Today was just....ugh. It was better while the day went on, like at tennis! But I found a lot of things out today...it was really upsetting. Catie and Patrick are going to a new school Monday, Tara cuts and has been lying about it to me, everyone else knew, except me. She said that her cat cutt her. Then that just reminded me of me. Like a while ago when Catie saw my arm and I was like....It's pen....or like when LeeAnn saw my legs and I was like...my dog scratched me...or like last year. Everyone has been telling me how Tara is pissed at me. I didn't really know for sure till like...yesturday, that it was because I hang out with Greg too much, I think about Greg too much, I wait for Greg too much, I'm never happy when Greg isn't around, and all of that. She thinks I don't like her anymore, and that's not true. I came up to her in the hall way today and I was like 'I heard you're pissed at me...' and she was like 'Yea' or I really couldn't tell what she said...she was mumbeling. Then at lunch she ran into the restroom with Catie, and I heard Tara was crying and stuff. Then Catie yelled at me for a while. It was just really depressing. I also found out that Catie, Steph, and Tara know about this diary. When I found that out, I just blanked out. I really didn't want them to know about this one. I just wanted a diary where I could tell what I felt without my friends knowing I had anouther one. Then me just writting more entrys in here and them knowing they can't read it, is most likely pissing them off. The thought of making anouther diary came threw my head, but I don't think I will. I don't know. It just seems kind of pointless. Then Catie told me about how Tara was mad about me getting a new diary. Why the fuck would she be mad about me getting a new diary? She never reads my diaries anyways. She can't even get on the internet. I think Catie just made that part up, but I don't know. I never know with Catie. She just can't repet what a person says without it being wrong.
All these feelings I kept from them, what I actually thought about them, they probabily read it all, before I set this as a friend's only thing. I'm scared about what they know.
Then again, that is why they're mad at me. Because I don't tell them anything anymore. BULLFUCKINGSHIT! I tell them stuff, just not everything. I shouldn't have to tell them everything, they don't tell me anything. Why should I tell them stuff if they don't tell me stuff about them? Am I right?
Ugh...each day, I'm losing more of my friends trust in how I really feel. They all think I'm always depressed. That's not true. I'm happy. I'm a very happy person...right?
Maybe you should all hate me.
I don't know why I hide how I feel. I really don't. Is it that big of a deal? Is it that bad I say I'm having fun when I'm not? Is it that bad that I say I'm good, okay, or fine when I'm not? Is it that bad for her to start cutting over? I really don't think so.
They were getting better...then today....fuck. Fuck them for making me feel this way.
I think I secretly hate mostly all my friends. So secretly I didn't even know. Didn't know till now atleast.
I'm over-reacting. I don't hate them. Nope.
What have I become?
The teacher asked if I was okay today. I was sitting down in the hallway, trying not to cry. I hate it when people ask if I'm okay when I'm not. It just makes me feel worse. I don't need your pity. Maybe that's why I always say I'm fine when I'm not. People just make it worse when they know you're upset. They won't leave you alone. It's just like....God fuck off, you're not making me feel better.
I'm too emotional. I get upset over the stupidest things. I truely do. It's pathetic.
I would talk to you about how I feel. Like today when I was telling you why I had a sucky day, Catie was there, and it was hard for me to express how I wanted to express it. I'm sorry.
Why do they care? Why do they care so much? Why is she cutting? It can't just be, because of all of that. It can't be. Don't blame your stupid fucking problems on me.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.
I'm afraid to talk to her. She's not the same. I wish she was like how she was last year. The beginning of last year. She used to always make me smile. Back when we used to be bestest buddies forever. Back when we used to make plans about our future. We used to talk about everything together. We used to be able to talk about stupid shit that mattered.
Oh well, people change, and I can't help that. I wish I could.
What happened?
Today in Math class was horrible. I felt dead. I was very cold, I had bumps all over me, and I couldn't stop sneezing. It was fucking weird. My eyes were watering and the lines on my arms started to hurt really badly. As soon as I got out of math I ran to my locker and grabed my hoodie. Still when I was wearing my hoodie I still felt extremaly cold. It was freaky.
It's amazing how when I see you the bumps dissapear, my arms stop hurting, and how my eyes stop watering. Just seeing you can make everything all better.
somethings taking over me
God, I'm so cold. I need to get warmer clouths or something. AFI hoodies on the internet are only $15.00. That's really cheep compared to Hot Topic's price. The hoodie I got there last year cost $40.00. Then I got holes in it and shit....I can't do laundry...tisk tisk.
Okay, I'll write more later...most likely. I don't know. <18>Bye.
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