Recently developed, you've abandoned all I know. The only common factor has become a passing fad. I know you don't desire that I follow where you go Perhaps we're meant to end our tale at the start of what we had. We both knew we deserved it,though I wasn't sure what for. And before I found out what I know, it all just seemed so fast. But time, it keeps on flying, and I sit here wanting more Surprised to find that these 4 years have come to quickly pass. Fear and lack of gumption are what brought us to a close, though you deny the fact you always look before you leap. But somehow through the best of me, your memory ever grows and pulls hard on my heartstrings as I lay me down to sleep. I'm sure you won't come back here, though I've not been one to bet. So these are empty wishes on an ever-fading star. I hope to someday follow where the sun retires to set. 'Cause I know that it will always lead me back to where you are.

Okay... Now the monster is awake It won't rest until there's nothing left Maybe ever and anon I forget about the pain Someone bending light comes along And flowers lean towards the sun Some people fall in love and touch the sky Some people fall in love and find quicksand I hover somewhere in between I swear… I can't make up my mind. It seems that every time I am thrown back into this corner, I have more to say than the New York Times. College, break-up, work, new boyfriend. Short and sweet. I would love to say something artsy, maybe amuse you all with a lymerick or something clever. But I've got nothing. Until next time.

You used to tell me how much you loved me. Now these three words are a product of your fear of being alone. You beg me not to go. I stop. Maybe if I stick around for just a little while, we can make things right. Maybe if I give it some time, we'll be back to normal - I'll be back to normal. Why do I always change my mind for you? Why do you always make me rethink my rash decisions? Sometimes you're just supposed to follow your instincts. What little I have left of my Woman's intuition is telling me to up and run. Make a break for it. Get out before it self-destructs. You beg me to stay. I'm so tired of waiting around. I'm so tired of not wanting this anymore. I'm so tired. This awkward jumpstart-stalling relationship has grown too much to bare. I want us to be happy. I want things to work out. I just don't know if they will work out together. Why do I always come back to you?

It seems that once a year, someone very important dies. I realize how irrelevant that statement sounds. It seems that every year at least one person that I am very close to dies. When I went in to work on Saturday morning, I was half awake and fully ready to jump back under my sheets. It was 6 A.M. and we were having our usual meeting to prepare for the craziness of Black Friday, or for anyone who has never worked in retail - the day after Thanksgiving. Before the events kicked off, our General Manager called my department, one other department and a few miscellaneous people to the back of the store, for what I assumed would be an assignment for our meeting. As I was walking through the doors of the Install Bay, I saw a friend of mine crying. She looked as though she had just seen a ghost. "I called you all back here because I know how close you were to this man," my manager said through choking tears. "I wanted you guys to know before we tell every one else. AJ was in a motorcycle accident last night. He was killed." It is funny how you can feel every possible human emotion rush through your veins in one instant. All the girls from my department, in perfect syncopation, collapsed to the floor with their heads in hand. The air grew thick, and the muffled cries of all of my friends began to slowly fade from my ears. I have worked with AJ for a little over a year now. When I first came to the store, he was one of the first people that befriended me. I have spent about 80% of the last year working by his side. It is so hard to believe that in one moment, all of that came to an end. For the past two days, I have thought of nothing but him. I was remembering one of the last conversations we had, last week at work. I told him that i didn't want him to buy that damn bike because they are just not safe. I told him that one of my best friends was killed last year on a bike, and that I didn't want the same thing to happen to him. He promised me that he would be okay. The very last thing I said to him that night was "I love you, AJ. I'll see you next week." But I would not see him the next week. AJ died in front of 3 of his closest frends, doing something that he has worked at for over a year. He did not suffer. And I thank God for that. When I sat down wih his family yesterday, I realized how much I am going to miss him. We shared our stories of him, and laughed about that goofy smile of his. I feel so heartbroken for his mother. It hasn't quite sunk in yet. I'm still in that numb phase where I know something happened, but haven't yet realized that it's AJ. He was my friend, my brother, and the most ambitious person I will ever know. Rest in Peace, my love. 11-18-06

Not every cloud has a silver lining, The good guy doesn’t always have to win, That early bird often oversleeps and forfeits his breakfast, And sometimes the pot at the end of the rainbow is nothing more than Fool’s Gold. The world can be a cruel place, and let’s face it – not everyone is a Superman. Hell, even the “Man O’Steel” has his own weaknesses. We all have that fear – that heightened sense of intimidation when we can hear the hounds of failure clipping at our feet. If we each allow our proverbial kryptonite to annex the strengths we have worked so intently to perfect, what good is all that wasted effort? Unfortunately, sometimes it’s just too damn hard to hold on. The constant running and struggling to keep one step ahead of the game makes a weary mind and heavy heart. It seems that when the world is beating down on his chest and our Superman has nowhere left to run, that “S” becomes nothing more than a letter. When faith skips out and reality kicks in, we are left to our own devices in an almost Darwinian manner. “Kill or be killed,” they say. I don’t know about anyone else, but I would rather not be trampled by the masses. But this hero is a little too tired to don her red cape once again. So the question at hand: Does she succumb to her weaknesses, or fight to the death? Tune in next time, boys and girls. Same time, same channel.

