a "whole new Steve" but I've got to believe I'm changing for the better. In the end, belief has got to be enough to change it all. Or we'll all begin to get swept away. goodnight. .Steve