I can imagine you at a much faster pace. Back when Lenny Kravitz ruled the airwaves and ditching school was more of an artform. I can picture you driving – windows down, radio blaring, smiling eyes behind those tinted shades that kept you so hidden. And in the passenger seat, there she is. Your first love. Back then, your biggest concern was what to eat for lunch. And now your world is hindered with phone bills and gas prices. And from all the years of romantic abuse and social neglect, you have regressed into a fraction of what you used to be. Modest, reliable, and worn from the time that has passed, A more honest representation of who you are. All that pressure has done you well. She may have had the Grand Am, but at least I’ve got the Mirage.

The funny thing about relationships is that you're supposed to walk away a little bit stronger, and a little more wise. The not-so-funny thing about reality is that sometimes we just feel weak and foolish. We are supposed to gain perspective on the things that went wrong, but sometimes vision gets blurred and we can't percieve anything at all. If there is such a fine line between right and wrong, then why is it so easy to get tangled? It is amazing how quickly we switch sides. We throw our emotions around like a tennis ball and hope that they will either be caught or just bounce right back, unphased. As long as the ball is in someone else's court we have no worries. But it seems that as we get older, the stakes only get higher. This is the point where the game stops being fun and starts being scary. The thrill of being in love loses it's thrill, and we spend more time protecting ourselves than enjoying. Since when did that Cloud 9 become a Catch 22? I shed not a tear for the things I have lost, but instead for the things I have let go. And I have glimmering hope that someday It will be okay.

If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied I have about a month left of high school. I will turn 18 and graduate in the same week. I can not believe how quickly this year has flown by. These 4 years. And illuminate the 'No's on their vacancy signs, I have consistently been at the point of tears for the past few days, and all for for no apparent reason. I don't think I am stressed about anything, and I know that I'm not sad. Maybe I'm just crazy. If there's no one to guide you when your soul embarks, I have 3 months to get everything together and psyche up for life at LSU. I so don't want to do it. C'est la vie, eh? At least I'll have my friends and family for another year. I'm finally learning to let go. It will be good for me. Then I'll follow you into the dark.

That I would be loved even when I'm not myself. I had a heart-to-heart tonight with a good friend of mine. It had been a while since I engaged in any form of serious conversation with another person, so the chat was welcome. After talking a bit about mutual acquaintences, she asked me about my boyfriend. "How do you know you love him?," she questioned. This was the first time I had ever truly been speechless. At that very moment all of the words in the world came flying through my head, but I could not say a one. How do you know you love someone? Well. . . You tell me. After a few minutes of consistent stuttering, I managed to spit out fragments of the millions of thoughts I was struggling with. And once the ice was broken, I found myself unable to contain a thing. Though I remember not what was said, I recall exactly how I felt. Absolutely incomprable. I do not love him because he makes me feel better about myself. I do not love him because no one else could ever be as good to me as he is. I do not love him because he makes me happy. I do not love him because I can see myself with him for a very long time. I do not love him because I could not possibly imagine myself without him. I do not even love him because he loves me so much that it makes me cry. So why do I love him?, you ask. Well, You tell me.

Oh my god, an update. Maybe she's gone crazy. So. I'm in Tempe, AZ. Interesting, no? I came down here for four days with my father to visit ASU campus and get a feel for the place I would potentially live. My hopes were high for things to be wonderful up here, weather would be lovely, people would all be really nice and ASU would be magnificent. Then I got here. And I discovered that I under-anticipated everything. Arizona is marvelous. There are a million reasons why this is where I should be. Though I have only been here for 2 days, I absolutely love it. I've met a few interesting people. Got a chance to meet up with a friend, which was pretty refreshing. All in all, I'd say that I don't really want to leave, but I can't wait to come back. I have found that pulling the hurricane card in other states not only gets you sympathy, but also better financial aid. And somehow after being here i'm not so concerned with the money thing. If I can't afford it, I'll just take out student loans and be in debt til I'm 80. Life is all about sacrifice, right? So though I have not accomplished all that i would have liked to, I am satisfied with my experience. I have hope for the future. After all, I still have a whole day left here. Maybe tomorrow will be more prosperous. Cheers. .Meredith

It's a good possibility that I'm a good possibility. So why don't you and I give ourselves some time to fly and hold the wings of patience through the slow December sky. Balance your choices, change all your plans. Throw in the towel if you want all of it. Walk that plank of 'yes and no' until you find the line of best fit. Your name has never sounded better, you know that I agree. So if you choose the lose the path you choose, Just call me Option B. You're in over your head, while I'm head over heels. And it's only real if it feels like it heals. But I'll throw in the rope when you start to go down And i'll dive in heart first if your soul ever drowns. Have faith, my dear. For the only thing left is the one thing that's right. Sleep soundly knowing I'll be with you tonight. Random bouts of inspiration. Christmas is a week away. I'm so happy I could burst. Good tidings.

There is only so much to be said about the state of things, but so much left unsaid. In the last three months - A massive hurricane wiped out nearly all of my city. I lost a third of my senior year. My dad's house got flooded. Daddy gets a crapload of money from insurance claims. I moved to Baton Rouge. Got a boyfriend. Moved back to New Orleans. Lost that boyfriend. I went on a search for college. Got accepted to one, the others are pending. Got a job. And, here I am. I would go more into detail, but I don't feel that I need to explain my story in real time. It has been a crazy ride for the lot of us. I have always heard that life can change in the blink of an eye. I didn't know the meaning of this phrase until recently. Grasping reality has been the hardest part. Nothing is the same. Life was supposed to change this year. I was supposed to have a kickass time with my friends, turn 18, graduate and move on to bigger and better things. But somehow, it is all tainted. I hate to leave anything unfinished, but i don't know what else to write at the present time.

Standby. I've got something good coming. I promise. Just give it time.

I have convinced myself that the things I do influence you in ways that you're too afraid to tell me. So would I be completely incorrect in thinking that maybe there's still something there? A chance for us? I know you love her. She's got you head over heels, and I can't even make you stumble. And that should be enough for me. But somehow, it isn't. Maybe I'm just looking for closure. So go on and tell me that you don't love me. That you never think about me when you're away. That everything you said was a vain attempt not to hurt me. Tell me that you think I'm a great girl and you wish me the best. Erase the false pretense in my mind, and let me know for sure that you don't care. I don't want this to hurt anymore. This is the part where I write you off as nothing more than a friend. I'm sorry if this is too much for you to handle. Maybe now you understand why I must wash my hands of you. I hate to see you go, but we don't have much of a choice in this. I just want you to know that I will always love you. I know I have not updated in quite a while. Things have been so inexorably jumbled as of late. Good luck has been scarce, and inspirations come few and far between. School starts again in exactly one week. The last 7 days of summer will be filled with work, scrambling to fit the missing pieces, and desperate attempts to tie off loose ends. And suddenly we realize how much it all meant. Much of this summer will be missed, but I am glad to be moving on. I have ignited new relationships and extinguished those that began to flicker away. A few have been rekindled, but not in the same light. Amazing how something so solid can slowly drip away before our eyes into broken, charred remains. This will forever burn on in my memory. Now we begin the new schoolyear. The final chapter. Here's to the summer.

So. School starts back up again in a little over a month. I have not read any of my books, nor have I gathered any supplies, or even thought about beginning to prepare myself to jump back into the swing of things. This being my final and most important year of high school, should be the first thing on my mind. I regret to inform you that it is not. Oh sure, I'm excited to be rounding out my high school career and plunging into the 'real world', but I am attempting to milk the summer for all it is worth - everything. This will be the last summer that we are all together. From here on out, we are all different, changed people. The innocence of childhood is scarce 'round these parts, and we are all slowly discovering that nothing lasts forever. Now comes the time to set an example. Now comes the time to accept responsibility and take charge of our own lives so that our heirs may learn the many lessons that we learned from those that came before us. It is a valiant task that we face, but someone must do it. I accept the challenge with open arms and hopeful disposition. But for now, let us enjoy the remainder of the last summer vacation of our high school careers. Good luck. .Map

This is the part where I lay it all down. I should probably wait to be completely honest, but there's no time like the present, right? For all those of you who don't know me, this will sound like the typical rants caused by teenage angst. Maybe it is. But if you take a closer look, it is so much more. Things are not always what they seem, objects appear closer than they are, and all that jazz. I could claim to be misunderstood. And perhaps I am. But I don't think that has any relevance to . . .anything, really. So here's the deal - I feel an incessant need to be liked. I almost constantly want attention. And though my moodswings do not always come at a certain time of the month, you can bet your bottom dollar I will have shifted faces by the end of the conversation. I cannot ever finish what I start, and if I happen to complete a project, I am never satisfied with the results. I set myself up for heartbreak, and always want what I absolutely can not have. Not without some serious compromising of morality. My heart changes as quickly as the wind, but a second of my undivided attention is worth the world. I don't follow through with most of what I say I will do, and blame it not on fear, but on distraction. I am capable of being the most pessimistic person I know, but keep a lovely smile all the while. I am also indecisive. Part of me wants to break out of my skin and run. Another part makes me stay out of sheer curiosity. Some of me wants to grab him and kiss him like I have never before. And still, another part wants to spend all of the money I have worked for and fly away. Just for a hug. I could honestly die happy if I could just feel him kiss my forehead. The comfort I feel from a hug and a kiss on the forehead is enough to make me never want to move again. I struggle with relationships. Not so much maintaining them. Beginning them is the hardest part. And I deal horribly with loss of any kind. It's like that exact moment you can feel someone slipping away. And no matter how far you stretch, no matter how much you twist to fit the right mold, you remain an inch too short. And you have to slowly watch them fade off into oblivion. That is what this all feels like. Constant wondering. Why can't I just be happy? Why am I never satisfied? Why is it never good enough? But what I always fail to realize - it IS good enough. I want everything to fall into my lap. I have grown weary of trying anymore. Selfish, I know. But who doesn't feel the same way? So I guess all I can really say for sure is that I am typical. But the first step is admitting your problem. Over and Out. .Map

My mother and I are starting a 12-week program. No, we are not junkies. This supposed 'self-improvement course' is used to rediscover hidden realms of creativity. She, having come to a roadblock in her current project, asked me to join her in the program and I agreed. If nothing else, maybe it will get the ball rolling on her book. So forgive me love if I cry in your shower Today, I decided to surrender. After three years, I am dusting off the old white flag and preparing for the worst. Too long have I been idle in this. So forgive me love for the salt in your bed I know not what brought about this sudden change of heart, but I am greatful for my muse and will do my best to follow through. I have come a long way. So forgive me love if I cry all afternoon Maybe now I can find my way back home. Wish me luck. Map.

This is an update. Mostly for Stef's sake. Demanding whore. The summer is nearly half over already, and I have barely gotten a tan. It's almost as though all of the time I was supposed to take advantage of is locked away in a box under my bed, along with stuffed animals and old photos. Nothing is sacred anymore. Things have slipped off into another dimension, and I don't quite know if I want to be saved. It's like a part of me is floating outside of my life, laughing at all of the things I am doing wrong, and learning from the things I do right. Discovering the effect (and backlash) of my newfangled outlook. I guess you could say I'm 'finding myself'. I don't know how accurate that is. But whatever helps me sleep at night, eh? The actual answer to that is Tylenol PM. So, in celebrating the spirit of my topsy-turvy upside-down and backwards present life, I will leave you all with this: Take from it what you will. .Map

I'm looking for the Tower of Learning. Peter left for Europe yesterday. I hate goodbyes, but I really wish I would have had the chance to say mine. There is not much reason for an update. The happenings of my life as of late are all trivial in retrospect. Before each post I have a lot to say, but somehow it all gets lost in translation. I'm looking for the Copious Prize. The humdrum schedule I follow with each passing day is becoming decreasingly appealing, and I am slowly jamming myself into an inescapable rut. Yes, summer is here. But there is little-to-no promise for the future. I see no excitement for the oncoming holiday. I saw it in your eyes, what I'm looking for. Spontaneity is a thing of the past. I feel an interminable desire for adventure. If only as a breif jolt. I swear, if I had a better cash flow I'd be an adrenaline junkie. I saw it in your eyes, what I'm looking for. Maybe I'll try running away from home. Somewhere out west. Just for a few days. I hate to sound mad, but I am experiencing the worst case of cabin fever. I fear I may butcher my family if a change of scenery does not present itself. Sitting, Waiting, Wishing, Map.

Can I just have one more moondance with you, my love? Yesterday was my 17th birthday. It really was wonderful. I could not have asked for anything more. Granted, under better circumstances the night would have ended alot differently, but I had fun nonetheless. I adore some of my friends. Really, who else would be willing to drive me around all day, simply enjoying eachother's company? Thanks, Peter. Work has been good. I have close-to-perfected the snowball-making process. My boss is a barrel of laughs, and I am quite convinced that I could not be happier elsewhere. The Seniors return from their cruise this saturday. I am excited to see my Meryll and Brian again. Graduations begin on Friday. Peter is the first to go. I say that as if he is leaving us all behind. Choosing a separate life apart from the rest of us poor souls. Even though he is not yet gone, I miss him already. I have to start working on presents for everyone. I already know what I will be doing for my friends. It will just take some time. For now I will enjoy the simple distractions of my day, such as my guitar or Dillon, the avid snowball eater. Yes, that is what I shall call him. Gorgeous boy. Seniors '06. Here we come. Signing off, Map.